Slap me with a wet fish

madabout

Sounds like despite life throwing lots of potential triggers at you you're battling through it all. Have you thought about putting together an 'achievement' board? Sounds to me like you need a visual reminder of your achievements and yes 5yrs without fags was an achievement. Even 3 days without them is. Then you have something to look at to remind you that you are achieving things (doesn't matter if it lasts 1day or 100) and that you can do it again, and again and again.

When was the last time you didn't take a salary advance? What was happening then? What was different then to now? The days when you smoke-what was happening those days/what was different? I could go on with my life coaching speel but I'll let you think about those things for now:rotfl:

Keep going, you will get there. Just keep smiling and believing.

mrs_robinson_3

Love this diary - you have a lot going for you, you know. You deserve your better life, but as you know, it won't just happen. So I would say, concentrate on one or 2 things at a time. Which at this time, seem to be stopping smoking, and getting a better work/life balance. Think once you make inroads there, other things will flow.

Very best to you

Mrs R

Pollydaydream

Hi.

Just popped in for a quick update. I am ready for tomorrow and determined to go to bed (and to sleep) by 11 o'clock, which will give me a full 8 hours sleep - luxury

Work wasn't too bad today. Starting tomorrow with a meeting, so it can only go downhill after that! Today, twice, someone asked me how to do something, and I could see they really wanted me to do it for them (and previously I would have - they were small things, but time-consuming), but being in 'survival mode' I deflected it (nicely and with enough information) back to them. One of them did it and the other one went and tried to get someone else to do it, and the world didn't stop turning because I said no :rolleyes:

I'm starting to feel some side effects from the Champix now - have felt sick all day. Cigarettes taste absolutely awful - I'm still smoking because I still think I've got to top my nicotine levels up for the next couple of hours, or I always have a cigarette now, or maybe this one will taste better, but no, the next one still tastes terrible, gives me no pleasure and makes me feel sick. I did actually have the thought today that "I might as well stop" and I certainly haven't smoked anywhere near as many as I usually would. It's still a very strange feeling though - I want to smoke, but what's the point and it's going to make me feel sick anyway, but in my head I haven't made that "right, that's it, I've quit smoking" decision. Again, it's early days and I'm a heavy (and heavily addicted) smoker, so I'm going to carry on with the tablets for the time being.

Thanks everyone for your ideas - it's really good to have some different thoughts and viewpoints to think about. madabout, I am going to try and put together an achievement board; what a lovely idea - it's too easy to concentrate on the things you've failed at and forget about the things you've succeeded at, especially when the dark thoughts hit.

Okay, it's past 11 o'clock, so I am very definitely going to bed now.

Night all.

Polly

Different_Corner

Hi Polly
I identify with all of it !
Been battling with the cigarettes for the last two and a half years. I too stopped cold turkey and was so proud of myself and the ease with which I did it asI'd been puffing away for 20 years. One weak moment and away it goes. Wish there was a back button on this one.

Your champix experience is interesting. I can't wear the patches - strange tingly stinging, very uncomfortable.

As for the other stuff, the job the house etc, as you say they are all interweaved so yes it is baby steps, but Annie's reply to your post really hit me between the eyes. Only one person can change these things.

Oh and well done for saying no and deflecting at work.

Please carry on with your 'ramblings', you write brilliantly, great sense of humour and it's good to know I'm not alone

moo2moo

Keep grimacing. It does get better. Eventually. Perhaps its worth suggesting that work allow some poor unsuspecting high school pupil to come along for a weeks work experience and then you'll have someone around to assist in the deflection and whom you can delegate to, even if its incredibly mundane tasks. They can be surprisingly helpful.

Try putting your fag money into a treats jar. Then you can blow it all on something special like a personal awards ceremony. £5 a day is £35 a week so a month fag free is a weekend away or a very very nice pair of shoes or three - have spent far too much time on the Single and in Debt thread - turns out the answers to lifes problems can all be found whilst wearing the right pair of shoes in the privacy of your own home teamed up with a ridiculous pair of flannel PJs (currently 2 pairs for £20 from La Senza - the PJs not the shoes.

Make a point of doing something for you each day just because. It really doesn't matter if thats an extra ten minutes tidying to make your home feel more welcoming or a quick play on the swings in the park and a whoosh down the slide when theres no one around to laugh if you get wedged and laugh hysterically liked a demented loon (welcome to my world).

macgirl

Pollydaydream wrote: »

I am going to try and put together an achievement board; what a lovely idea - it's too easy to concentrate on the things you've failed at and forget about the things you've succeeded at, especially when the dark thoughts hit.

