Partners Ex Wife - jealousy?

welshmoneylover

borokat wrote: »

I don't get how the sons are teenagers if the marriage ended 19 years ago?

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Nitha

My OH's ex wife also tried to do the 'friends' thing. Only problem was it wasn't friends it was marriage without the good stuff. So basically a continuation of their marriage. She even wanted him to buy her a mother's day present (despite living with another man).

I think me having a baby got the message through!

fernliebee

I do think it sounds like you are jealous, I think all the things you state in the OP sound more like a woman who is friendly with her ex and so asks favours rather than a woman hellbent on getting her ex back. The borrowing of tools etc is a bit petty on your part IMO especially as it is her son's who are doing the work with their dads tools- nothing really to concern you IMO.

The borrowing the car does sound a bit cheeky but if it is for things for the kids, or would mean the kids could see her more then it is in their best interests. Also bear in mind that it is in their best interests for their parents to get along well, and I'm sure they would be upset if their dad would refuse her a simple favour purely because you didn't like it, as long as she respects this ie put's petrol in the car, keeps it clean etc. If she doesn't do this then maybe that could be raised as an issue rather than the actual loan IYSWIM.

The being in the house thing doesn't strike me as that odd. Were the boys in? was she waiting for them to come back? had they let her in?

It sounds to me as though they have been very mature and come to a place where they can be friends. They share an important role of raising their children and it is lovely to hear of people who can do this amicably. It may not be the norm, but it is the ideal. TBH if they wanted to be together they would be, and the fact that they can remain friends suggests that there is no 'unfinished' business on either side. I think you need to get over your issues and accept that she will be around and part of your life. It may be hard but she was part of his life long before you and for your own sake you need to get used to this. By doing this you will also get the best from his son's rather than them feeling you are picking fights between their parents.

Glen0000

This exes can be friends thing is a bit wierd to me. If you can be friends with your ex why not give it another go, especially with kids involved?

Good marriages are based on friendship surely?

None of the people I know are that friendly with the exes. Civil, yes, but going round hsoues, doing favours?

welshmoneylover

Glen0000 wrote: »

None of the people I know are that friendly with the exes. Civil, yes, but going round hsoues, doing favours?

No, me neither. That's why I started to wonder whether I had a problem or not.

galvanizersbaby

Glen0000 wrote: »

This exes can be friends thing is a bit wierd to me. If you can be friends with your ex why not give it another go, especially with kids involved?

Good marriages are based on friendship surely?

None of the people I know are that friendly with the exes. Civil, yes, but going round hsoues, doing favours?

Yes but good marriages are not usually based on friendship alone (though I'm sure there are lasting marriages like that) - just because you are no longer in love with someone it doesn't mean to say that you have to hate them as a person?

It seems to me as though friendships between exes are only really a problem for new partners which is something in my opinion that needs to be carefully managed to ensure that they know that they come first. In this case OP clearly has her doubts.

galvanizersbaby

welshmoneylover wrote: »

No, me neither. That's why I started to wonder whether I had a problem or not.

In fact, my OH is not fussy on her at all, I just feel sometimes her 'needs' are more important than mine as far as he is concerned.

Maybe it is me.

I think OP from what you have said your OH clearly doesn't make you feel as though you are his priority which is a problem for you and I don't think he is being fair.

I think it is not as straightforward whether he lets the ex in to the house or lending her a spanner - I think it's a case of your OH making sure that you know you are his priority - the fact you are posting and feeling that sometimes her needs come before yours indicates that this isn't happening.
I think that your OH is your problem not his ex

I hope you get it sorted

newcook

usually the threads over here are about how spiteful the ex is or what a bad dad the bloke is etc but this thread is a breath of fresh air (apart from you being jealous).
they split up 19 years ago and still get on fantastically - from what you have said he is a wonderful man who is good friends with his ex. I dont see why you have a problem with her or why you wont go in his house if she is there - its not as if they split up recently. it was loooong before you 2 got together!
for all you know you might find a good friend in her yourself if you wanted.

welshmoneylover

newcook wrote: »

for all you know you might find a good friend in her yourself if you wanted.

I don't think so, lol,

alfiesmum

As your initial question was about jealousy, I think that yeah, I'm afraid you do come across as very jealous. Most people have had past relationships and you have to deal with that. They sound very grown up about their current situation, and I think that you don't fit in. You don't live with him, but feel that you have the right to dictate who goes to his house? If this thread were posted by the bloke, everyone would be saying "she's a bunny boiler...get out!"
I think you were right to say you'll be moving on, it doesn't sound healthy for you to be so obsessed. There's plenty blokes out there. Find one that's just right for you. He'll be all yours, no kids or exs to worry about. If you're happy in yourself, and have confidence, then you probably wouldn't worry about things that don't really concern you. That's not meant to sound like I'm having a go. When it's written down, it seems that way, but I honestly wish you all the best.
alfiesmum
xx