At my wits end and don't know what to do

kittiej

Hello Cherrypie

OK the simplest solution would be for your OH to stay at home.

If work has dried up then at some point you both have to face the fact that he is no longer self employed iyswIm. No jobs = unemployed.

That does not mean that he has become redundant because he could now give you the support you need to be able to do your course, it's just a matter of switching roles - for the moment

If he would help you for the next couple of years then I'm sure by the time he can resume his business that the recession will be behind us and he might have more success, combine this with you employed as a qualified midwife then things will not be half as bad if he has a lean few weeks.

I can't help but feel that if you carry on down the rout you're planning then you will come unstuck.

What if the Au Pair doesn't turn up? What if they do turn up and see a family in chaos that they hot foot it straight back home?

I don't feel that your expectations are realistic tbh and how can you possibly give your course the full attention that will be required if you have all this in the back of your mind?

Also if your DH doesn't have any jobs on then will he be at home at the same time as the Au Pair?

I'm just not convinced about the childcare part. What does your DH think about staying at home to keep house?

Please keep us posted

cherrypie556

I have asked OH to stay at home with the kids as that would be the best all round thing to do but he won't. He isn't the type of person to stay in all day. He has worked since he was 16 and I think the thought of not working is a scarey prospect for him but I agree with you all and think this will be the best solution all round.

As regards to the Au-pair working more than 25hrs a week or as someone said up to 12 hrs a time, that isn't going to happen. I finish at 4 each day (for the 1st 10 weeks, shes only here for 3 months) and is hubby is working he will start after the kids go to school. My sister has 'lent' us a futon so she (or us depending who goes in the loft) will have somewhere to sleep. The au-pair is fully aware of what she is getting into, what i expect of her as we have been intouch since June.

As for the au-pair 'hot footing it back home' she might hate it here, but she is from France, doesn't drive and the nearest airport to her town is an hour car drive away so she can't just up and leave. We might not have a lot, but we have a lot in respect of care and friendliness. She will get paid and made to feel like one of the family. her happiness will be paramount to ensure I don't hae to worry about childcare.

kittiej

Well I am going to be outspoken sorry, but, and I say it with the best intentions possible but your financial happiness should be paramount to your OH. You also says there's a problem with the van?

You have squared it with the Au Pair regarding her pay? How long is she going to have to wait for her first payment?

If he doesn't like the thought of not working then what is he doing at the minute? Is he then prepared to get employment working for someone else?

I am being tough because you asked for help but when it comes to the crunch I think it's falling upon deaf ears.

So what will happen after the three months are up, indeed what's the point of three months? furthermore, if your Oh can do his jobs after the children start school then why can't he finish to pick them up again?


There seems to be more questions than answers

I take it you don't like the advice but it would be such a shame if you were not able to realise your dreams because of male pride.

Take care and all the best.

Shoe_Gal

Sensible advice kittie :A

Not sure the OP has a workable situation at the moment but I hope it works out - I admire your commitment to your training :A

kittiej

Thanks Shoe Gal

I feel like I'm being an ogre but I've never been one to compete in the popularity contests.

I am actually pulling my punches (I could have been much worse but I don't see the point )as I don't think the OP has a workable situation either and that's a shame.

If my OH tried to stay 'self-employed' even though it wasn't viable I wouldn't be very impressed.

I would be saying to him that when he is earning enough to pay for childcare then it will happen, until then he has to realise that being a midwife is steady income provider and he should overcome his own issues to help his wife.

Men can be such stubborn creatures at times.

cherrypie556

I agree with you kittie I really do but dh will not stay at home. Yes the au- pair knows how much she is getting paid and is fine as it's the norm wage, she won't have to wait to get paid either, she'll get paid each monday when our TC's go in the bank. It's only for 3 months as then the kids will go to a childminder as that's when she has spaces. I thank you all for your comments but the aupair and her working hours and pay is not the issue here; and yes, DH is looking for employment he's not stupid enough to think the money will just appear.

kittiej

So why won't he stay at home if it's just for three months?

When you're on here posting that you only have six quid then the Au pair very much is the issue

kissjenn

cherrypie556 wrote: »

Have looked at childminders but there aren't any local that have spaces. it would mean having to go to 3 different childminders which i physically cannot do, plus they charge £20-25 a day per kid, so in the hols its still going to be a min of £80 a day. The au-pair is £70 a week. Due to the nature of my course, i do not get school hols off so need childcare for them, also i will be working 12 hr shifts and have up to 4 assignments ata atime to complete so going on the bank system probs isn't viable. TBH

I can see from your replies that you're getting really angry so sorry if this adds fuel, however I'm getting less convinced with every new post that you've really sat down as a couple and truly thought the practicalities of this through. I honestly believe that everyone on here wants you to make this work. We want you to have a career for both you and your family's benefit but you have to plan it.

And I do speak from experience, the feeling of sinking doom while you're caught in traffic and you have 10 minutes to get 10 miles to a childminder, after school club or whatever is bl00dy awful. To turn up and find the helper is sitting unpaid on the steps with your child is hard. You feel a failure as a mum, as a worker, as a wife. And tomorrow you go off again praying that everything will fall into place because one screw up by anyone and you're the one who pays. And I freely admit I have one child, with 4 that's a lot more prep time and screw-up potential.


And yes I'm the one who brought up the 12 hour shifts based on your post. You have travelling, studying, practicals and a household to run if OH isn't getting involved. Now you're finishing at 4pm and OH is dropping kids off at school and picking them up as necessary. Is this honestly going to work around a job or is it wishful thinking? This isn't any sort of a dig but simply asking you to be very very honest with yourself.

You will not be able to study and learn to the best of your ability if every second is spent checking you've childcare and working out how to pay for it. You need a solid childcare solution, finances sorted out and backup plans in place.

I wish you the very best of luck on your course.

kittiej

Like kissjenn said I'm afraid.

What will you do when someone takes a liking to you and you only, and insists you stay to deliver their baby?

It's a hard job in so many ways being a midwife.

Are you an RGN wanting to specialise?

RecoveringAlcoholic

My local churches provide free food parcels to help destitute families.



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