Should I go or not?

emma12345

Thank you all so much for your replies, I was feeling so down about it I couldn't work or sleep. Your replies cheered me up and even made me laugh.

I'll see how the next week or so goes but now I won't go there if I can help it. With DS I'm hoping he'll forget about it, we'll see.

Although my sister's child is very spoilt and gets far too much attention and things, whatever he asks for in fact, underneath he's just a little 6 year old boy who wants to be loved like all of us. Of course I'll get him a card and present for his birthday and drop it off (plus I'll care enough to remember when his birthday is, unlike my parents!)

Sister lives with my parents so it's a complicated situation. Parents kept taking the child and refusing to give him back to sister until late at night so in the end she moved into the house with them. She gets spoilt too and free board and lodgings so she's not complaining! And they get "the son they never had"! One happy family so why do they constantly fight, say they wish each other was dead (seriously they say that all the time), there is violence and screaming and pushing and shoving all the time. Father says hell is on earth now, not in religion. Perhaps they should have been careful what they wished for.

I never wanted to be used, ignored, told I was worth nothing and my children treated worse than dirt and dropped because they now had the "son they always wanted". But sometimes I thank my lucky stars that they did this to us because otherwise we'd still have to be involved with the whole setup.

Thanks again for replying, you are very kind and made me feel less worried about this.

lynzpower

Do I go? Do I say no and risk son going anyway? I so wished we'd moved far away where they couldn't get to us anymore. Any advice is very welcome.

MOVE! ( if you can)

I applaud you for managing to see that this way to treat children is WRONG, after all many abused/neglected children dont neccesarily see it and continue the cycle to thier own kids. Well done for that.

Stick to your guns, dont go.

I would definately keep sending the little lad cards and pa small gift, after all its not his fault he is being poorly parented to the extent that he abuses other peoples homes etc.

lynzpower

Sister lives with my parents so it's a complicated situation. Parents kept taking the child and refusing to give him back to sister until late at night so in the end she moved into the house with them. She gets spoilt too and free board and lodgings so she's not complaining! And they get "the son they never had"! One happy family so why do they constantly fight, say they wish each other was dead (seriously they say that all the time), there is violence and screaming and pushing and shoving all the time. Father says hell is on earth now, not in religion. Perhaps they should have been careful what they wished for.

Im sure you dont need me to tell you quite how dysfunctional this is. :eek:

mini

I feel for you having a similar family experience myself, I think you should go for honesty, I have to at times with my children and say "My parents have hurt me so much, there is no way in the world i want you to be treated in a similar way for that reason we don't see them" it hurts me emotionally and my body literally aches at times when I have to explain or answer question sabout their cousins, why can my mum & dad be grandparents to them etc but you really don't need to be treated like this, if they weren't related you'd run a mile I am sure. I remember the time I said to my sister we were not going to a party she had arranged I said "I could agree to everything you said, yes I'll bring x,y and z, of course we'll be there and hope someone is ill or we find a genuine reason to cancel but I am telling you now we will not be attending for reasons you should understand I am not playing happy families for a few hours for other peoples opinions" It was so difficult to say but I am glad I said it I know I'd have stressed so much over it I would have made myself ill in the process.

The card with money in the envelope is a good idea in my opinion, I don't do that my cut had to be a severance for my own sanity.

Good luck, look after your own, don't feel you have to try & please everyone and above all take care of you

MrsAnnie

Can you take your sister and all the children out to lunch at somewhere like Pizza Hut (or just go to the park for the afternoon and take a birthday cake) on the weekend to celebrate his birthday? Surely you can do a 'sisters' outing without your parents being involved in the plans.

ria.pulls

If I was you i'd avoid them from now onwards and get on with your life.

My grandparents are very similar to your parents, were cruel and neglectful to thier children and have manipulated and played all grandchildren off against each other for our whole lifes.

When they started the games with the great grandchildren it was time to stop. We haven't seen them for a year and its the best thing that we have ever done!!

If i were you i'd not bother with the card and just 'forget' the childs birthday. I'd go out for the day and 'miss' any calls they give you. If your son only wants to visit for a crate of beer have you thought of just buying him some yourself?

