Intimacy and Body issues

DKLS

youngandworried wrote: »

Thanks DKLS, it's great to have a man's perspective. I think though for most men, yes of course they don't mind, because they have a child as a result of her battle scars - and it's a sign, as you say of what she has gone through to create a life.

Me, on the other hand is a little different - I'm sure if I had a child, I wouldn't care, but I don't, I am responsible for it, through binge eating,

I have to explain all that to him, and then the tummy and it just brings up all the past and I'm over that now, but in a way I am reminded every day, when I see myself in the mirror.

Go easy on yourself, we dont come with a comprehensive instruction manual when we are born. And whether your body wears the scars of mother hood or not, a good man will love and lust after you in equal measure.

I was discussing this with friends over dinner last night, and what sort of women we fancy, I have always gone for slim women with small boobs, thats what rocks my world, but the other two men stated, that 1 liked Amazonian type women, tall and very sturdy a bit like Zena, and the other he liked petite women with big round bellies and huge boobs. and when asked if scars, spare skin or other things would bother them, we all said no.

Women come as a package you are not defined by your skin, thats not what makes you, you, its just another small part of you that makes up the whole.

I used to be heavily involved with an eating dsorder charity, and we made short film/social experiment, we sourced a size 6 blonde model and a size 20 blonde model.

The scenario was they were to walk into the pub and order a drink and we would film the reactions.

We told the size 6 girl to keep her head down, act shy and down, she went in nobody gave her a second look, the Size 20 model we told to give it large, full of confidence, she waltzed in ordered a drink and in the space of 5 mins she was being chatted up by 4 guys. Confidence is very attractive, and as Gok Wan says anyone regardless of size and shape can look stunning.

Anyway enough of my morning ramblings, keep smiling and dont let yourself grind yourself down, anything is possible with you at the helm.

Gingham_Ribbon

DKLS wrote: »

A lot of men simply dont care, My best mate ,his missus has had 4 C sections and to be honest her tummy isnt the prettiest perfectly toned and sculptured tum and she has been very hung up about it, but my mate loves her tummy, as that shows the battle scars that makes her a mother. He once admitted to me whilst being a bit tipsy that he is hugely turned on by her scars.

I agree with this. A lot of men (and women) just don't care about things like this, and actually like the things that make you special.

Thing is, your tummy is evidence of a struggle that you've battled and won. It's part of the road map of your life and along the way there will be many more things that happen to you that will display themselves on your body, like operation scars, worry or laughter lines etc.

This isn't really about your tummy. It's about your self esteem and the culture we live in that insists that women look a certain way. For most of us it's impossible, whether it's uneven boobs, big noses, stretch marks, cellulite, little fat legs or whatever, most of us don't look like the magazine girls (even they mostly don't look like they do in the magazines.)

You could risk your health and get the tummy tuck, but if that will cause problems if you get pregnant is it really worth it? Will you feel too self conscious about your scar to let a man get close?

Your tummy is NOT disgusting. Seriously. It's completely normal. Instead of your body changing, (and perhaps having to deal with the fallout of realising that the tummy tuck didn't make you happy with your body, just like losing weight didn't) try to focus on building your self esteem and confidence.

You may just find out that a 'I don't care what he thinks of my body, I want sex and I'm going to enjoy it' will be WAY more attractive to a guy than a flat tummy. REally!

PS I am very overweight after some very difficult pregnancies and dealing with illness. I'd love to have had the strength to slim down like you have. However, I couldn't give a stuff about my stretchmarks and neither could my husband. In fact, he has some too after a course of steroids for an eye infection that nearly made him blind. To me his stretch marks are a reminder of how brave and strong he is and I love them. And his nobbly, clumsy, gangly, bumpy elbows, knees and knuckles that used to embarrass him? They're perfect to me.

DKLS

Atomised wrote: »

I saw you make a nasty remark on another thread about a woman's body after pregnancy
Why the change of heart?!

Different day, different thread which raised thoughts of my ex, which always promotes a different mood.
This week I am a care bear, next week who knows....

Gingham_Ribbon

Also, DKLS, you were pointing out your friends' feelings. If you like the smooth belly, skinny woman, that's nothing to justify. We're all different.

youngandworried

Hi everyone,

Just an update - I had a date and we had a great time and had a bit of a cuddle etc and I was a little bit tipsy, so thought s0d it and stripped to my underwear in bed. Now, i did have some nice french knickers on, which were quite supportive around the tummy and it was candlelight as well, but he didn't seem to be bothered in the slighest, or even notice, was too interested in b00bs!!!!!

Anyway, I've decided to go ahead with the tummy tuck - life is too short to be worried and I want to have it done, really for clothes, as trousers etc are too big on bum and legs and tight on tummy etc.

