Partners Ex Wife - jealousy?

welshmoneylover

Hi

ta v much

maggied_2

It all depends on what arrangement they've had in the past - if it's been amicable and what works for them then it's going to be difficult for you to change things.

However I would not be happy about her letting herself into the house!! However as you don't live there, and her children do it's going to be very tricky.

When I first started seeing OH his ex still saw him as 'hers' because they had a child together. Constantly calling (and I mean many, many times a day), popping round to the house whenever she wanted (hell of a way to have a night in together spoiled!). I did put a stop to all that, not by being jealous (although I was veeeeeery unconfortable with it) but by saying I didn't see how we could have a successful relationship with his ex hanging around so much. (before any first wives have a go at me she was, and still is, madly in love with him and thought by staying in the picture she would eventually split us up). He did see that she was using any excuse to get in touch or come round, always using his DD as an excuse...over time this has stopped - mainly due to me putting my foot down.

Does the ex have an agenda, is she a nice person, do the two of you get on together? It may be that they've all just become comfortable with the situation and don't see anything wrong with it.

I really feel for you - I wouldn't be happy about this at all. It's a difficult one (and I may get shot down for this) but there does seem to be a train of thought with *some* people that once you've had a child with someone that you're not allowed to move on and are for evermore answerable to that person.

Are you planning on moving in together? If you are that would be a very good timeto set down some ground rules!

SandC

Did she go round as much and generally want as much doing for her when she was married or has this been since she has been on her own again? If so, then I would ask him to make sure it is toned down and make him aware that he's essentially being used. Although how you can say that to him and have him not think you are definitely just jealous is a tricky one!

I think the best way to get him to see where you are coming from is to ask him to think about how he would feel if your ex was doing the same thing - turning up at your house etc. Would that make him feel uncomfortable? I'm pretty sure it would.

galvanizersbaby

maggied wrote: »

It all depends on what arrangement they've had in the past - if it's been amicable and what works for them then it's going to be difficult for you to change things.

However I would not be happy about her letting herself into the house!! However as you don't live there, and her children do it's going to be very tricky.

When I first started seeing OH his ex still saw him as 'hers' because they had a child together. Constantly calling (and I mean many, many times a day), popping round to the house whenever she wanted (hell of a way to have a night in together spoiled!). I did put a stop to all that, not by being jealous (although I was veeeeeery unconfortable with it) but by saying I didn't see how we could have a successful relationship with his ex hanging around so much. (before any first wives have a go at me she was, and still is, madly in love with him and thought by staying in the picture she would eventually split us up). He did see that she was using any excuse to get in touch or come round, always using his DD as an excuse...over time this has stopped - mainly due to me putting my foot down.

Does the ex have an agenda, is she a nice person, do the two of you get on together? It may be that they've all just become comfortable with the situation and don't see anything wrong with it.

I really feel for you - I wouldn't be happy about this at all. It's a difficult one (and I may get shot down for this) but there does seem to be a train of thought with *some* people that once you've had a child with someone that you're not allowed to move on and are for evermore answerable to that person.

Are you planning on moving in together? If you are that would be a very good timeto set down some ground rules!

I don't agree that you are not allowed to move on and are answerable to that person forever but because you took the decision to have a child together you are always going to have that common interest in their welfare and I think it is nice to be able to be amicable in that sense (though I realise sadly this isn't always the case)

OP - I do sympathise - I can see how you must be feeling but I guess you have to make your feelings known (strongly enough) and see if your partner is willing to take them in to account - as the poster above suggests if you have plans to move in together then you can't have the situation as it currently stands at the moment.

