Relationship Imploding; Where Do I Stand?

Money_maker

Big hugs, I so feel for you - your post made me so indignant.

You have been amazing, nows the time to ditch the **** thats been dragging you down. Do get professional advice from a solicitor and dont be afraid of what lies ahead - its always better than what lies behind.

Good luck, we're all here for you.

mum2one

Def agree re 1st post, def reduce the info, as less chance for him to recognise himself.
Its not easy, but ur a strong person, even thou you may feel like breaking down, ur strong. U've got a whole support network here. xx

skint_chick

Good for you for realising he isn't the man he should be and being strong enough to know you have to walk away. I would change your Council Tax back to your sole name tomorrow. Legally unless your OH can prove he contributed in some way to the value of your house/ home improvements he cannot claim anything and you seem to be able to prove this isn't the case so you'll be fine. I would talk to your mum and her OH because it's nice to have some support when you're having a hard time.

A move away and a new job will give you a fresh start - your new colleagues will know you as single. A bit of distance means you won't have to bump into him either. I know you're short of money but as another poster says I would send him off to the pub for the afternoon, then ask friends to help pack up his stuff, change the lock barrel and then begin your new life. Make sure someone is with you when he returns and call the police at the first sign of trouble. Make sure his stuff is in bin liners and won't be damaged if it rains, and that everything that belongs to him/ reminds you of him is gone.

Good luck and keep us posted, I've been there with a man who managed to spend all my money despite having a job and advertised himself on internet sex sites too so I know exactly how crushing it is when you are hearing how much he loves you but his actions behind your back show the exact opposite.

paddy's_mum

It's a long time since I heard anything so downright despicable as this man's wicked farce regarding his vasectomy! I'm so angry on your behalf because, along with all the other unpleasant and disloyal actions, what he has done is outright theft!

He has robbed you of children. He has also stolen all those years - you can never get them back. Your use of the word 'grief' is entirely accurate.

The coming weeks and months will be hard but I wish you courage and a happier future. I hope it helps you to know that others will be thinking of you. I wish you every bit of luck and good fortune you so clearly deserve.

pretzelnut

I cant help on the finalcial side but i just wanted you to know that many women past 40 have kids.

My mum at the age of 46 is having her first course of private IVF in november with her new partner after she was sterilised 20 years ago.

She only has till she is 47 as the IVF doctos wont do it past that age.

InaPickle

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It completely sucks. However, you need to 'bomb proof' yourself as much as possible before it all comes out in the open. Imagine that the worse-case scenario will happen, prepare for it as best you can and then if it does, you'll be fine. Chances are that it won't, though, but better safe than sorry. You've already made a good start on the forwarding of texts and e-mails. I would recommend the following in your situation:

Get to a solicitor as soon as humanly possible so you can realistically assess your position and do anything you need to in order to make yourself as Teflon-lined as possible, and get any evidence the solicitor may need you to gather in order to present the best possible case in case he tries it on. Get documentary evidence for simply EVERYTHING as this can be used as evidence in a court of law.

Change your passwords on your e-mail account(s) in case he has guessed what they are. Make it as random as possible and impossible for him to guess. Perhaps open a special e-mail account he knows nothing about to send any further 'he-mail' to, and delete any trace if it from your browser.

Make hard copies of all the e-mails he has sent and leave them somewhere safe (not at your house in case he finds them). If you can do something similar with the texts (leave them on a SIM at someone's house), do so.

Collate all the bank statements, bills etc. you have since you have lived together. You need to try to prove your financial contribution to paying for the house, him and his children, and how little he has contributed. Also leave this somewhere safe. If you can prove he paid any money toward the mortgage, council tax or any bills at any time, no matter how small the amount (particularly if he paid it to you first, and then you paid the bank) this might be able to be used to prove his 'acknowledgement' of your rights as the legal owner of the house in a court.

Even though he had a first affair with his ex a long time ago, any proof of it you can get would be particularly good as it proves he has cheated many-times and in the long-term.

Any evidence you can get to prove he has had the snip, and particularly not told you about it, would prove his deep deception of you in court.

Get his name off the Council Tax ASAP and find proof that it was you who paid for 100% of it to nullify any claim he may try to launch because of that one piece of paper to link him to the house.

Don't mention the 'beneficial interest' thing or put anything in his mind that may make him think of it. If you are lucky he'll be too stupid to know about it!

Also, don't necessarily think about giving him the car: you are in the stronger position here. It's up to him to prove anything with paperwork. By the sound of it, you've got lots of it and he will have very little.

Essentially, try to think of any point from which he might try to launch a case from, then get as much physical evidence as you can to prove that he has no case. If he doesn't have the paperwork to prove that you are wrong, he will not be taken seriously in court. The burden of proof will rest with him, and he won't be able to do a thing.

never_enough

Really feel for you, the guy's a total waste of space! You've had some good advice, but like others have said I'd be concerned at the amount of detail you've put in your op just in case he reads it.
Also wanted to say that if you're going to give him the car then please make sure to sort out the transfer of ownership. The last thing you need is being chased for unpaid tax or parking tickets, or whatever other mischief he could get up to.
Things will improve.

DKLS

pgilc1 wrote: »

Firstly, find yourself a GOOD divorce solicitor. Not a cheap one, not an efficient one, not a paper pusher, but a GOOD aggressive divorce solicitor.

From personal experience, I would definitely second this advice, ask around the local solicitor, as to who is the pitbull of local solicitors, and go with them, It will cost you in the short term, but the skill and viciousness of a great solicitor will pay off in the long-term.

If you happen to be anywhere near West Yorks, I can highly recommend 1 particular solicitor, who is infamous for destroying men and their 'claims'.

SandC

That's great that your mum's husband is a solicitor. Even if he doesn't practice family law if he works in a practice he'll be able to get you some free advice from someone there I am sure. For what it's worth, he doesn't sound like he would be entitled to anything. He has been living a rent and bill free existence for all this time - a bit of DIY doesn't constitute beneficial interest.

Besides which - it's your house. Chuck him out. Don't waste any money on any legal advice right now because the onus is on HIM to prove he has beneficial interest - and the minute he goes to a solicitor he'll realise he can't afford it or they'll tell him he shouldn't bother. Of course there is the risk he'll lie to them, but you will then have the evidence against him and that will be the end of it. Inform the council that you are now living alone so you can get your 25% off too. Having him down as living there for the purposes of council tax only makes you an ordinary and honest person - it can be easily proven who paid it.

The cheating, the emails, his behaviour, having the snip is irrelevant.

elona

I'd be sorely tempted to let him hear me being sick, then announce I thought I was pregnant at last, how wonderful and I was going to give up work and live on benefits as some things were more important than money.

You wouldn't see him for dust!!!!! It would also explain why you were not "affectionate" IYKWIM.

I had my youngest DD at 43 (after three miscarrages) so don't assume it is too late for you.


I agree with the advice about getting a pitbull of a solicitor!

Don't let him have the car- take it for a drive to a friend's garage (out of sight) and let him think it has been stolen, once he is thrown out of the house, sell the car as it is your property and that will pay for the repairs.

I'd also be tempted to say I had a phone call from some girl who says she is having his baby in a couple of months- that coupled with you throwing up noisily should convince him the snip has gone wrong.;)

Why should you be the only one worried?


Definitely reduce the identifying info!!!!!!!

"Lying, cheating sponging scumbag" should be enough of a description.