Am I being unreasonable?

freebie_junkie

babe_ruth wrote:

As for his friends spending freely, if what he tells me is correct, they are from families who can't afford to support them so they get a grant as well as a loan.

there is a grant called a hardship grant, but from one person who runs a home all teh time to another, money doesnt go far when you got all your utilities to pay, plus rent and council tax and food etc., does it? hall fees are nowt compared to that!

in first year i still lived at home but i certainly wasnt given an allowance! (i hadnt been given one since i was 15- it used to boggle my head that peopel in college got dinner and bus fare money despite havign a job?!) neither did i have my hall fees paid for me, i did it all out of my loan. i worked a few days a week for teh SU, i never got over-drawn or had a CC, i was just good with my money!

now im in second year and live in my own flat (all teh time- not a stuident flat!) im still not over-drawn and i look after myself completely. liek i said before, most students get to live rent, bill and food-free evry holiday, we 'grant' students mainly dont. teh grants arent automatic and teh amount you get depends upon your circumstances and its certainly not for luxuries. i suspect these peopel your son sees flashing their cash are using over-drafts and credit cards etc. and i agree with a prevoius poster, tahst a bad position to get into for teh future!

if teh government has assessed you as being able to contribute X amount, then you can probably afford it, they would say if you werent would they? if taht is for fees, great but i dont agree with all thsi paying for accomodation lark or having an allowance (my eyes rolled back in my head at that one!!!)

I managed ok, i was just clever (and still am) i get my nice clothes from tk maxx, i dont drink, i cook food from scratch, i got to orange wednesdays films, etc. etc. maybe you and your son could have a money saving chat, pass on your expertise?

Thriftylady

I've a feeling I am going to get a lot of heated responses for suggesting this, but I wonder if peoples expectations of their standard of living whilst at uni have increased? Its only ten years since I was there, but my flatmates and I really did scrape by on very little - I was wearing the same scruffy old jeans and boots at the end of third year as I was in sixth form ! (luckily it was all the fashion back in the day....)And in all honesty, we didn't go out all that much because we just didn't have the money to, although I'll not claim that we never wasted money on socialising, because of course we did. As for parental contribution, my parents wouldn't have seen me go without food or shoes, but as for funding any socialising, forget it, absolutely not. It seemed harsh at the time (my parents are comfortably off), but with hindsight they were absolutely right, no one is owed the luxuries in life.

Having said all this, I don't doubt that it is increasingly difficult to manage at uni these days, and I truly wouldn't want the burden of being a student in this day and age. And I'm sorry to be so negative, but unfortunately with increasing numbers of graduates there really is no guarantee any more that going to university will provide a higher salary later in life. Very few of my classmates have ever got a foot on the ladder of what would be classed a graduate job, and its not because we got poor results, or lack motivation, or did a non-academic degree, its simply because there are more candidates than jobs.

babe_ruth_3

weve had many chats over the year about money and up untill going to uni he had a bar job whilst at school.

My worry is that if he doesn't get enough from us he may turn to cc's etc and get into debt as he never actually asks us for anything, he's not interested in clothes etc but I do know he likes a good times with his mates(you know what I mean).

Having said that he is 19, unfortunatly at the moment he's 19 with his head (stuck up his !!!!!!) sorry, did I just say that I mean in the clouds and his music.

Ah well, one day I'll let you all know how it turns out:undecided

lara1983

The previous poster's probably right then. Pay his fees, and leave him to it for a while. Review it at the end of the first term and see how much he has spent! Work out what it amounts to a week. If it seems too much (which it probably will), you'll have to have a serious chat about budgeting! Like previous posters, I think you have to choose between several things: if you want to remain laid back and not get a job, then spending less and doing cheap activities like student cinema and sports rather than clubbing is the way to go. Getting a paid job (but realising it may affect your work if you overdo it) is the other option which means you have more freedom to do things and maybe get some good work experience. If you think he's taking your money for granted though, the only way to get it through to him is to make him live solely off his loan for a while and see it melt away before his eyes!!
Let him know that you're going to start keeping an eye on his money - it's your money too after all!

crazyscientist

Apologies if i have read this incorrectly but did you say that your son in question is not your current partners' son?

If this is the case then i think your income assessment should be done on YOUR income only (excluding everything to do with the boy's stepfather as he is under no responsibility to provide for him)

Check it out with the LEA, it may make a big difference!

babe_ruth_3

Yes lara, my gut instinct tells me you are right about leaving him to it. We have made sure that the money coming in from his loan goes on tuition and accommodation and not having a good time. But we also have to add to the loan to cover the expense of tuition and accommodation byabout 1200 I think.
Therefore my original question of "Am I being unreasonable" is about not funding all his other (living) expenses during his second and third years.

Crazyscientist, Unfortunately we are both resposible for our son.
That sounds awful of me to say that maybe I should rephrase that - he belongs to both of us. He's a great kid really - love him to bits!!

Crispy_Ambulance

crazyscientist wrote:

Apologies if i have read this incorrectly but did you say that your son in question is not your current partners' son?

If this is the case then i think your income assessment should be done on YOUR income only (excluding everything to do with the boy's stepfather as he is under no responsibility to provide for him)

Check it out with the LEA, it may make a big difference!

that used to be the case, but now assessments are done on the resident parent and their partner's income. So step parents are included now.

megsykins

Crispy_Ambulance wrote:

that used to be the case, but now assessments are done on the resident parent and their partner's income. So step parents are included now.

IIRC Civil Partners and resident same-sex partners are also included now.

Moley456 - :beer: another Keelite! Good Luck for Weds, I had my last ever exam last Thurs - yey! Bring on the Union Fun-ness! :T

Moley456

hi thriftlady,

i expect to some degree you are probably right. the expectation of living has increased in some respects, but i daresay not too much. i'm still at uni but i don't go out and spend a fortune on jeans or other things (a certain supermarket does very cheap clothes!!). I don't drink and when i do go out for dinner i try to make it somewhere cheap, orange wednesdays, or pizza hut when u can get discount. I don't think that is much of a change. However this is where the change is, students who can't survive without ensuite (there are loads of them at Uni, while the rest of us share a bathroom) and also luxuries such as cars. that is where expectations have changed.

MATT

Savvy_Sue

Moley456 wrote:

However this is where the change is, students who can't survive without ensuite (there are loads of them at Uni, while the rest of us share a bathroom) and also luxuries such as cars. that is where expectations have changed.

Actually it's not always the students who 'expect' ensuite rooms, so much as the Universities know they can make a lot more money out of conferences if they can offer ensuite rooms rather than a bath or shower shared between 12 or so!

DS1 went for the cheapest option at Warwick, I'm pleased to say ... but I was quite surprised that there wasn't even a washbasin in his room! Maybe my memory is failing me :rotfl: but I think all our rooms had one, and that's getting on for 30 years ago! (:eek: I first put 20+ years ago, then realised how long ago it really was!)

And I would say that yes, I think expectations have risen for EVERYONE, and that includes students - but you wouldn't expect anything else! Some of us can still remember the family getting their very first TV, which was of course B&W, and a family with more than one TV would have indicated more money than sense! We're less and less inclined to 'make do'.

To the OP, introducting your offspring to the Old Style boards, if you haven't already, might be useful!