Daughter having panic attacks about UNI

johnswife

My daughter, 19, is doing a Foundation course at Leicester and is due to move this Saturday. We took her and a friend up yesterday so she could have another look around walk to the town and see where all the shops were etc.

When we got back she sent her dad an email to ask what would happen if she didn't go.

From about the age of 14 she has had social phobia and panic attacks.
I have been to the doctors so many times seen counsellors and physcologist all of whom she could not open up and speak to. At the time they would not prescribe medication as she was too young but now I think it may make a lot of difference.

She has been planning this for the last year, refusing any money from us, buying all bits and bobs with her own money. She managed to get a part time job with the co-op last October working by herself in the bakery all day on a Sunday. She has given in her notice but has since told her dad that she hated every minute there.

Her dad has had a chat with her and he said he could see the panic in her face. She now might try and go and he has said he will bring her back at weekends if she finds it too much.

I know she is devasted that she gets these feelings but i feel so helpless.

As anyone experienced this themselves?

Catalina83

I graduated from Leicester in 2005, it's a very student friendly city.

From a money point of view, rather than social:
At the beginning of each semester (not term) the Freshers Fair at both universities gives out a book of vouchers that can be used in loads of the independent shops, hairdressers, and various pubs and restaurants, I think it was called the Leicester Cheque Book, it was chequebook sized.
If she wants to get a job, most of the temping agencies were located in Belvoir Street, and the uni job centres also have a lot of good offers. I worked for the (Leicester University) Student Residences bars, and earned around an extra 50 GBP a week, and you don't pay any tax on it as a student.

Social: It's also very easy to keep yourself to yourself, especially in self-catered residences. There are communal areas, but they are seldom used by the whole flat at once. You can request quiet flats, as I did in my final year. Or even request to live with people in their 2nd or 3rd year, who already have their friends so won't bother her about being sociable.
She'll get a personal tutor too on her course, my experience is that they are always happy to help with any problem in- and out- of the course itself and make suggestions to solve any problems. If she explains to them about her phobias, they may be able to suggest aternative accommodation or otherwise.

If she's going to Leicester, I suggest staying away from Mary Gee and the Catered Halls, rather choose The Coppice, or the individual houses that they have round Knighton Drive etc if they are still there, as they are a lot quieter. For De Montford, I can only suggest the flats around Sage Road as that's where my boyfriend lived and as it was mainly mature students, it was very quiet.

johnswife

Thank you for your reply.

I just picked her up, last day at work, and asked if her uniform has to washed and returned. She said that her friend's mum was going to ask about keeping her on an hours contract for her to work when she comes home, hols etc.

so from that she is still going.

It would be too easy for her to lock herself in her bedroom and get depressed so I hope she does socialise. She is in New Wharf accommodation sharing a flat. It's because she is Art Foundation and they start their course earlier so they all get put in that block.

I will tell her about Belvoir street.

thanks

Lokolo

She needs a bf!!!

Rosie75

Some universities / departments have a student mentoring system where freshers are paired up with second year students who can show them around / give advice / introduce them to people. If Leicester don't have that it would be worth her having a word with her personal tutor to see if he/she can introduce her to a friendly second year.
I hope it all works out for her - it must be horrible to feel like that.

aytch

I suffered a very similar experience when I went, infact I read your message and you could have been describing me.
Panic attacks are awful and so many people have them, at some point if you are prone you do have to understand they form part of your life and your personality. I have, over the years, read books, been to councillors and had pills. I found telling people and not being ashamed and trying to hide it has helped me through life. I do have strategies now and this has eased my worry about them happening.
Uni is a wonderful opportunity, people are helpful and as others have said, you can set your own agenda / social activities.
Deep breath, smile, stay focussed and do relaxation activities, especially listening to relaxation 'stuff' on your ipod.
My mum was brill, listened and cajoled and I got there and got through it!
Just remember she is in a select group of at least 10 million people in the UK who have similar feelings.
Go get em tiger!

alyth

oh your poor daughter - whilst I wasn't quite having a panic attack, at 4am this morning I was pacing the house wondering what the hell I had done - I started a return to study course today as I start my access course next week, and I'm a week off 39!

