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tirlittan

I think the last couple of years of their relationship where quite strained as she wanted to get married and have kids and he was digging his heels in. The thing is, he was happy then with the status quo, and I think this situation is exactly the same.

I think I've only once talked about moving in together and he said we'd have to live somewhere else and that living together is difficult. He asked why I wanted to live together and I said I like all the mundane things about living together plus spending time together.

He's a very stubborn person, so if I go about it the wrong way, I won't get what I want, even he wouldn't mind it. If he doesn't want something, then it's never going to happen. Ultimatum won't work, though that's my last resort.

I'm slightly freer to do stuff in his house now, but it's very much his house, his rules. At mine, we mix much better, sharing cooking duties and stuff cos I don't have the pressure of doing something 'wrong'. I know it sounds like there's so much wrong that it almost isn't worth bothering about, but there's also so much right, that I don't want to leave him. I know it's partly me as well, I should've started raising these things ages ago and dumped him then if I didn't get the answers I wanted.

clearmydebts

tirlittan wrote: »

I think the last couple of years of their relationship where quite strained as she wanted to get married and have kids and he was digging his heels in. The thing is, he was happy then with the status quo, and I think this situation is exactly the same.

I think I've only once talked about moving in together and he said we'd have to live somewhere else and that living together is difficult. He asked why I wanted to live together and I said I like all the mundane things about living together plus spending time together.

He's a very stubborn person, so if I go about it the wrong way, I won't get what I want, even he wouldn't mind it. If he doesn't want something, then it's never going to happen. Ultimatum won't work, though that's my last resort.

I'm slightly freer to do stuff in his house now, but it's very much his house, his rules. At mine, we mix much better, sharing cooking duties and stuff cos I don't have the pressure of doing something 'wrong'. I know it sounds like there's so much wrong that it almost isn't worth bothering about, but there's also so much right, that I don't want to leave him. I know it's partly me as well, I should've started raising these things ages ago and dumped him then if I didn't get the answers I wanted.

So he has already failed to take the next step with the last girlfriend? He sounds a bit selfish to me.

You deserve someone who is crazy about you and who wants to work in partnership with you, and is dying to marry and live with you. I know you are aware of all this but the sooner you get out of this then the sooner you can meet someone who treats you the way you should be treated.

I know he sounds like good company and he was very generous with your birthday present but you sound to me like you are friends. Where is the passion and declarations of love? Are they things you need, or are you happy to live without them?

poorandindenial

tirlittan wrote: »

I think the last couple of years of their relationship where quite strained as she wanted to get married and have kids and he was digging his heels in. The thing is, he was happy then with the status quo, and I think this situation is exactly the same.

I think I've only once talked about moving in together and he said we'd have to live somewhere else and that living together is difficult. He asked why I wanted to live together and I said I like all the mundane things about living together plus spending time together.

He's a very stubborn person, so if I go about it the wrong way, I won't get what I want, even he wouldn't mind it. If he doesn't want something, then it's never going to happen. Ultimatum won't work, though that's my last resort.

I'm slightly freer to do stuff in his house now, but it's very much his house, his rules. At mine, we mix much better, sharing cooking duties and stuff cos I don't have the pressure of doing something 'wrong'. I know it sounds like there's so much wrong that it almost isn't worth bothering about, but there's also so much right, that I don't want to leave him. I know it's partly me as well, I should've started raising these things ages ago and dumped him then if I didn't get the answers I wanted.

Some of this is so similar to me it really is uncanny. I always see OH in his flat because it is much easier, when he is at mine I just feel completely invaded. I shared (housemates, not conjugal - lol) until about 18 months ago and have always needed lots of my own space. It is really interesting seeing it from your perspective as I suspect you and mu OH have lots in common. Back in November he sort of issued an ultimatum, but he has gone back on it now (move in or its over) and he has said he can wait until I am DF for an answer, I have realy, really thought about it but I almost start hyperventilating at the thought of living with another human being, let alone sharing bedroom space.

I don't know that I could even begin to count the times I have tried to speak to OH about how i feel and to try to make it clear that he shouldn't count on me changing my mind in the future. I find that as a woman that is very much a loner at heart and that doesn't want children or to get married - I often am on the receiving end of looks of sympathy and comments of 'Oh, you'll change, just you wait'. I am rambling but I feel terrible that OH might have that in his head and be taking a punt on some common belief that probably on't ever be a reality. I am not suggesting you would do this, I guess I am just saying please don't pin happiness on a hope that things might one day change.

I think it is so, so hard on both sides of the fence when you want different things.

I have never concealed how I am or feel from OH, but I suspect he has from me because he doens't want to rock the boat. I do love him and I can't imagine not having him in my life, but I just can't go the extra step that he wants and just knowing that I am letting him down like that is pretty horrible.

Tirl, hun, I really, really feel for you.

tirlittan

clearmydebts wrote: »

So he has already failed to take the next step with the last girlfriend? He sounds a bit selfish to me.

You deserve someone who is crazy about you and who wants to work in partnership with you, and is dying to marry and live with you. I know you are aware of all this but the sooner you get out of this then the sooner you can meet someone who treats you the way you should be treated.

I know he sounds like good company and he was very generous with your birthday present but you sound to me like you are friends. Where is the passion and declarations of love? Are they things you need, or are you happy to live without them?

