Being asked to childmind for free

Jet

A bit of background - I'm a single mum with an 11 year old son. Have always worked and always paid for childcare. Tax credits help with the cost of this, thank goodness, but some of the childcare is miles away and obviously that costs a fair bit in petrol. I have a few friends who if I was absolutely desperate, I would ask to help me out with childcare, ie. if the childminders I use are away on holiday or the car broke down or some such other emergency. I know I haven't asked anyone to look after my son unpaid in over 18 months and then it was only for 4 hours. I have purposely always worked in part time jobs / work from home jobs that have been flexible and school hours friendly so I've kept the childcare needs down as much as possible, but the school holidays are always a juggle. I feel I've made a lot of sacrifices to ensure I have kept working which benefits my son but also made sure I've had time to be with him and attend school events etc.

Now my son is off to secondary school and I'm looking forward to a little bit more freedom. He will have to look after himself for about 45 mins 3 days a week until I get in from work, but will have one whole day without working and one day which will fit in with school hours.

However, I have a friend who I am really starting to feel is making the friendship one sided. She has lots of family and critises people who use childcare - making derogatory comments about childminders she knows "I wouldn't leave my child with any of them", but then also critises anyone who leaves their child home alone. There are issues with our friendship anyway, and I'm starting to feel it's become quite one sided. She doesn't drive so I take us all out for the day (often at her request) and she doesn't offer petrol or parking money or equivalent any more. I have looked after her daughter in the mornings and taken her to school at least one day per week, often more, for 3 years, sometimes had her after school, she often wants to borrow things or ask for lifts and because I'm not that way inclined anyway, I feel it's all a bit "take, take, take". Her older daughter does babysit for me sometimes, but obviously I pay her for that. My friends disposable income is a lot higher than mine, I do know her incomings and outgoings.

Anyway, friend has now decided she is going back to work full time, and quoted to me how much better off financially she will be, and her daughter (10 years old) asked her, in front of me, who was going to look after her while she is at work, Mum shuffled uncomfortably and told her she "would sort something out". Now she already has people looking after her daughter 3 days a week before and after school. (Friend currently works 2 days per week). So she will be looking for someone on the other two days and I know she is going to ask me at least one day, and I don't want to do it. I don't expect it from her and pay out hundreds of pounds in childcare, she's never offered to have my son one day a week on the holidays for example. The school now has a before and after school club, so it's not as if there aren't alternatives.

Am I being mean? I'm sure she will make out I am being so. :rolleyes:

Any

If you don't want to do it, don't do it.

TBH why are you still friend with her? I think she takes you for granted.

Say something like that you don't feel comfortable having absolute responsibility to look after her daughter every week at the same time as you will be unable to make any plans.

Jet

Yes, that's what I plan to say. I don't think I have been assertive enough in the past, but plan on starting now! :-)

pelirocco

No you arent being mean , she is using you and a true friend wouldnt do that

Jet

I think some people just get so used to having people running around after them, doing things for free (ex father in law cuts her lawn, eldest daughter does housework, father buys new household appliances, constant babysitters on tap etc. etc) that they just expect it from other people too without being prepared to give it back.

teacherandmum

if szhe was thinking that you'd do it for free, just turn it on its head and say ' i'm sure after school club at £4 an hour would be cheaper than the £10 an hour i charge!!!'

welshmoneylover

My sister is like that, always expecting me to have her boy yet she's never had mine nor made us feel welcome in her house.

My solution was not to childmind for her anymore, fell out over it though but I'm glad I stuck to my guns.

Sagaris

Put your foot down now, from the start - don't even do it once, thinking you are being kind and doing her a favour - been there, done that! You are not being selfish, but your 'friend' has been taking advantage of you for a long time.....time for her to find someone else to bail her out, I think!

Jet

I always try and have the attitude that I will help because "I never know when I might need help". But as the years go by I realise that I very rarely need help and yet seem to help her quite a lot. I suppose I'm a bit scared that when I might ask her for a favour, she won't help me, but how often is that? And will be a lot less now my son is getting older.

Chinkle

Just say "no" - seems she's quite happy to palm her kids off on to others when she needs to, just doesn't want to pay for it.

Doesn't sounds much like a friend to me.

galvanizersbaby

Jet wrote: »

I think some people just get so used to having people running around after them, doing things for free (ex father in law cuts her lawn, eldest daughter does housework, father buys new household appliances, constant babysitters on tap etc. etc) that they just expect it from other people too without being prepared to give it back.

I think your right Jet - probably hasn't entered her head that she will have to pay for childcare

Stick to your guns - make it clear from the outset