I think your daughter will be fine - there were 80 people on my course today, although we got split into groups, and 3/4s of them were your daughter's age. from talking to some of those in my group they were very nervous as well, and they stay in the town the college is located in. My college certainly seems to have a mentoring system, and we have student advisors that we can talk to, I was very impressed by the support system my college has.

Let your daughter know that if she does want to drop out you won't be disappointed in her, and that you will support her. She has all the time in the world if she wants to return to uni, and if now is not the right time for her then the panic attacks are maybe a symptom of her unconsciously knowing this - I've only had 3 panic attacks in my life and there were reasons behind them, I worked out later.

Good luck to you both.

NickiM

I don't go to Leicester university but might be able to help if you have any questions about Leicester.

I think it is easy for anyone to feel overwhelmed, it is such a huge change. Maybe you could get in contact with the university to see if they could set up some provision for when she gets there, or so you could at least feel safe in the knowledge that she could get help if she needed it.

All the best to you both

edinburgher

Thought I'd drop in and offer a few thoughts if that's ok?

I too am a social phobic (social events with people other than family scare the living daylights out of me, I go blood red, sweat profusely and feel somewhat like how a trapped animal must!) I've felt like this since I started secondary school and it's never really gone away. I feel awkward discussing it, but thought that your daughter might appreciate hearing from someone who has dealt with the same feelings.

While I agree with you and hope that your daughter is able to come out of her shell and make friends, she won't be forced to. As others have said, it's still easy enough to keep yourself to yourself at university if you can't bring yourself to overcome the considerable mental blocks that social phobias place on your interactions with others.

The only time she won't be able to avoid interaction is during group seminars (if she has any of these) and she really shouldn't worry! Almost all undergraduates are terrified of seminars - usually because they're not confident that they have a contribution to make. My experience of five years worth of seminars is that all the participants will typically sit with their heads' down and shuffle papers - your daughter will feel entirely normal

Also, for the first few months most undergraduates are fairly timid and shy (apart from the endless, beer-fuelled conversations about A Level results etc. that characterise the first few weeks of the academic year!) I'm sure she'll meet a few folk with similar interests who aren't necessarily raging party animals.

Sorry she didn't like her previous job - I've always found part-time jobs to be a good way to try and improve my limited social skills

johnswife

Thanks Edinburgher, it is helpful to hear how other people with phobias cope.

She asked this morning to make an appointment with a doctor, so waiting for a call from him. He is the one who knows her history.

I think why she didn't like the job is because she still had that scared feeling so it wasn't enjoyable. She did it purely to earn some money.
Only someone who knows her problems can realise the effort she has to give to actually walk into work. It would take too long for me to explain.
You understand but family and friends who see her working think she is "ok".

As she has said to me, she just wants to be normal.

edinburgher

I think why she didn't like the job is because she still had that scared feeling so it wasn't enjoyable.

Again, that's totally normal for a first job. I didn't really relax at work until I'd been in my first few part time jobs for a year or so!

You understand but family and friends who see her working think she is "ok".

And she probably is, to a certain extent. The only thing that really seems to work for me is to keep exposing myself to uncomfortable situations from time to time. For example, going to a party with friends of my GF who I don't know, or having the guts to change jobs once in a while.

As she has said to me, she just wants to be normal.

I know none of us are using the phrase 'normal' in a nasty way, but it's highly subjective what normal constitutes these days

Personally, I hate my social phobia as it means that I have a very limited social circle (too timid to make friends), but I hold down a decent job with no problems, can speak out in meetings if required and have a perfectly normal loving relationship! That said, your doctor may be able to give advice and make suggestions and this is one thing I've never tried. I have never been so bad that I've actually had a panic attack, although I've been pretty freaked out on occasion.