Intimacy and Body issues

youngandworried

Hi everyone,

I'm a regular poster on here, but wanted to change my username for this post.

When I was at university, I put on a LOT of weight, through depression (won't go into too much detail). I went from a size 10 to a size 18 in a year.

I stayed as a size 18, for another two years (possibly even went up to a size 20). Anyway, I managed to sort myself out and with the help and love from my family got myself down to a size 8, through the gym and health eating.

Because, I was never really that big (10/12) before uni, I lost it all in about 8 months - didn't really try and rush it too quickly, but it came off quickly.

I have basically destroyed my body, I am fair and I have pale skin, that bruises very easily and scars and scratches take a long time to heal.

Anyway, I am covered in stretchmarks, despite using Cocoa Butter since I was 17, I'm now on Bio Oil twice a day. That is bad enough but there is worse...

My tummy is completly ruined, I look like I've had a baby, I literally have a massive apron/flap off skin, it is like jelly. I can't get rid of it, I've done hundreds of sit ups, paid for personal trainers, firming creams, everything.

There is no muscle tone in it, it's awful. I can't lose any more weight and the worse thing is because I have quite slim hips, legs, it looks worse - bulging out of trousers etc.

Anyway, I've saved up enough money to have a tummy tuck, as this is the only option to get rid of it. However, it is a massive operation and the scar is from hip to hip, it's also advised to wait until you have children, (I'm 21) but the excess skin is ruining my self esteem and confidence.

I have not had a sexual relationship or partner for over 4 years, I am petrified of getting intimate with a man, he will be so turned off. I know people will say 'if he loves you etc' but there has to be a physical attraction and most other 21 yo's will have no stretchmarks and smooth, flat tummy's.


I really don't know what to do - if I have it done, I'm going to have a HUGE scar, and that will also be a massive turn him off. I'm so upset and angry at myself for letting myself get that big, I feel like I am never going to have a wonderful relationship with anyone because of it and all the issues associated.

Thanks for listening, would welcome your thoughts.

eternal_sunshine

Hiya,

I don't really post much on here but wanted to reply to you. Not sure I have much advice for you but I can offer my opinion anyway.

Firstly, I don't think you should get angry or upset at yourself for allowing yourself to 'get that big'-you should be focusing on the fact that you did so well in managing to lose it all-thats such a great achievement and it shouldn't be overlooked.

I put on weight through secondary school and the start of uni, and because I put on the weight pretty fast, I have lots of stretch marks on my arms and stomach. I've lost all the weight (I'm still looking to lost a bit more), but my stomach has stretch marks on it and is definitely not smooth or flat-it has stretchy skin and it really annoys me. However, I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and this has never been an issue (and his ex had an amazing body). Guys don't notice stretch marks the way we girls do, and we always notice imperfections in our body way more than other people do.

Surgery is a massive step to take and is very expensive. There are also health risks associated with it, not to mention the fact that you are still young. Yes a tummy tuck might get rid of the problems you have with your tummy, but it will be replaced with a scar and there won't be an operation to fix that, so whilst you might not have the flap of skin etc, you will have something else which may upset you more, if you know what I mean?

Well done for saving the money for the operation-but think of all the amazing things you could do with that money-you could travel, or put it towards something amazing for yourself. If you go a tummy tuck and weren't happy with the results-you would have spent all that money and not be any happier for it, which would be such a shame.

I think you need to learn to love your body how it is. I know thats way easier said than done, but I think working towards improving your self esteem and the way you view your body would be a better option for you, rather than spending money on something which might not make you feel better.

If you really were concerned about stretchmarks, then laser surgery might be an options(i've only heard that it has been used for this, but I have no idea what its like or how successful it is or anything).

I don't know if you haven't had a partner for 4 years because of your body issues or whether other factors have led to that, but I can guarantee that when you meet the right person, he will love every inch of your body, stretchmarks and all, because it belongs to you.

Please don't feel down about this(i know it's easier said than done), but you have achieved a lot in losing the weight you put on, plus saving lots of money, and I think that focusing on the positives and working on your self esteem is priceless.

emmzy

Im 23 and look about 40 naked because of depression and anxiety I put on heaps as well I was always big but went from a 18 to a 26 Im now back at a 18 and still cant go out as I feel everyone stares and stuff, I have all the lumpy bits and loose skin and its disgusting I hate it so much but after watching ricky lake the other day and seeing people who went through such surgerys and almost died with complications and things I would never consider surgery. Im getting married in Feb to a man who loves me and loves my lumpy bits even though I cant stand them honestly men arent interesting in the belly its the bits above and below that they want lol and as my mum told me "you dont look at the fireplace when your poking the fire" :rotfl: Learn to love yourself and when you figure out how tell me!

wilf55

dont really know what to say but please dont be unhappy

if you find someone he will love you for the inner you...learn to love yourself


as for sugery if you decide to go ahead...can you get it done on the nhs because it is making you sooo unhappy i dont know if you can but just a thought

best wishes

love debsxx

youngandworried

Thank you for all your kind words - I feel really teary reading them.

I'm just so fustrated and upset - I honestly do not have any junk food, i treat my body like a temple now, water, creams, excersise and still it looks awful.

My mum says it's just the way our skin is, she has stretchmarks from me, but has never gone over a size 10 pre and post pregnancy. Her friends have yo yoed up and down to size 20+ and haven't got a mark on them!!

The reason I haven't had sex with a man is because of this,I just can't let them see me naked, I'm not being a drama queen, but my stomach is revolting, really revolting.