I will keep you all updated with the progress - am going to see a counsellor next week as well.

kindofagilr

eternal_sunshine wrote: »

Think of the benefits you are doing to your health and you body on the inside though, with all your exercise and water intake etc-thats bound to count for something :-)

I know your question was directed at Emmzy, but I used to be so self conscious about my stomach when I was first with my boyfriend-i used to keep a top on when we had sex, because I was so embarrassed. But given time,with the right person, you just feel comfortable with them and you lose your vulnerability bit by bit, and it gets easier to show them things you are insecure about. It just takes time, and the right person. Don't be afraid to go on dates though, because you don't need to take your clothes off on the first date or anything-you can just get to know guys, and you'll hopefully be one step closer to meeting the person who you will be comfortable around.

I too echo this.

I was a size 10 all the way through growing up, then I gained weight when I got my first job (as I had gone from being really active walking everywhere to sitting on my !!! all day in the office eating lol)

I was totally self concious about my body, I didnt want anyone to see me naked, it took till I was 25 to realise by body isnt that bad (but I still wasnt comfortbable with it) and I accepted the offer of a date (my friend worked with this guy and she thought we would get on so she set us up)

I was so nervous about meeting him, when I met him, I fell for him straight away, it was love at first sight, I hoped it was the same for him.

Thankfully it was, we had the best date ever, he asked me out officially and we startde dating.

I got over the body issue by wearing a pair of sexy pjs for bed and leaving the light off lol

And then eventually I felt really comfortable being naked with him.

We are now engaged, have bought our own house together and are expecting a baby and have been a couple for nearly 3 years.

Its something I think that you have to get used to over time

But its right, any man that is worth your love will not see/care about the stretch marks

(((hugs)))

ETA Didnt realise you had replied lol

Well done for having a good night and good luck with the op if that is def want you want xxx

youngandworried

kindofagilr wrote: »

I too echo this.

I was a size 10 all the way through growing up, then I gained weight when I got my first job (as I had gone from being really active walking everywhere to sitting on my !!! all day in the office eating lol)

I was totally self concious about my body, I didnt want anyone to see me naked, it took till I was 25 to realise by body isnt that bad (but I still wasnt comfortbable with it) and I accepted the offer of a date (my friend worked with this guy and she thought we would get on so she set us up)

I was so nervous about meeting him, when I met him, I fell for him straight away, it was love at first sight, I hoped it was the same for him.

Thankfully it was, we had the best date ever, he asked me out officially and we startde dating.

I got over the body issue by wearing a pair of sexy pjs for bed and leaving the light off lol

And then eventually I felt really comfortable being naked with him.

We are now engaged, have bought our own house together and are expecting a baby and have been a couple for nearly 3 years.

Its something I think that you have to get used to over time

But its right, any man that is worth your love will not see/care about the stretch marks

(((hugs)))

That's a lovely storiy and has really given me hope - thank you and congratulations on your pregnancy

yummymummy79

Only caught this thread tonight, but yay for you and the date!
Has been said lots already (and seems like you've realised it a bit now too!) but the vast majority of guys really won't care or even notice. I've got a few issues with stretch marks, a wobbly tummy bit (both from being preggers) and scars on my bum from my skin condition (HS) and can honestly say that none of the guys that I've been with gave the smallest hoot! As you've said, once they're focussin on other bits in dimmed light then who cares!

Hope you can feel happy with whatever decision you make, and I can't imagine that having the new tummy tuck scar would make any difference to guys just as it wouldn't for some of the probs you've got now so I guess it's whatever makes you feel better.

fantasia322

Aww, honey I really feel for you, the apron does make you feel bad. Just promise if you do look into getting a tummy tuck you will go to a proper approved surgeon approved by the proper medical authorities. Beter still get ur GP to refer you. Men dont notice but you got to do what makes you feel better - Love n Hugs. Debs xXx

DEEBEE_2

Y&W. I just had to comment. I've been left with an overhang of belly fat following an emergency section with my DS. I wasnt self conscious about it I too saw it as a battle scar, and part of the story of my life until my husband mentioned it at one point and I became so paranoid I started saving for a tummy tuckand wouldnt walk around naked in front of him. I was hyper critical of myself and my appearance. I couldnt accept myself for who I was and I was never like this.. My marriage broke down and I was left with the paranoia caused by an OH who couldnt be happy with what he had and was looking for excuses to be critical of me. Anyway. long story shorter - I've since met a lovely bloke and he has never commented on my overhang (and I'm still completely paranoid about it). he's even gone so far as to kiss the scars from my gall bladder removal operation. There are lovely blokes out there who dont give a toss about physical appearance in that way. If they find you funny and interesting and attractive, they dont mind about an overhang. I applaud your determination in saving so hard for your operation and if it's truely what you want and you feel you can stop at the tummy tuck, then go for it. In the meantime. did you ever think about wearing a little slip in bed? I've found that it hides all the bits I'm not so confident about but still allowing for a bit of fun iykwim.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. XX