Exactly! By reminding yourself of your achievements daily, it energises your spirit to achieve even more.
By the way, I can't remember who said it, but you do write very well, ever considered writing? Could be a lucrative sideline....
Keep going x

Pollydaydream

[

moo2moo wrote: »

£5 a day is £35 a week so a month fag free is a weekend away or a very very nice pair of shoes or three - have spent far too much time on the Single and in Debt thread - turns out the answers to lifes problems can all be found whilst wearing the right pair of shoes in the privacy of your own home teamed up with a ridiculous pair of flannel PJs

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I can't remember the last time I did something silly (stupid, yes, too many to count); in fact, I can't remember the last time I had a really, really good, "tears streaming", belly hurting laugh - I think that's what I need. Does anyone know any funny films? I think I'm spending too much time watching CSI and Law and Order repeats - they are good programmes, but there aren't many laughs in them.

The good news is that I'm ready for work tomorrow (was still doing it at midnight last week); the bad news is that I have to go to work. Dreading going to work is such a horrible feeling - throughout all the carp of the last few years, work has been my saviour. Okay, I've got no choice at the moment , so I'll just have to get on with it. On a positive note, I have seriously learned my lesson about having enough money in the bank to be able to say "sod it, I'm off" and after the debt, that's my next target.

I moved on to the higher dose on champix this week and instantly felt completely sick, all day, every day. Cigarettes tasted absolutely awful - I wanted a cigarette, because I hadn't actually stopped, but could only have a couple of puffs and then had to put it out. I had to reduce the dose again for a couple of days because I felt so sick, and then cigarettes tasted better :rolleyes:

I think I was hoping to just 'go off' smoking, or, even better, be able to have just a couple a day and not smoke all the others, but it doesn't work like that. You have to make the decision to stop and then you have to deal with all the habits of smoking, but I think champix does take away the actual cravings and just leaves you with thoughts to deal with. I'm working the dose back up over the next couple of days (talked with the nurse on Friday) and working on setting an actual quit date this week :eek:.
On a side note, I think the champix is turning me off alcohol, because I just don't feel like having a drink. No drinking and no smoking - what am I going to do with all my time :eek::eek:

Have a good week everyone.

Polly

Pollydaydream

Pollydaydream wrote: »

I am going to stop whingeing, whining and moaning and get on with it.

Famous last words! I haven’t been back to this diary for a (long) while – mostly because I was just moaning and whingeing and whining about work and trying to stop smoking. The update is that work is still rubbish and stressful, and I’m still smoking, so huge strides forward made there then!

I’m back because I’ve had another slap with a medium-sized, fairly wet fish this morning. Last night before I went to bed I noticed that my legs, ankles and feet were swollen. They were okay this morning, then started to swell again, so I had a look on the internet and apparently it’s a sign of impending failure of any one, if not all, of my major organs! Okay, I’ve calmed down a bit now, and it’s probably just because I’m dehydrated, have eaten too much salt and can’t remember what a vegetable or a piece of fruit looks like, but the problem is that all of the more serious reasons are all completely plausible, given my age and the way I’ve been living for the last few years. Let’s just say that health hasn’t been top of my agenda.

On top of that, I actually had to look at my legs and feet – I think November was the last time! Let’s just say they’re old beyond my years. I also don’t think I’ve actually looked in the mirror properly for some time longer than that– hope my face is holding up better, but somehow I don’t think so.

Fear has propelled me to the supermarket, a trip I’ve been putting off for quite some time (hence a diet of oven chips and beans which are the most reasonably priced things in the local corner shop) where I have stocked up on fresh food, and I have come home and actually cooked some of it. This has led to wet fish moment number 2 of the day, which is if I can do it today, when I am just as tired, stressed and depressed as usual, all the reasons I usually give myself for not leading a healthier lifestyle (as well as sorting out all the other stuff mentioned earlier in this poor excuse for a diary) are a bit rubbish. I’ve just got lazy, or undisciplined, or more likely, lazy and undisciplined.

Anyway, the point is that the fear is still with me and I’ve really got to start to do something now. I’m trying not to make any sweeping pledges here as I don’t have a particularly good track record at maintaining them, but I really, really am going to have to do something.

hypno06

OK, don't make any sweeping pledges, or big targets. They don't work for you. That's fine.

Instead, pledge for each day at a time. In Reiki, we use statements that start "just for today........"

So say to yourself, "just for today........I will cook a healthy meal"

That's a whole lot easier than saying "I will cook healthily every day for the next year" or whatever.

And a day at a time is much more achievable than long term plans.

sparkleisshopping

Hi Polly, just read your diary and you seem to be doing really well in the face of adversity with your work and smoking but don't beat yourself up too much about it!

Can you knit? I cut down dramtically the number of cigs I smoke at home by knitting - you can't knit and smoke at the same time lol! I made a big patchwork blanket out of knitted squares while I was cutting down.

I'm sure you'll do well at eating a healthy meal tomorrow too - after a few days of eating fresh veg you'll start to feel loads better in your body and your mind I'm sure for putting healthy stuff inside you.