Relationship advice (a personal problem)

lost-my-way

I am looking for some advice on a pretty personal problem. I am a regular poster that has re-registered to be anonymous.

Basically I had a pretty horrific childhood, I was abused as a child by my mums partner and it went on for years. I have never dealt with this and have suffered from anxiety and depression over the years, I have never told anyone that this happened to me, but a few weeks ago 'he' got taken into hospital quite ill, my mum rang to tell me and to be honest I'm not interested, I hope he dies if I'm honest.

Last week I went to see the doctor, as him being ill, brought it all back and I told the doctor everything, she was great and is helping me alot.
She did ask if my partner knew, now my partner has a bad temper and tends to act first and think later, so I know for a fact he will go crazy and probably hit him.
So I dont feel like I could ever tell him, we have been together 7 years and I had hoped I would be able to talk to him in time, but I dont think I ever could.
The doctor has refered me to a counsellor, but how can I have counselling and not tell my partner?

I am worried now that we shouldnt be together, I told the doctor this but she said she didnt dont make any decisions at the moment.
I am so confused, I dont know what to do, can you be with someone, who doesn't know about such a massive thing and be happy?

I am sorry for such a waffly post, I cant think straight at the moment.

stephnyc

For now, look after yourself. See the counsellor and say nothing. Then maybe you can talk over how to tell your partner with your counsellor.

{{HUGS}}

aliasojo

lost-my-way wrote: »

I am so confused, I dont know what to do, can you be with someone, who doesn't know about such a massive thing and be happy?

Yes you can. If you were happy enough up till now, then don't let this situation affect your thoughts any more than it has already.

Your OH has 'caveman' type reactions to things, many men do...it doesn't make them any less loving or caring. It only means they themselves have a problem processing their feelings in a calm and measured way.

Perhaps your OH might be more supportive than you think given this is more serious than the usual type of things he gets angry about?

Try not to over analyse things now, deal with one thing at a time. The counselling will hopefully help you move on from your past. Good luck.

weenickieS

I agree with Steph.
Same kinda thing happened to me when i was little.
I told my ex when i was with him and my partner now. My partner tried to find out things about him and said he will have him 'sorted' but nothing has ever happened. I think its just the anger at the time and then they calm down.

Your partner may act worse, i dont know. But like Steph says, your counsellor can help you once you find the time is right to tell him.

Stay strong.

belfastgirl23

One step at a time. The first job is to get yourself sorted out and maybe that's something you need to do on your own. that doesn't mean your relationship is worthless. You never know you might find as time goes on you are able to find a way to talk to him about it.

Good luck.

lost-my-way

Thanks so much for the replies, yes thats really good advice I will talk to the counsellor about it, I am going to deal with one thing at a time. Everything just seems like its getting on top of me today.

MrsTinks

Sharing things about a traumatic time in the past is never easy and yes it'r perfectly possible to stay with and love someone without telling them about it
Deal with the past first and then when you feel you have a handle on that sit down in the cold light of day and look at your relationship and see if you are happy there... in my oppinion feelings about if you should stay with a partner are grounded in something... but I think looking into that right now can wait

RAS

Hi

A lot of men "over-react" to things like this. When I was attacked even colleagues had two simultaneous reactions, big hug and "I want to kill him". NowI do not think any of them would have done so but that was their immediate reaction.

MrsTinks

The "men over react" and won't actually do anything... I'd be careful making that assumption... I can promise you that at least one of my very close friends, my dad and my husband would have NO compulsions about making good any threats if something happened to me now... Just because 99% of men would calm down and not actually do it doesn't mean ALL men will...

vaio

If you love your man I think you need to sit him down and tell him everything.

Stuff that happened a long time ago can stay untold only if it stays in the past but if it is affecting the present (as this is) then you need to bring it and tell him.

Openness & honesty are the bedrocks for a relationship, everything relevant gets shared, then you can deal with it as a couple.

I agree with most posters about men reacting, my instinctive reaction would be along the hitting lines but part of dealing with it as a couple is you talk him out of it (or into it if you want the abuser to have a kicking)

Shambler

Great advice from Steph, one thing at a time, just look after yourself for the time being.