Relationship advice (a personal problem)

Mojisola

I'm assuming your OH knows you have suffered from depression. You can say you are having counselling to help deal with it. You don't have to tell him the cause of your depression.

I wouldn't assume he won't put feelings into action and think how awful it would be if he assaulted a dying man in hospital!

Good luck with your counselling.

lost-my-way

Mrstine, I am 100% sure he would do something stupid, he would go to prison if need be, I know what his feelings on child abusers are,
This is why I have kept quiet for so long.
I suppose I am feeling abit let down by my OH, I want to stop having secrets but I would feel responsible if he ended up hitting him (and yes he could kill him with him being ill), so I have to keep quiet.

I have told him I suffer from anxiety and depression, so saying the counselling is for that wouldnt be a problem, its the fact that I'm going to go through it all on my own thats scary. I suppose I feel like he should be there for me.

busiscoming2

A horrible thing for you to have to have gone through, I understand about your need/desire/want to tell your partner but I think from what you have said it would be better to have a few counselling sessions first and then broach the subject with him, maybe by even taking him to a session with you, so you have a third party (calming influence?) present.
Good luck and I hope the counselling helps. x

jlj_2

Hello lost-my-way,
Would it be possible for you to get some counselling to get things straight in your own mind before telling your OH?
Also I was thinking that if I read your post right, your mum doen't know either so you may need to prepare yourself for whatever her reaction may be.
I do hope you manage to find your way through all this. Please let us know how you are managing if you feel up to it.

creased-leach

I'm coming at this from the other side- the partner "kept in the dark."

When I found out, I would- happily- have driven the 4 hours and pulverised the individual involved. Not just for the abuse- but also for them having pretended to be my "friend" for years. The reason I didn't? OH drank himself into so much of a stupor in the process of telling me, he had to be taken to hospital. Spending four hours watching him sobbing and mopping up his vomit did nothing to calm my temper- but then I was on my own with no-one to watch the kids, so my hands were tied.

I was hurt that OH had waited so long to tell me. I'd supported him- literally carried him- through many years of deep depression. I felt I'd "earned" an explanation. But you come to realise that there was never a "right time." Abuse, and the depression it can cause, has many victims.

OP, is the abuser in hospital? If he is, your OH is hugely unlikely to act violently.

The thing is with getting counselling first- although rational- there would be a layer of lying, and keeping things from your OH- which is bound to hurt. But you have to do whats best for you.

If you want to tell him- then plan how to best do it. Make sure he's not had a drink. Hide the car keys. Personally, I'd do that and give him a letter to read- it's a little more removed, and if he's not seeing you get upset as you tell him, will be less emotional. No need, at this stage to go into detail- just very, very briefly outline things. Most importantly of all- tell him that you know, and understand that he'll want to flatten him...but that you need him to show his support to you right now. If he's arrested, he can't do that. Make sure he knows that he's valued- finding out something like this and not being able to protect you will dent his masculinity.

I hope you feel better soon.

XX

JoJoB

These issues are something to talk about while in counselling first of all and hopefully your counsellor can help you with ways of how to tell your partner. Possibly he could come to a session with you - it would definitely help to have a skilled mediator there.

Is this man still with your mohter by the way? Does she know about the abuse? Are you worried about opening up a can of worms? It is a very brave thing to do and I completely understand if you are not feeling strong enough to do it. I learned from my OH's experience that revealing a family abuser can mean the victim can suffer angry attacks and disbelief before people finally accept what happened.

Like creased-leach I was also the partner-in-the-dark on this issue. With my OH though he wasn't purposely keeping it from me, he had repressed the memories. The memories came back after we had had couples counselling for many months because unbeknown to us this huge issue was affecting every aspect of our relationship - and chances are the same is happening with your relationship too.

So I agree with vaio that ultimately you should tell him. A successful relationship is based on trust and intimacy and these things can't grow when there is something this important being withheld. You already know this really, that's why you are struggling to keep such a big secret to yourself. Sadly this is one consequence of abuse - victims become secretive and in one sense protect their abusers (as you are, from your husband's anger).

For yourself, and the chance to finally live a happy life somewhere down the road you need to open up to those who love you. Keeping such a dark secret takes a huge amount of emotional energy and you can never be fully at ease as a human being keeping this all to yourself. I think creased-leach has some great suggestions on how to go about telling your OH.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you.

KK22_2

I'm sorry to hear about this but like other posters have said, please do not act rashly in terms of your partner etc. If you think that by telling your partner, it could be beneficial in the long run, ie giving you support and understanding when you are down or especially upset. I personally would advise you to tell your partner BUT only if you are sure this is what you want and if you are secure and able to deal with every possible reaction he may have. If you do decide to tell him, you could perhaps start by letting your partner know how hard it is to tell him and how you need his support, and you do not need to deal with the consequences of his anger.

Good luck and please only do what you are 100% sure and comfortable with. My thoughts are with you x

delain

Have you told the police? Even years later they wuld probably be able to do something. Good luck ((hugs))

Barneysmom

I'm sorry to hear about your problems, I have never told anyone about when I was abused.
Could you tell your bloke that you were abused as a child, but not tell him who did it to you, just for now?
Maybe when you have had some help you might feel strong enough to tell him?

Boozer

I am also so sorry to hear about this, its times like this i realise how easy life has been for many people and they still complain about small things that are not important in the grand scheme of things.

I think you could tell your partner about it, but make him aware of the fact that your mother does not know anything about it and that is the way you would like to keep it for now, and you really would not like your mother to find out in such a way like the guy being attacked in hospital.

good luck with whatever you choose, but i think you would feel better further down the line after this is out and on your way to forgetting about it, if you keep it inside and hidden from him it will never go away.


All the best