Your family sound like controlling horrible people and although it maybe a hard time when drawing a line and moving away from them, In my experience its the best thing to do.

I figured when I fell out with my family, Its behavour I wouldn't tolerate from, a partner, friend, work collegue, work customer so why on earth take it from a relative.

Its your choice though and best of luck with whatever you do now and in the future.x

rocketdog_2

No - you should arrange a family day out away from it all.

pinkneonmartini

I have to admit i'm secretly happy to have read this thread as it is a scarily similar story to my family and shows it's not just my nan who is an evil cauldron stirring cow! I've grown up seeing things from more of your son's point of view. My mum was the eldest of 7 children and basically used as a cheap babysitter/farm hand/general dogs body for 50 years. I was the first grandchild in the family, and have essentially been completely ignored ever since lol. My nan had a second marriage, and essentially only acknowledges the children of her daughter born from this second marriage, all the older siblings have had nothing but grief of her. I'm 25 yrs old and haven't seen her since i was 17, she is poison! Silly things like we'd spent £200+ in M&S for xmas for her, and she'd take them back get the cash and give it to the golden daughter, me and my bro would be lucky to get a tub of sweets for xmas and yet the other grandchildren would have bikes/toys and later mobile phones/laptops.

Like you, my mum was always told she wasn't good enough, and I said nothing, i watched for 24 years as my nan constantly had her in tears, turned my aunties against her, it was torture. It peaked one evening when a particularly scummy auntie of mine (the 2nd youngest & therefore one of her favourites) rang my mum 174 times in 6 hours!!!! We had to unplug the phone, turn of the mobiles, my mum was distraught. Then they started on me! The messages i got were horrific! I sent my nan a txt message telling her to stop all this or she's have me to deal with. That she couldn't expect me and my brother to allow her to manufacture this torture on our family any more. Strangley i've never heard from her since, and i've not seen my mum cry for almost a year, and you know what, i couldn't be happier!

2 years ago my mum found her Dad on genes reunited, who she hadn't seen for 32 years! And he's still with the woman he left my nan for, and let me tell you, she is a thousand times the grandmother my real nan is! She insists that i'm her first grandchild and has pictures of me and my youngest cousin (who's 2!!!) all over her fridge!

Since my grandad has been back in our lives we've discovered even more horrible skeletons lurking in the cupboards all of which were down to my nan. She has lied, and cheated, and essantially treated my mum and our family like sh*t since the day my mum was born.

What i was hoping to get across to you, is as an unfavoured grandchild myself, i can say without a shadow of a doubt that your son will know he's not treated the same, and will eventually see his grandparents for what they are. He's still fairly young, my brother is 21 and still "isn't bothered" by the whole thing, he just doesn't bother with my nan, and hugs my mum alot more than he used to lol. Boys do seem to be a lot more laid-back about family, like they'd rather just be nice and get along, than risk causing ripples.

As for the party, i'd arrange to be busy on that day, and likewise with regards to babysitting the golden child, once you have the chance to build up the relationships with your own chidren away from your parents, they may realise that their missing out on things that they simply aren't going to get back.

DKLS

Zazen999 wrote: »

I'm so annoyed, I'm tempted to take you all out myself.

I'd be happy to throw £50 in so they didnt have to go, I have some family members that the moment I turned 18 I cut from my life as they were destructive elements who I had no desire to be around.

I last saw them at a family funeral 3-4 years back they hadn't changed one bit, I called in for a drink after the service, paid my respects and saw certain members setting themselves up for a massive drinking/fighting/trouble causing session, and headed out the door.

zzzLazyDaisy

((((hugs))))

It is true what they say - you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

However, you CAN choose whether or not to continue a dysfunctional family relationship, just the same way as you CAN choose to create a new family of loving friends.

There is no point in continuing with relationships that hurt you and make you unhappy. If someone you married treated you this badly, eventually you would have to say 'enough is enough'. This is no different.

The only thing I would say is - consider leaving the door open for your sister, if you can. It sounds like she is weak and vulnerable to let her mother take her child and refuse to give him back when asked, even to the extent that your she had to move in with her mother in order to maintain a relationship with her own son :eek:.