Something I have often wondered

evenasus

Originally Posted by evenasus
I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 17.
We went out (courted) for three years before getting engaged.
We were engaged for three years and during this time we saved like mad for a 10% deposit for our first home and for basic furniture etc.
We married when we were 22 and 23, not having lived together as our parents would have been mortified at the suggestion. Well it was back in the 60's.
We are now 64 and 65 and still married!
When do I get a medal?

I always wonder, when hearing of people getting married after living together first.



On my wedding day, as I walked from my parents house to the wedding car. I looked back at the house and thought - I will no longer be living there anymore. From now on I'll be living with my (about to be) husband in our new house. My life will be changed forever.
It was a magical moment.

Surely, that magic is not there when you've already lived together for, sometimes, several years.

Both my sons lived with their - now wives - before marrying and both sons came to our house to spend their pre wedding night. Bit silly I always thought.

Dinah93

I do agree with you evenasus. We're getting married next September, but don't plan to get our own house until then (or possibly just after but thats another matter!), and to me that is the point of getting married, setting up your own home and family. I understand people want a big celebration, but for me it has to mean something, and mark a new phase in my life.

**confuzzled**

evenasus wrote: »

On my wedding day, as I walked from my parents house to the wedding car. I looked back at the house and thought - I will no longer be living there anymore. From now on I'll be living with my (about to be) husband in our new house. My life will be changed forever.
It was a magical moment.

Surely, that magic is not there when you've already lived together for, sometimes, several years.

Both my sons lived with their - now wives - before marrying and both sons came to our house to spend their pre wedding night. Bit silly I always thought.

Dinah93 wrote: »

I do agree with you evenasus. We're getting married next September, but don't plan to get our own house until then (or possibly just after but thats another matter!), and to me that is the point of getting married, setting up your own home and family. I understand people want a big celebration, but for me it has to mean something, and mark a new phase in my life.

I can understand your points but for me getting married wasn't about starting out new, it was about celebrating our relationship and making the final step towards making it completely 'official' and I can assure you it was still a magical moment:D Leaving my house on the day of our wedding and looking back thinking Wow, next time I'm here I'll be a wife and have the most amazing man I've ever met as my husband:T:D
Tbh I think every bride has that magical feeling on their wedding day, regardless of living arrangements/circumstances beforehand, but then thats just my opinion:)

SandC

I think when you live together the marriage is the 'icing on the cake' and is your absolute confirmation of your wish to spend the rest of your lives together - and the wedding would symbolise that day where you took the vows.

If you don't live together first, then you're entering into a whole new phase of life - big changes, new responsibilities. I admire anyone who does that.

From the single, never married, spinster of the parish.

Dinah93

I think for me the issue is more that I've read quite a few women on the weddings board talk about how depressed they were after the wedding, not having it to plan for anymore, and nothing being any different, and it all just feeling a bit flat. I can't see how I could possibly feel like than when I finally get to take my new husband home after 2 years of dating, the fun will be just beginning!

Jo_R_2

I can see the romantic side of what you say... The marriage signifying the start of a 'new' life together and the things that involves... I do think that is romantic.

However I am forever glad me and my ex didn't do that or for sure we would be divorced right now:eek: I am glad we lived together without getting married because I know what a complete tool he was to be with - I could have gotten married and then found out that - believe me some things only come to light when you live together, crazy as it sounds!

Me and OH only got our 'own' house together three months ago after he moved into my old house with us last year, we have a nearly seven-month-old baby and he is stepdad to my two DDs. I know from living with him that he is a great dad and stepdad - no way I could have known this without seeing him in action as it were, much as I love him.

To me already having the things that have traditionally come after the wedding before the wedding doesn't make it any less special; like has been said, to me it is cementing what we have and like anyone else, saying this is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. We still want to do things together that we haven't yet done, like buy our own house, we may decide to have another baby, and these are things we will do as a married couple, so still so much to look forward to

**confuzzled**

Dinah93 wrote: »

I think for me the issue is more that I've read quite a few women on the weddings board talk about how depressed they were after the wedding, not having it to plan for anymore, and nothing being any different, and it all just feeling a bit flat. I can't see how I could possibly feel like than when I finally get to take my new husband home after 2 years of dating, the fun will be just beginning!

Nah it's not a depression, more an adjustment, as I'm sure you're aware(or soon will be) that planning your wedding takes over a HUGE part of your life, then suddenly not having to plan it is kind of weird to being with but then you remember that you have a new husband to play with;):D
If we'd moved house around the same time as getting married I think I would've been a nervous wreck, moving 8 months before the wedding was stressful enough:rolleyes:

kingkano

I think comparing now to the 60s is the problem. As you say, people would have been mortified had you lived together. Now its the accepted norm, and in fact many people don't ever get married. It's also much more accepted to 'try before you buy' and make sure you get on.

I think also your harking back to the time when people did stick together thru thick and thin. It seems people can't be bothered these days and there is less commitment to work through problems, see things out etc. This is shown thru by the fact that marriage rates are down astronomically and divorce rates up massively.

I dont think there is any less magic to getting married though. It's the final seal on your committment to your wife/husband

Pee

If the first time you leave home is to move into a new house with your newly married husband who is also away from home for the first time it must be very scary. It must work as it has done for years, but by the time I was alone in a house I couldn't just leave, I was with a man I felt very comfortable with, who was my best friend. In a very traditional situation, it might be your mum or your sister who is your best friend at the stage you move in.

I also think that learning to live with someone just after you have made marriage vows must be quite tricky. people talk about other people changing once they get married and it would be strange if there was such a big change and then you were having the argument about picking socks up, washing up or cooking. Of course it's normal to have those issues when you move in.

It's bound to be an anticlimax after spending such a lot of time and possibly money on one focus, the same as an exam or a graduation or indeed a baby being born. Hopefully the anniversaries will make up for that.

onlyroz

To be honest, I don't think you can truly know a person until you have lived with them for a while. To know whether you love someone or not you need to have first seen them at their absolute worst - e.g. when they've come home from a bad day at work, are exhausted and in a foul mood. You also need to experience all of their irritating habits, and get an idea about how keen they are on sharing household responsibility. I'm not sure you'll see so much of that until you're living together and if such an experience only happens after you've been married for a few months then you might be in for a shock.

mrbrightside842

I think moving in with someone is more significant than marrying them really. Marrying them is a legality, but moving in with them is spending more of your time with them and knowing them better. I think it's important to know someone 100% before you marry them, and don't think you can do that before living together.