too scared to tell hubby about debts

dottyanne

Hiya Zoopygirl

I think it amy be me who some of the ppl on here are referring to - I was in a similar situation to you and came totally clean with OH a few weeks ago - after making myself so ill/stressed i had reached breaking point. He knew we were in debt but had no clue as to how behind/in arrears we were with some of our bills. I printed out a SOA and left him to read this - i included everything on it - it went really well - he was brilliant and i felt so much better - i'm still handling the finances which is double hard as im self employed and have two lots to tackle but i dont feel as alone now and if i have any money problems etc i dont hesitate to tell hubby as its HIS problem too. PM me if you want to talk to me further about how to go about it - but you will really feel so much better by talking to him and sharing your worries.

monkeyspanner

You need to clarify your real position. Here are some questions.

In your figures there seems to be a big gap between the incoming and outgoing figure. £1364 a month.

On the face of it you should be able to clear your debts pretty quickly so there must be more outgoings either regular payments or random spending. You need to identify where that disposable income is going in order to really tackle the problem.

We already know you are paying £152 minimuum on your card every month which doesn't appear on your outgoings list. Similarly your Tesco loan repayments do not appear on your outgoings. Car tax also does not appear on your list. Neither does internet access ISP payments. Even with those expenses that still would leave you £1000+ per month. So where does that money go?

You owe £11500 approximately to finance providers who are ripping you off you should aim to get rid of those debts as a priority. If you can't shift them to better providers you have to pay them off. First priority, cut up the cards, chuck out the catalogs identify your outgoings more accurately. Second priority tell your husband as he is involved and his standard of living will be affected as you reduce your debt, you will need his help. Third priority change your mind set from "I want this" to "Do I need this".

There are also some practical things you can do immediately. Presumeably you have something to show for the credit card and catalog debts. You must have loads of stuff you no longer need unless you have a hidden vice like gambling. Have a sort out and invest some time selling your excess items either at car boot sales or on e-bay. Most people should be able to raise about £1500-£2500 this way which would clear most if not all of your overdraft and catalog debts.

Better still get your 20year old to stand in to cold and sell the stuff if he can't do anything more useful. Its ultimatum time for him I'm afraid and thats another good reason to tell your husband you both need to be on the same side on that issue. £20 a week is rediculous he has to give you more and if that effects his life well maybe it will give him the incentive to stir himself to act like an adult and get a job.

What have you bought in the last month and haven't used that you could take back? Most stores will accept goods back within 28days of purchase, assuming of course that you keep your receipts, if you don't that might be part of your problem.

Good Luck

linniestorm

zoopygirl wrote:

have 2 children 16 and 20 1 still at school one on the dole which doesn't help as I was getting maintentance of £200 per month and just didn't budget for the loss of that! I am pushing hard for my son to get a job as the £20 he contributes a month does not pay for half of the food, electric etc that he uses!

That is taking the michael a bit!! I think monkeyspanner is right, he does need a bit of a talking too! I've just turned 24, and my Mum has very kindly let me move back in with her while I chip away at my debt, but I didn't move back home until I had a job in the area, and I'm giving her £175 a month for rents and bills and food (which I feel very guilty about, I don't think its enough, even for the lancashire area, but she only wanted £150 so its better than that and as my debts decrease my rent can increase!) And as soon as my debts are gone, I'm out of there, to give her back her space and both of us back our sanity!!!

As much as I adore my mum, there's nothing more motivating about paying off debt when you're my age than living with your parents! I'm hoping to have it all paid off this year, instead of 'in the fullness of time' which was more my attitude when I was sharing with friends, which could have got a bit ridiculous! But there is the other side of the coin where you can take advantage a bit because they are your parents, but I think he's getting to an age now where he needs the blinkers taking off, having been there it is scary, but I wouldn't go back to not being as independent as I am these days for the world (well, apart from the living at home thing, but that is most definitely temporary!)

Perhaps once all is sorted with your hubby you could sit him down and point out what it would cost him to live on his own and that he should contribute a bit more and it would still be cheaper than moving out! If he could make up the difference in the lost benefits it would be a start! And then if no joy it might be time for some tough love. A job or 3 months notice to get his own place, that would hopefully jump start him into getting motivated about employment!!

zoopygirl

I'v chucked the catalogues cut up the card and am about to contact Pay Plan to try and work something out with them, still not had the guts to tell hubby but he knows something is up, he keeps mentioning people he know that have been in debt and what happended to them. I'm really useless with money (if you hadn't already guessed) so when I tell him I'm going to let him run the finances, open a joint account and give him my card. I have stopped shopping for the sake of shopping, the big problem was I was using my credit card to pay for other debts and now it has all got out of control. Will keep you posted and thank you all again your advice is greatly appreciated and I am going to use it.

Emmzi

Zoopy,

sounds like he already knows and having it out in the open may be a relief for both of you.

I think there is a balance though - be careful you don't end up with *no* control over cash - you need to keep some responsibility (and freedom!) MAybe a basic account with no debit card or overdraft for the budgeted cash/ shopping expenses?

Good luck, will be thinking of you.

zoopygirl

This weekend I reduced some of my catalogues by using the commission to pay off the accounts so have reduced those debts by £300 might not seem much but it feels like I am taking a step in the right direction.

Thank you all for your support it makes it easier knowing I have people to talk to.

david_hellier

Poor zoopy! I completely understand your fears. Some of those card rates are a bit hefty but we'll mention them later.

The first thing to do is make a pot of tea and sit down with your man and explain the situation. Ignoring it will not make it go away but it may make your marriage go away. If you cant bring yourself to tell him now, lets try and get straight before you tell him.

The first thing to do is to stop using your store/credit card any more. For the time being just pay slightly more than the minimum payment next month and then the same each month after that; keep the payment level the same!

Work out a weekly budget, even though you are paid monthly. Keep food, Sky, the mobile, out of it for now. They are luxuries. Yes, even food.

Add up all your monthly income and work out how much a week it is. Add up all your other monthly out goings including the loan/card repayments and work out how much a week these are.

Take the weekly outgoings from the weekly income. This is the amount you can spend each week on food, Sky, booze, gambling, holidays. Write down everything you spend each week in a book. Because you are a couple the amount is half each. Make sure you each do not spend more each week than is coming in.

Once you have settled down into a routine and stopped using cards, tackle the Argos card and the other 29% APR card first, perhaps by taking out an unsecured loan over the shortest possible period; plenty of info on this site.

Before complicating matters by switching to cheaper debts, get your budget settled, then start bargain hunting for better deals. Rule No 1; No more cards.