MSE Parents Club Part 7

tiamai_d

Well I left school with a grade 3 in English and Maths. That would be a C in GCSE, but as I only sat the general level exams (which award a 3 or 4 (C or D)), that is full marks. I didn't turn up to the rest of my exams. Now regret is so much because I was very clever but at the time so much was going on with my alcoholic parents that I just didn't go to school (yet still managed to get 1 and 2 (A&B) in my pre-lims). I do now have an NC biomedical and applies biological science plus a B in higher human biology

Well, this morning I decided to wear a non-nursing bra and wow my boobs look good, I got wolf whistled at down the town and then some builder types were trying to chat me up in bakers Me - well chuffed (but then my boobs were hanging out!)

Went to buy a new jacket as the zip broke off mine and ended up with 3 dresses instead (for £23 sale on in DP) just plain ones, but very nice. So now I need those leggins and a pair of high black boots or get my boots re-healed.

BrunoM

Hi all

Read lots, trying to remember the things I wanted to reply to, while trying to pay half my attention to this conference call I'm on....

Tigs, that is hugely exciting I am v excited and emailed my OH to tell her! Air is good!

Feely, regardless of whether you are a drama queen or not, you are still a human being and someone's mother and someone's partner, and deserve to be treated like all those things. If the list of "things he does" you posted is remotely accurate, it is 100% totally unacceptable and there is no excuse for it whatsoever. Just thinking about someone doing those things to their partner in real life makes me really angry. Good luck, and keep talking here.

I have a maths degree, and I work in finance on the back of it, yet almost never use any maths I couldn't have learned at GCSE

My dad is a professor of philosophy, taught it at degree level for decades - my brother has a mysterious degree in philosophy and physics! Never touched it myself though

Fingers crossed on MRI!

My_Fathers_Daughter

mookiandco wrote: »

Hurrah for standing babies. Whenever the older babies do something I tend to work out how long it could be before Leila starts doing those things. Where does all the time go?

Qualifications - 12 Gcses 10 As/A*s and 2 Bs. 4 A-levels - Biology, Chemistry, Latin and Spanish. 1 Law degree and 1 legal practice course (with distinction!). I have always wanted to do English A-level and plan to do this is a couple of years just for fun!

Its my last week off work and I dont know what to do with myself. I have stayed home today and typically Leila has decided she wants to have long naps! She has started blowing raspberrys and did it yesterday whilst breast feeding. She thought the noise was hilarious. I on the other hand did not!

At least you use your LPC Mook!! I paid £10k to do mine, got a distinction and now I work in Construction!!! I haven't got the right temperament to do your kind of work (which is where I was headed) and ended up in counselling after working on a particularly horrible case. Ah well - I am happy what I am doing now...well I will be if I am successful in my tender which will make me a Construction Industry Consultant


I did English Lang and Lit A-Level, along with Theatre Studies and General Studies. I also have a level 3 diploma in British Sign Language, and some random Construction qualifications which mean I am safe to go onto site (even if I am a woman!!)


Benjamin and I are counting down the days too - later we are heading over to MILs to pick up some stew that she has made for Benjamin - I am sure she is convinced that I don't feed my family, last night she brought me some cherry pie along to the fundraiser and last week she randomly gave me a tin of salmon :rotfl:



Keep forgetting to say - YAY for Andrew!! Looks like he may come home without the oxygen after all - will be keeping our fingers crossed.

weezl74

Hiya feelie,

Sounds like your relationship has become based on a set of rules and assumptions that aren't working for each of you.

I'll try to highlight what I think they are!:

maybe you could have a think together about whether these really are the rules you want to live by and what might replace them. Most of them sound like his rules that you feel you have to go along with...

feelinggood wrote: »

I really don't know to be honest, I go round and round in my head and I can't figure out if he is controlling, or if it all me and he is my victim.

one of us is doing something really bad to the other one. I am therefore either the victim or the persecutor. I don't like myself being either of these.

When I'm well, all is fine. When I'm ill, things are quite bad.

The things that get to me are things like -
him making promises that never materialise (if I get therapy, he'll look after LO, he'll take time off work so I can learn to drive, he'll give me a lift places)

It's ok to say something to someone you love and not follow it through. Unreliability is fine.

if I'm upset/sad, he says that he can't cope and will quit his job or smoke if I don't change

We can change each other's behaviour through threats, blackmail and manipulation.

tells me to pretend to be fine

If my partner pretends to be fine no one will criticise me and I can stay feeling ok about myself. It's wrong to show strong expressions of feeling.

questions whether I've taken medication, saying I'm being weird or odd, complaining that I'm taking meds. I asked him to write down in what way I'm crazy so I could tell the doctor, but he kept saying he'd do it later.

When I don't like the way my partner is behaving I will blame her illness.I will not address any problems I have directly to her so we can discuss it and resolve and find a way forward.

He makes a lot of threats - he'll send me back to my parents, he'll leave me, he'll make us move, he'll quit his job - if I do something (cut myself, drink, take medication,=) or if I don't do something (if I don't change, pretend I'm happy etc).

We can change each other's behaviour through threats, blackmail and manipulation.

When he is upset with me he sleeps. When it is bad, he can stay in bed till 6pm or later. He won't eat if I've upset him.

If I am hurt or angry I withdraw rather than speaking to my partner. I act out my hurt by refusing food rather than talking about it.

He doesn't like me talking about my problems, but I get accused of being cold and ignoring him
I'm accused of playing games, lying about not being in a mood, or hating him

There are subtle things I don't get, like if I suggest that a friend watches LO, or h goes to a child minder for a few hours, LO will be abused and you can't trust anyone - they might hurt him or ignore him.

I know this has been in the news a lot, but this assumption that LO will be abused is troubling. I wonder if someone close to him in his childhood was abused. Very sad.

