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The right thing to do
Argygirl
Posts: 33 Forumite
Two years ago I met a man who was first of all a friend to me, but who I now think might be the love of my life.
I had come out of a really bad relationship. I've always been quite insecure and had low self esteem. I like men, but I tend to end up being friends with them, rather than falling in love.
He was separated from his wife. She was doing a two year course miles away and he told me how much in love with her he was. When I met him, he was falling apart because she had left and we both got drunk together far too often. We got together but at my insistence it wasn't serious. We agreed that he was far too old for me to make a commitment to him - I am 34 and he is 61.
He and his wife had a certain amount of contact, especially over his son's wedding and I knew that they were both Catholic. He asked me to marry him, but he also said that half of his money wasn't enough to live on for the rest of his life.
We had a great time together, but then she moved back, said she wanted to live in the house and that if he saw me again, she would tell his sons. The sons are my age and I have met one and got on with him well, but I wouldn't want to come between him and his sons as he loves them so much and is so proud of them.
We said our goodbyes, both agreeing it was for the best, but I was incredibly upset which surprised him and surprised me too. It was like my heart was getting ripped out. It felt really black without him, even though I have a good job, friends, life etc. I still thought it was for the best as he was back with his wife. Last night, we bumped into one another somewhere he would have expected me to be. It was lovely to see him again, he really made me laugh, I had such a brilliant evening and at the end I said something silly about him choosing her over me. He was really cross and said that he would never have chosen her over me, he let her back because I told him there was no future for us, if there was ever any hope of being with me, he would leave her.
But then he said he was waiting on some tests that might change all that. He had been diagnosed with lung cancer.
I was shell shocked with that, and didn't know what to say and hugged him and told him I loved him. He was really surprised, but really pleased and asked did that mean I wanted to be with him.
Then I just went all sensible and said I didn't know if I could be strong enough or the right person and that neither of us wanted to make a mistake and what would his sons think. He thinks his sons will be surprised, but that they'll understand, that his wife will worry most about the money and that we could be really happy together. He's willing to risk it...
So should I just go for it?
I had come out of a really bad relationship. I've always been quite insecure and had low self esteem. I like men, but I tend to end up being friends with them, rather than falling in love.
He was separated from his wife. She was doing a two year course miles away and he told me how much in love with her he was. When I met him, he was falling apart because she had left and we both got drunk together far too often. We got together but at my insistence it wasn't serious. We agreed that he was far too old for me to make a commitment to him - I am 34 and he is 61.
He and his wife had a certain amount of contact, especially over his son's wedding and I knew that they were both Catholic. He asked me to marry him, but he also said that half of his money wasn't enough to live on for the rest of his life.
We had a great time together, but then she moved back, said she wanted to live in the house and that if he saw me again, she would tell his sons. The sons are my age and I have met one and got on with him well, but I wouldn't want to come between him and his sons as he loves them so much and is so proud of them.
We said our goodbyes, both agreeing it was for the best, but I was incredibly upset which surprised him and surprised me too. It was like my heart was getting ripped out. It felt really black without him, even though I have a good job, friends, life etc. I still thought it was for the best as he was back with his wife. Last night, we bumped into one another somewhere he would have expected me to be. It was lovely to see him again, he really made me laugh, I had such a brilliant evening and at the end I said something silly about him choosing her over me. He was really cross and said that he would never have chosen her over me, he let her back because I told him there was no future for us, if there was ever any hope of being with me, he would leave her.
But then he said he was waiting on some tests that might change all that. He had been diagnosed with lung cancer.
I was shell shocked with that, and didn't know what to say and hugged him and told him I loved him. He was really surprised, but really pleased and asked did that mean I wanted to be with him.
Then I just went all sensible and said I didn't know if I could be strong enough or the right person and that neither of us wanted to make a mistake and what would his sons think. He thinks his sons will be surprised, but that they'll understand, that his wife will worry most about the money and that we could be really happy together. He's willing to risk it...
So should I just go for it?
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Comments
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You think he may be the love of your life?
But there is the small complication of him still living with his wife?
Or in reality - you are simply his bit on the side?
Can you see how this is going?"One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."0 -
You don't think he will leave? Hmm... I hadn't thought about that. The thing is, I haven't been his bit on the side. We stopped seeing one another when she moved back in, more or less.0
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who is to say he won't leave you again?0
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Don't go for it. You deserve your OWN man.QUIDCO £2827 paid out since October 2007:D0
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He's been with his wife for over 35 years, and didn't leave her, she left him.
Isn't dying leaving me, though?0 -
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but then he went back to her.
leave him alone to be with his family, find a man of your own x0 -
You don't think he will leave? Hmm... I hadn't thought about that. The thing is, I haven't been his bit on the side. We stopped seeing one another when she moved back in, more or less.
No idea really - but can you see how it looks from the outside?
It sounds more like she's more the "love of his life" - after 35 years of being together. But what would i know
At the very least, he doesn't think you're worth taking a risk for. He doesn't think it will work (or you'd have him) so he's staying put with his wife. Where's the romance in that? Is that what you want out of life, a 61 year old married bloke who won't put himself on the line because he doesn't think you're worth taking a risk for?
Sorry, but no thanks. At aged 34, I'd want someone to sweep me off my feet. He sounds far too dowdy for that!
He sounds more slippers and nail clippings than moonlight and roses!"One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."0 -
So even though his wife went away, you think because he took her back, because he didn't know how much I cared, that they should stay together?0
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You are trying to make this sound like something out of Casablanca. It isn't. He is a married man approaching retirement age with enough baggage to sink a ship. It sounds like he took advantage of the fact that you had just come out of a bad relationship and also that you seem to have self esteem issues. I don't believe the story with his wife and although it sounds awful I don't know if I believe that he has lung cancer either.
Walk away quickly and don't give this man a second thought. You can do better, honestly.0
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