Emmzy - I am so happy for you that you're getting married, can I ask you how you felt comfortable enough to get naked in front of your partner (sorry if that's too personal) but that is my biggest problem. Now, it's got to the point where i won't even go on dates, because there's no point, I'm not going to have sex with him and they get fustrated and think I'm odd.

Wilf55 - thanks for the advice about the NHS, it's not really about the money, it's about the scar - it's just whether I can cope with a belly like this or a smooth tum, with a very deep, long hip to hip bone scar.

eternal_sunshine

emmzy wrote: »

Im 23 and look about 40 naked because of depression and anxiety I put on heaps as well I was always big but went from a 18 to a 26 Im now back at a 18 and still cant go out as I feel everyone stares and stuff, I have all the lumpy bits and loose skin and its disgusting I hate it so much but after watching ricky lake the other day and seeing people who went through such surgerys and almost died with complications and things I would never consider surgery. Im getting married in Feb to a man who loves me and loves my lumpy bits even though I cant stand them honestly men arent interesting in the belly its the bits above and below that they want lol and as my mum told me "you dont look at the fireplace when your poking the fire" :rotfl: Learn to love yourself and when you figure out how tell me!

Amen! congrats on you getting married too!

OP-have you researched the procedure and heard both sides of the story etc etc? I seem to remember Sharon Osbourne saying that when she got her gastric band surgery and lost all her weight, it was the tummy tuck to remove that loose skin that was the most painful part. Also, if you have kids, do you know if that will affect the results of the operation(ie, would you be back to square one if you got the op now, then had kids?)

Nadeshka

I know it's hard to believe but really men won't really care (well the ones you'd want to be with at least) as much as you will.
I too have lost weight, though it was put on while I was growing in my teenage years and lost very slowly so it's better than it could have been - but I'm still overweight and have many body hang ups (including the saggy stomach/skin etc) but I just try and put it at the back of my mind. I didn't want to let my hangups get in the way of our relationship and he doesn't see any of them anyway. The more I tell myself to ignore them and that they're not that bad the more I've started to really believe it!
It's so cliche but the right guy will love you as you are.
If you're really serious about surgery and you can get the support of your friends and family then do what makes you happy. What would happen if you were to put weight on again or have children though? If the scar is still going to upset you then maybe surgery isn't the ultimate solution.
And congratulations on the weight loss - that is impressive - you can't change what has happened to your body but you can be proud of what you have achieved. :T

eternal_sunshine

youngandworried wrote: »

Thank you for all your kind words - I feel really teary reading them.

I'm just so fustrated and upset - I honestly do not have any junk food, i treat my body like a temple now, water, creams, excersise and still it looks awful.

My mum says it's just the way our skin is, she has stretchmarks from me, but has never gone over a size 10 pre and pst pregnancy. Her friends have yo yoed up and down to size 20+ and haven't got a mark on them!!

The reason I haven't had sex with a man is becasue of this,I jsut can't let them see me nakes, I'm not being a drama queen, but my stomach is revolting, really revolting.

Emmzy - I am so happy for you that you're getting married, can I ask you how you felt comfortable enough to get naked in front of your partner (sorry if that's too personal) but that is my biggest problem. Now, it's got to the point where i won't even go on dates, because there's no point, I'm not going to have sex with him and they get fustrated and think I'm odd.

Wilf55 - thanks for the advice about the NHS, it's not really about the money, it's about the scar - it's just whether I can cope with a belly like this or a smooth tum, with a very deep, long hip to hip bone scar.

Think of the benefits you are doing to your health and you body on the inside though, with all your exercise and water intake etc-thats bound to count for something :-)

I know your question was directed at Emmzy, but I used to be so self conscious about my stomach when I was first with my boyfriend-i used to keep a top on when we had sex, because I was so embarrassed. But given time,with the right person, you just feel comfortable with them and you lose your vulnerability bit by bit, and it gets easier to show them things you are insecure about. It just takes time, and the right person. Don't be afraid to go on dates though, because you don't need to take your clothes off on the first date or anything-you can just get to know guys, and you'll hopefully be one step closer to meeting the person who you will be comfortable around.

youngandworried

eternal_sunshine wrote: »

Amen! congrats on you getting married too!

OP-have you researched the procedure and heard both sides of the story etc etc? I seem to remember Sharon Osbourne saying that when she got her gastric band surgery and lost all her weight, it was the tummy tuck to remove that loose skin that was the most painful part. Also, if you have kids, do you know if that will affect the results of the operation(ie, would you be back to square one if you got the op now, then had kids?)

Yes, I've done loads of research on it and I'd say about 80% of people think the scar is worth the trade off for the flat tum. It is advised that you wait until you finish your family, but that's in an ideal world of course.

If you get pregnant, then all the work is undone and you are just re-stiched, similar to a caesarean I believe.

delain

i have had three children before i was 19 and have had stretch marks and a wrinkly tummy since then, and i think it looks worse to you than it does to other people, because you think about it all the time. That's how it seemed to me, and now i'm more comfortable with myself (although i've gone up to an 18 too) i find its a lot less of a problem.

chin up, you'll get there!

DKLS

A lot of men simply dont care, My best mate ,his missus has had 4 C sections and to be honest her tummy isnt the prettiest perfectly toned and sculptured tum and she has been very hung up about it, but my mate loves her tummy, as that shows the battle scars that makes her a mother. He once admitted to me whilst being a bit tipsy that he is hugely turned on by her scars.