When I'm dieting, he wants to get takeaways, eat out, get chocolate - it might just be that he doesn't understand.

Maybe. And also it sounds like food has a lot of significance in your relationship. I wonder if it has become a symbol of love. You have said before that you crave food sometimes (don't we all;)) which may be about craving love.

He seems to push love away 'we don't talk about feelings' 'you hate me' and also has the ability to push food away.

You are doing very well at getting your eating under control- well done. I wouldn't be surprised if this scares him a little. He may see that you are becoming stronger and in doing so you may acquire the strength to leave. Buying takeaways may be a way to sabotage that.

The other day he couldn't find an ironed shirt, and said he wouldn't be able to go to work. If I want to buy anything (pram, cot, scales, storage boxes) he agrees but says how we'll never have a house. Makes me feel really guilty for getting things.

If I say that something catastrophic will happen, no one will challenge me or ask me to do things I don't want to.

I am a lot to deal with, I've put him through a lot, so I don't know if it is just what I deserve?

I really don't know. Any thoughts welcome. You guys know me quite well, you know I've done some terrible, terrible things and I am very needy and emotional, so if I'm just being a drama queen, I don't mind you telling me.

I think we know you Feelie. But I don't think you've done anything terrible.

Needy, emotional and drama queen. Those are quite punishing labels for yourself! How about Relational, social, peoply, sensitive and able to state your needs clearly on occasion and to take some situations in life very seriously if required.

Let's call it that. And then: 'me too!' I'm in your gang as well

Another thought.

You've talked before about a big empty feeling that you can't fill up or make go away.

Earlier when we were talking about schools and qualifications you talked about being a gifted child who wasn't given enough stimulating material to get her teeth into. Given your later relationship with food that last phrase might be really appropriate!;). I wondered whether that contributes a lot to the empty feeling.

Feelie you are still gifted:D. Maybe life at the moment isn't stretching that part of you.

When you do research for others on here about breast feeding and expressing, I wonder if you might find lots of fulfillment and enjoyment in training to support women who have to exclusively breast-feed. Or set up a website with forums for them that you can moderate and advise on....

or do an open university course in child development at a higher level than now.

or do a counselling course. You can counsel others online you don't have to go out if it's an anxious day...


anyhow, just some thoughts.

Hope some of them are useful

xxx

elle_gee

:wall: No letter on file.. grrr... Comms nurse left on a mission to track down Consultant this afternoon :cool:

r.mac_2

BrunoM wrote: »

Hi all

I have a maths degree, and I work in finance on the back of it, yet almost never use any maths I couldn't have learned at GCSE

My dad is a professor of philosophy, taught it at degree level for decades - my brother has a mysterious degree in philosophy and physics! Never touched it myself though

Fingers crossed on MRI!

Your brother has a very random degree combination going on! It would be really interesting to hear how the two of those fitted together. What's his dinner party chat like?

My_Fathers_Daughter wrote: »

At least you use your LPC Mook!! I paid £10k to do mine, got a distinction and now I work in Construction!!! I haven't got the right temperament to do your kind of work (which is where I was headed) and ended up in counselling after working on a particularly horrible case. Ah well - I am happy what I am doing now...well I will be if I am successful in my tender which will make me a Construction Industry Consultant

mookie and MFD yipeee for lawyers Typically after spending all that money I'm not using those qualifications either! :rotfl:

weezl you really are very articulate and I was thinking the same thing about feelie training to support and help women with breastfeeding. Is it wrong to really want you to analyse me? :rolleyes:

weezl74

elle_gee wrote: »

:wall: No letter on file.. grrr... Comms nurse left on a mission to track down Consultant this afternoon :cool:

oh elle how annoying! What will that mean?

wedding anniversary question: it's my 10th wedding anniversary this year in a fortnight. Our big treat with a spend is babysitter plus eddie izzard tickets. But I want to get DH something to unwrap too.

He is a very actions person and always shows love to other people by doing nice things for them.

10th anniversary is 'Tin'. So I wondered about recycling a tin can from the shopping and turning it into a tin of promises.

I'm after ideas of little nice things I can promise to do. (nothing roodies please ladies!-I know that would work in lots of relationships but I'm always a bit weird about physical stuff having to genuinely come out of us both feeling close and loving at the time, rather than because I wrote it on a piece of paper 2 months ago!!!)

At least 5 will have to be a cup of tea tokens for after we've both gone upstairs for tv watching cos neither of us like getting out of the nice warm bed and going down to our icy kitchen!

He quite likes foot rubs

I made an apple and cinnamon cake once and he's glorified it in his head as his best pudding ever, so I shall promise to make that again.

Any more no-spend treats you guys can think of?

xxx

elle_gee

Oh FGS, it gets better.. just found out we've been turned down for DLA. Two reasons:

1. Rhys was under three months at the date of the claim. Date of the claim was 14th September 2009.. Someone can't count!
2. Rhys does not need any more help than a normal baby of his age..

I'm speechless!

I don't even want the money for me, it's to stick in the bank in case he needs any help in the future. I'm annoyed to be told we're not doing anything out of the ordinary!

r.mac_2

How frustrating Elle! I hope you get the results soon. Let's pretend we have the results and they are good - yippeeee for amazing rhys

ETA: that is very frustrating. Is there a formal route of appeal you could exhaust?

weezl74

r.mac wrote: »

weezl you really are very articulate and I was thinking the same thing about feelie training to support and help women with breastfeeding. Is it wrong to really want you to analyse me? :rolleyes:

Deeply, deeply wrong :rotfl:

*pats leather couch and adopts freudian accent:*

vould you like to sit here und tell me about your childhoooood? (sorry SS no anti-germanness there just being Sigmund Freud )