Should I go or not?

emma12345

I'd really appreciate your opinions or ideas on what I should do?

Basically gparents ignore my 2 children, favouring my sister's child, a boy.

For example, on my son's 16th birthday they sent a card on the wrong day, decided they weren't interested in celebrating it and didn't even phone or turn up to say happy birthday despite having his mobile phone number, living only 2 miles away and passing the house regularly when shopping.

Fine, it hurt us, but in a way it's a relief if they want to be like that as they have been so nasty and selfish in the past we are better without them.

Another time my mother (daughter's grandmother) saw daughter at a shopping centre. She was holding her other grandson's hand (the chosen grandchild). Daughter sees her cousin and grandmother. Calls and goes to run over. Grandmother drags the chosen one away. Daughter very upset. OH didn't believe she could be so nasty, said she couldn't have seen her, so he takes her up to grandmother again and calls out. She looks at him and walks away. Sister says to her we are there. She is still not interested!

As someone who spent their whole life being the brunt of her cruelty (she used to say practically every day "You're not wanted, your dad wanted a boy") I'm used to her nastiness and grew up with zero self esteem and no confidence. However when she does it to my children it's not right.

However the problem I have now is that it is the other grandchild's - the chosen one's birthday in 2 week's time. We have not had much contact with them except on the rare occasions when my dad turns up at our door to make us look after the chosen one (and to tell us what to do - "he will want to play on your computer", "he will want you to do this" etc. Unfortunately he is also very very spoilt and causes damage to our house if he doesn't get the attention he thinks he deserves - drawing on the carpet, ripping wallpaper off walls etc. He is used to the full time attention of 3 adults 24/7, none of them work, so when he comes to our house he expects the same!)

Back to the point, he says it is the chosen one's birthday in 2 weeks time and he is expecting us to attend at their house to celebrate it.

Despite the fact that my so-called mother probably doesn't want us there.
Despite the fact that they showed no interest in their other grandchild's birthday this year.
Despite the fact that they totally ignore their granddaughter all the time who would love to know her grandparents.

Dad tries to get around my son by saying he'll buy him a case of beer to make up for his birthday and that he should then drink some every night (don't think so - my son is 16).

He is expecting a yes. The thought of even going there with them arguing and fighting with each other is depressing me already and I can't work or sleep properly because of it. They can also be physically violent to each other and I don't think it's good for my daughter to see this.

I long to say no, daughter will do what we say, but son may go anyway as he is desperate for family despite how he has been treated. Then he will get all my dad's 'funny ideas' at an impressionable age (read 'sick' - women are nothing, for example, on the news recently it was reported a man murdered several women, dad said how terrible it was that the man was locked up because now he will miss seeing his sons grow up. The death of all those women in his eyes was nothing and didn't matter, what mattered was the man's feelings. He couldn't be persuaded otherwise. This is only one example of many just to explain why I don't want son to hear and be vulnerable to this.)

Do I go? Do I say no and risk son going anyway? I so wished we'd moved far away where they couldn't get to us anymore. Any advice is very welcome.

If you've read this far, thank you.

BitterAndTwisted

It seems to me that he whole scenario with your parents is so poisonous I'd not want any of my family having any contact whatsoever with these hateful people. If there's a major falling-out about you and your family not going it sounds like it would be a blessing all round.

Your 16 year-old is old enough to make his own decisions and I don't think you should try and stop him if he really does want to go but perhaps he may not want to go alone if he knows you really, really don't want to.

I don't envy you, this sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

Zara33

You had a crap childhood, don't put your kids through it. Walk on by you do not need people like this in your life.

Mojisola

I don't know why you have any contact with them at all. I certainly wouldn't allow my children to be exposed to their behaviour.

I wouldn't have your sister's child in the house, either, while he behaved like that.

I think family is hugely important but, with people like that, I would cut myself off completely. While you allow them in your life, you are accepting their behaviour and it won't be doing any of you any good.

Sunshine12

My god how awful!! I think its good that you are at least admitting that there is clearly a major problem here. You poor thing. I cant imagine what you are going through. Have you tried having a chat with your parents about their behaviour? I dont think the way they are its condusive to the kind of morals and relationships that you want your children to be around and learn from, and as a parent you are entitled to have these concerns. If I were you I would be inclined to have a discussion with them without your children hearing any of it and explain your concerns. If they are not willing to listen then perhaps you need to try and detach from them. I would never condone splitting a child up from their grandparents but it doesnt sound like they are a good influence. Your son is at a very influencial age and for any grandparent to try and offer them beer for example is completely out of order. A good frank chat is required I think. Perhaps you could talk to your sister although Im not sure how close you are with her? If they dont respect you enough to treat you and your family unit with respect then walk away. I truly hope you sort it out. They dont deserve your worry. You are clearly a much more mature, responsible parent than they ever were. xx

durham_girl

A lot of people put up with terrible behaviour from their family as they think, 'blood's thicker than water'. Ask yourself, if a friend treated you like that would you continue to be their friend? If the answer's no, than the outcome should be the same. I know it's hard but you and your family shouldn't be made to feel this way by anybody.

emma12345

Thank you for all your advice, it is appreciated.

I am thinking of perhaps not going but saying we'd be happy to meet them in a restaurant for a meal or something? That way at least they couldn't act up fighting and arguing with each other in a restaurant (well I hope not anyway) and cousin still gets to celebrate his birthday.

Dad would probably refuse as he wouldn't be getting his own way but worth a try maybe?

My biggest worry is if my son goes alone to their house the sick influence my dad may have over him with drink and his sick views on life and women. Otherwise I would find the courage for once to say no, this time we've had enough.

I have spoken to them many times about the way they are towards my 2 children. They aren't interested. Unless we are worshipping their other grandchild with them or they are using us for something we (and their other grandchildren) are valueless to them and are ignored.

Thanks again for your replies.

ailuro2

Tell your son what you've told us, tell him you'd prefer him not to go, arrange a smaller family treat for your kids and you OH.

Decline the invite, saying you had something else on, it's a work thing that you can't get out of....:D

Good Luck - I am estranged from my toxic family, have never been happier, tbh.;)

poppyolivia

No way would I go in a house feeling like you do, getting treated like you do, I would send the wee fella a card and gift voucher at most. After all he can't help the way he's getting brought up can he?
I can't believe people can be so mean...:(

or can you not drop in for half an hour 'on the way to where you are going that day' ?????

Sorry edited forthe second time..I would send a card and skip seeing them....not worth the agro!

username456

Could you not arrange a family day or weekend away for your family so your son has to come with you and not to the party and then do your suggestion of meeting in the pub. You could say it was a last minute thing or a bargain you couldn't refuse.

Then at least you'll all be away having a good time and your (and your son's) mind will be on your day out and not that you/he's not at the party.

Mme.Hibou

I'd probably be busy that day, I'd probably have tickets for something and unfortunately I'd be unable to attend.
Stick a fiver in a card and everyone's a winner.