The giving up/cutting down alcohol support thread! Part 5

Cat_Addict

Hello all,

AF again last night so that was three in a row - is that a 72 hour challenge then?

Also, in the last 7 days I have only drank on two of them which I'm really pleased with. Would really like 4 AF days a week - more would be a bonus. In fact, 5 would make me feel like a normal human being LOL! To just drink Friday and Saturday ie. not on a work night would relieve so much stress as I spend much of my days worrying about drinking too much.

honeybear_2

I'm so tired...

*waves to all*

Back later - long day at work

shaggydoo

Morning :hello:,

Day off today:j Got back from work late - after 9 - sat down and the bells started to clang:eek: which was daft as it was so nearly bedtime. Anyhoo, I thought of this thread and resisted and was tucked up in bed by half ten and asleep by 11. So 1 more AFD for me:D. So

9 for me please GG




Shaggy

jo1972

I apologise (actually I don't ) but this post is very VERY long....

I just want to thank those of you that have PM'd me overnight, there were not only a couple of people on here, but also a couple of lurkers (you know who you are ), I think this is on the back of my fess'in up to being suicidal over my drink addiction.

Firstly, I would like to say that this is a giving up and CUTTING DOWN thread, there is nothing wrong with drinking alcohol if you can control it, there are lots of people on here that don't have a problem with alcohol but are benefiting from cutting down to save money. There is nothing wrong with this so please don't feel as though you shouldn't be posting your AF day successes

What I am about to post is my drinking 'lightbulb' moment, it's difficult for me to put down for all to read but I feel that today is the day I need to get it off my chest. I apologise in advance if I upset anybody but I need to explain how my relationship with alcohol ended one month ago today :T

My 'moment' was really quite frightening and came on suddenly, got very very p!$$ed on Monday 12th October, between 7.30pm and 11pm I drank 6 cans of stella, 1 can of guinness and when that was finished was taking large swigs out of OH's Jack Daniels bottle in the kitchen cupboard I was very depressed that day, had had a full on day with lots of stresses (this is not justifying it by the way, I now know that these stresses would still be there drinking or not).

I woke up the following morning about an hour before the alarm, this is something that happened to me everyday, dry mouth, dehydrated and needing the loo. I laid there for an hour before I had to get up and experienced a head under the duvet day which has never happened to me before, I'm usually up and about and getting kids ready etc. but that day I would've done anything to not have to get out of bed.

I laid there thinking that I can not ever win this battle with alcohol, I sobbed, I think that's how you describe it when you're not actually crying but tears where just rolling out of my eyes and my face was hot and I couldn't breathe and I was making no sound. I came to the conclusion that it would be far easier to not be here. I wondered how many pills it would take to end it and even thought to myself if I took them at around midnight then nobody would know anything about it till 7 hours later. I decided that although it would be devastating for my kids, especially as they are the ones that would discover me as they always come into my bed in the morning, it would be better for me to just be gone and for them to deal with it there and then rather than nurse me for the rest of my (shortened) life with liver disease and watch me drinking to death.

My drinking made me very selfish, my kids didn't get much quality time in the evenings and it even made me so selfish that I was willing for them to live with what I was about to do.

At that moment I honestly could not imagine a life without alcohol and I honestly believed that this would be the right option for my family and for me. I can not believe that I was willing to put my kids through this I had a totally different mindset, one that I can't imagine having now.

I dragged myself into work that day and everybody commented on my mood and asked if I was ill or upset. I am the best person ever at mustering a brave face and a smile but not that day. I was desperately desperately down and kept welling up all day.

I'm posting this and am sure that lurkers that don't have a drinking problem or those that are lurking because they have a partner or member of their family that do have a drink problem could feel quite angry about what I was considering, probably think me quite selfish and maybe even think I am unfit to have a family. But I want people to understand that, as RA would testify, alcohol is cunning and baffling and it changes your thought process to such an extent that you are no longer rational or the same person that you used to be. I was consumed with the need to drink. I am welling up writing this now, I can't believe that was me, I was at my personal low....others go far lower

I hope that I've not brought the thread down, this place is full of such support and we laugh our way through it, but I feel I wanted to explain how I got to my drinking 'lightbulb' and hope that it might help others understand what goes through people's minds when they are being controlled by a substance, not necessarily just alcohol.