Myself and my ex husband are amicable but we don't let ourself in to each others houses! - I think that is a bit much but if your OH is happy with that then I'm not sure what you can do to change it

maggied_2

Maybe I should have phrased that better....I don't believe you should be at someone's beck and call because you had a child together, especially when the child is being using as emotional currency IYSWIM.
In my case it wasn't exactly a joint decision to become parents (not that OH regrets it for a second obviously and obv I know it takes two and all that....but only one to stop taking the pill behind the other's back!!!) but I think it's a bit rich when someone stands by you (not even knowing if they are the father.....oh it's a complicated one this!!) and then you think that gives you the right to pester them, sabotage every relationship they have and harrass them for thr rest of their lives. That is all

Anyway back to you OP! Agree with SandC - I made that point with my OH (kindly emphasised by my XH calling one day) about if the tables were turned how comfortable would he feel if it was an ex of yours...I would guess at *not very*.

The fact is you are his partner now and it does matter what you think - however if you push him into something he feels uncomfortable with it will put your relationship under s strain and he may end up just trying to keep things secret so as *not to upset you* - I speak from experience!!

The house thing - absolutely not ok.....the car? You can work on that. Tools etc...let it go.
It's not clear whether she's doing it to be vindictive, to make her presence known or just because that's how they've always done things. Just remember - it's you he's with now and that's more important than someone borrowing your strimmer

smartpicture

Just to give a different perspective, my ex has keys to my house & lets himself in any time he wants (although he doesn't abuse this), because it's more convenient for both of us that way as he is still a big part of our kids lives. I lived with someone else for 4 years, and my new partner never had a problem with this because he knew that if my ex & I wanted to be together there was nothing to stop us, but we clearly didn't want to. That doesn't stop us being good friends and working together in the best interests of our children though. I think of my ex as part of my extended family (in fact, he sees more of my mum than I do as he has no family of his own around here).

I know that some ex-es still harbour feelings and would like to damage the new relationship, and of course if that is what is going on, then you have to put a stop to it. But it doesn't sound like that's going on here and the issues you describe don't sound that bad to me.

His sons borrow his tools to help their mum out? So really, what is wrong with that? Are you saying you want to ban his sons from borrowing his tools in case they use them to help their mum, because if so that does sound jealous & insecure to me. Lending his car affects you how exactly? I've lent my car to my ex before, in the same way that I did when my brother-in-law asked to borrow it. And it sounds like she's only been in his house alone once, presumably with a valid reason for doing so, which your ex didn't have a problem with.

If you think she's after your partner again, then yes, do something about it. But if that's not the case, and your ex has no problem with it, and you just can't stand the thought of them being friendly, then maybe the problem is your jealousy. Not trying to be horrid, just trying to show a different perspective and that in some families ex-es can be a happy, integrated part of the extended family without it being a problem for anyone.

Pee

Are you jealous? Probably, and there is nothing wrong with a certain amount of jealousy.

She may well be intending to make life as difficult for you as possible, whether or not she wants him back.

Of course he is going to lend his teenage sons tools to work on her house - he's probably pleased that he doesn't have to do it. Of course he will lend her the car if he can, he sounds to me like a nice man who will help rather than hinder - the sort of man you want to be going out with, of course.

How would you feel if this woman was his sister? Would you still mind then?

TotallyBroke

Totally agree with the others here. You are showing signs of jealousy and the fact that the children are older they will spot this straight away.
You say that he came home from work to find her sitting there. What you don't say is whether one of the children was there as well. It is the home of the children as well and I presume that as they live there and are adults they can invite who they like into the house just as their Dad can invite you.
Keep showing the jealousy card and his children may tell him that they do not like you because of the way you behave. Then what are you going to do...make him choose them or you?

red_devil

Ask him how we would like it if the boot was on the other foot. I suspect he would not!

I think its ok to be on good terms but people should move on and i think its wrong she was in his living room! Yes a cheek I agree!

Also if he know it upsets you he shouldnt do it. People are selfish. Why dosent he think of you?

liney

So effectively you are telling the boys they shouldn't have their mum to visit?

You are on very shakey ground. Of course you are jelous.

red_devil

so would he be the only thing is to turn it round on him see what he would like if boot was on the other foot!