I disagree with some points, but agree with others.

I've never had a big thing about getting married, I'd get married if someone asked me, but it's not something I need from a relationship and I don't want kids either, so from that point of view,we suit each other.

We are more than friends and there is passion, but I agree, I'd like to have someone who's crazy about me and who wants to live with me. And no, I can't live without someone loving me and it is getting to the point where I'm just gonna ask straight out and if the answer doesn't please me, then I'm out.

Thanks for your help and honest opinions, I do need the support because I know I have to do this soon. I'm still thinking after the Ireland trip, but that seems so very far away, I'm not sure I can leave it that late.

The thing is, when ever I say I love you (rearly cos I don't want to not hear it back) or text it (more often cos I don't have to look him in the face when he doesn't say it) I get nothing back. I know this should be a huge alarm bells ringing in the air situation and it is and everytime I don't get an answer I get more despondant about our relationship.

tirlittan

poorandindenial wrote: »

Some of this is so similar to me it really is uncanny. I always see OH in his flat because it is much easier, when he is at mine I just feel completely invaded. I shared (housemates, not conjugal - lol) until about 18 months ago and have always needed lots of my own space. It is really interesting seeing it from your perspective as I suspect you and mu OH have lots in common. Back in November he sort of issued an ultimatum, but he has gone back on it now (move in or its over) and he has said he can wait until I am DF for an answer, I have realy, really thought about it but I almost start hyperventilating at the thought of living with another human being, let alone sharing bedroom space.

I don't know that I could even begin to count the times I have tried to speak to OH about how i feel and to try to make it clear that he shouldn't count on me changing my mind in the future. I find that as a woman that is very much a loner at heart and that doesn't want children or to get married - I often am on the receiving end of looks of sympathy and comments of 'Oh, you'll change, just you wait'. I am rambling but I feel terrible that OH might have that in his head and be taking a punt on some common belief that probably on't ever be a reality. I am not suggesting you would do this, I guess I am just saying please don't pin happiness on a hope that things might one day change.

I think it is so, so hard on both sides of the fence when you want different things.

I have never concealed how I am or feel from OH, but I suspect he has from me because he doens't want to rock the boat. I do love him and I can't imagine not having him in my life, but I just can't go the extra step that he wants and just knowing that I am letting him down like that is pretty horrible.

Tirl, hun, I really, really feel for you.

Thanks PAID. Yes, I've concealed my feelings because I haven't wanted to rock the boat. But I have learnt a lot over the years in different relationships and I always know when the time comes when I can't take anymore and things need to be sorted. It's different in every relationship and bf has had 2 years. I will talk to him first, but I will also leave him if I don't get what I want, because I know there are plenty of men out there who'd love to love me and live with me and if I stay with current bf when he doesn't want the same things, I'm wasting my time. Saying all that, it's never easy to end a relationship when there's so much good in it.

All the best with your relationship as well.

tirlittan

Now I can't stop thinking about this...:(
Meeting a friend for lunch thank god though and no talk about bf with him, so that should take it out of my mind for a bit.

clearmydebts

I hope I didn't come across as harsh. I just wanted to try and be honest and give an outside view. I was in a relationship for a year and a half and while I was getting declarations of love, he wasn't backing them up with making an effort to see me. And I am not someone that needs to be with someone 24/7!

I had to break off that relationship and I was devastated as I thought it might bring him to his senses. He did regret things but that was a year after we broke up and I had moved on & no longer had feelings for him. I was so upset at the time though, and took me about 4 months to pluck up the courage to end things.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you come across as a lovely person, and I would love to see you with someone that wants to move at the same pace as you.

tirlittan

CMD, you didn't come across as harsh at all! I always prefer people to tell the truth anyway. I've been dealing with this situation for way too long now and it is time to sort it out. Might be another month, but the time will come. I know splitting up is not the end of the world, but it does take some courage to do. Thanks for your support.

clearmydebts

tirlittan wrote: »

CMD, you didn't come across as harsh at all! I always prefer people to tell the truth anyway. I've been dealing with this situation for way too long now and it is time to sort it out. Might be another month, but the time will come. I know splitting up is not the end of the world, but it does take some courage to do. Thanks for your support.

It certainly does take courage. Some people stay for years. It is hard when you have been part of a partnership. The romantic in me hopes he realises what he is losing.

CAFCGirl

oooh does that mean I get to be the harsh one? LOL Only jossing....

My take on it is simple, if there is something you want/need and you ask for it, and dont get it, there should be a reason (not one that you have to come up with) forthcoming.

I spent 3 years with a guy who was decent, nice, affectionate, told me he loved me, had passion with etc, but he was never gonna live with me, and he told me because he never saw himself living with anyone.....
My line was I didnt want to be just "anyone"....

If Im not the one that changes that, if I'm not the "one"..... then I'm not gonna waste my time trying to change that....

And then what happens, well 2 months after splitting up Im engaged to be married and moving in together..... and there was no battle, no internal emotional struggle with whether or not it was right, no play for power etc....

When it boils down to it, I think we all know what we need to do, it's just the doing it, and sticking to it thats hard.....but you just have to remember why you're doing it, to give yourself a future of happiness, love, and intimacy.... and that makes each day a little bit easier to get through.... xx

God you can tell Im an emotional pregnant woman LOL