On the plus side, I am 30 days sober today :j, 1 month ago at this precise time I was feeling those desperate thoughts, today I am a new person, it really does happen that quick if you are willing to stick to it and want to be alcohol free, in fact the haze lifts after a week or so and every day I am feeling more positive. I am frightened about the future and the potential of drinking again as it's all still very new to me. BUT I am full and I mean FULL of excitement of no longer being controlled, no longer having to wake up thinking, did I drink, how much did I drink, I don't want to drink, but I need to drink, how am I going to drink without anyone finding out, how am I going to buy it without anyone finding out, where am I going to hide it, am I going to be found out?

I can not believe what I turned in to, I even watch the programmes about alcoholics that we've been talking about recently and I totally empathise with the addicts and their friends and families but up until a month ago I was still not seeing myself in them, it'll never happen to me, I'm not like that.

It did and I am and I can not go back there.

Thank you to each and every one of you for being there for me over the past year or two. I hope you all get to where you want to be and hope we all continue using this forum for support and friendship, you have all been monumentally important to me and if it weren't for you lot then I wouldn't be sat here posting this message I'm sure.

Thank you :A

Back to normal posting now please

xx

jo1972

maman wrote: »

jo, I make it that you will be a month AF tomorrow. That's great :T At the risk of sounding flippant, perhaps your problem with your hands is down to so much cleaning

Indeed it is yeah and maybe you're right, think I should stop the cleaning :rotfl:

xx

Pippilongstocking

JO - well done on letting it all out - xx Hugs me lady. Haven't caught up on last night yet - off to the docs....

DS sick got dash.......just wanted to give you a big whoop whoop for letting it all out and putting it down on 'paper' so to speak - so glad you're so positive now. xx

jo1972

I hope DS is okay my dear?
xx

paybacktime2008

Jo I'm now crying! What a great post. Well done you. I've just been washing up...why does washing up make your mind wander (thinking of biglasses revelation at the sink!) I've been on anti depressents for a couple of years now and I got to thinking....maybe my depression isn't depression at all just a symptom of my drinking if that makes sense? I read a quote the other day and it said 'Now the aneathetic has gone the surgery begins' can't get that one out of my head.

I'm off to my mums for the weekend, and whilst she doesnt drink heavily she will have a glass of wine with dinner...she has commented on my drinking and knows I have stopped but it's the first time ive seen her since. I'm slightly worried about being there...I suppose it will be one of my first 'tests'

Have a great weekend everyone.

mollypolly

paybacktime2008 wrote: »

Jo I'm now crying! What a great post. Well done you. I've just been washing up...why does washing up make your mind wander (thinking of biglasses revelation at the sink!) I've been on anti depressents for a couple of years now and I got to thinking....maybe my depression isn't depression at all just a symptom of my drinking if that makes sense? I read a quote the other day and it said 'Now the aneathetic has gone the surgery begins' can't get that one out of my head.

I'm off to my mums for the weekend, and whilst she doesnt drink heavily she will have a glass of wine with dinner...she has commented on my drinking and knows I have stopped but it's the first time ive seen her since. I'm slightly worried about being there...I suppose it will be one of my first 'tests'

Have a great weekend everyone.

Paybacktime.....Be brave....I am sure if your mum has commented on your drinking and knows you have given up then she will do everything to help you.
Good luck.....remember after the 'Surgery' you will be 100% better.

Take care of you
Love Mollypollyxxxx

mollypolly

fayjmck wrote: »

JO - well done on letting it all out - xx Hugs me lady. Haven't caught up on last night yet - off to the docs....

DS sick got dash.......just wanted to give you a big whoop whoop for letting it all out and putting it down on 'paper' so to speak - so glad you're so positive now. xx

Fay....Hope DS is ok....Do let us know.

Love Mollypollyxxxx