son moved out , now coming back !!!

doelani

My 20 yo son moved out offically about 4 weeks ago, he has not acually stayed here for probally 2 months or more. he has been living with his girlfriend.

yesterday after another " now are you sure you will not be coming back "conversation we finsihed clearing his room , made he take the last of his clothes to his girlfriends and took his bed to the dump. We moved beds around, who shares at the minute inot his room , got orginised so none of teh stepkids have to share rooms and now tonight he rings to say " I am moving back !!!"

Will not go into the reasons but I am so mad :mad: Now have to go out tomorrow and buy another bed, money I do not have and will have to come out of my emergency fund. Also have to reorginsied bedrooms again. I have told him he cannot keep coming and going and do not wnat to go throught his again in a few weeks.

I think he should get a place of his own, he can afford it as he works and hec an get a place a few minutes form me so that if he needs anythign he can come here.

House has been so clean, my electricty usage has gone down, he works a really dirty job and had my hall and stairs filthy with dirty work clothes , even though he was supposed to take dirty coat at boots off at door he never did and we have just ahd it redecorated last week.

am I too harsh expecting him to get his own place?

Blackpool_Saver

Why are you asking us? what do YOU want to do, I know i would have my son back, life is very short.

lufcgirl

I know I'm probably in the minority here but...

I'm 25 and moved out once (last year) to move into my own place with OH. I earn a good wage, but my parents, even though they have little money and a small house (plus a 17 year old who eats them out of house and home) have always made it clear I was welcome back whenever I chose.

For one reason or another I broke up with OH after a few months and was so pleased I had the support of my parents and a home to go to. For me, finding my own place even now is completely daunting.
My sister is 23 and owns her own house but still comes home every Sunday and Wednesday!

I just feel like even though he's messed you around, he's still your son and you should be there for him regardless. If you start resenting him for this then you'll push him away more and more...he still needs you regardless of his age!

BeenieCat

Why are you buying a bed? Make him buy it! You said he's working...

Also charge him board, make it reasonable for what he's earning though.

debtfreein4years

try freecycle for a bed and if you cant get one make him buy it.

charge him board comparable to what he would be paying in a shared house and that will give him some incentive to move out as i bet he would rather pay say £300 a month on his own place with his own rules than giving it to you and having to live by your rules.

i moved out and i knew it was permanent as the day after i had moved out my parents had emptied my bedroom, sold my bed and desk and started redecorating (what a way to make you feel welcome!). despite all that I knew that no matter what i could go back home and even after moving down to england to live with my oh i know that if anything did go wrong then they would have no hesitation about having me back.

i think you seem more annoyed because you had repeatedly asked him if he was moving out for good and now he has changed the plan when you have just got everyone sorted.

BobbyLove01

BeenieCat wrote: »

Why are you buying a bed? Make him buy it! You said he's working...

Also charge him board, make it reasonable for what he's earning though.

I have to agree with BeenieCat
I started paying my mum the day I left school till the day I left.
Maybe If you stopped bending over backwards and made it easy for him to 'live on the fence' then he might have started to carve out his own independence by now.

fernliebee

I think other posters are right in some ways, and I'm sure you feel the same, if he needs to come home you don't mind him being there and supporting him. Just seems as if it's the constant mind changing that is the prob, especially as you have a large family so it's not fair on the others making them swap around etc. Could you not make him share with a brother to prove your point, and not give him his own room back! I was always welcome home at any time, but my mum would have expected me to give her some notice, and I didn't have my room 'saved' for me, it was used as it was their house.

I also second getting him to buy his own bed (or free cycle?) and making him pay rent/ help out with chores. If your doing all his washing etc course he won't want to move out! re: the dirty work clothes, you should enforce this rule and if he isn't listening then he need's to get the sugar soap out each weekend and clean up his mess, he is 20 not 5! Good luck with it all, I know you wouldn't want him to feel unwelcome at home, just want him to take responsibility and make a decision and stick to it!

doelani

thanks for replies.

My son knows I am here for him , I just do not want him messing us about and coming back then in a week going again. I have other kids to consider.

Like I said he has not stayed here for a few months, he has not paid housekeeping in that time but still came a few times a week, even if I was not here , to eat lol That will never stop.

I will do all I can to help him get a place of his own. I do not resent him just a bit p****d of at him as even yesterday he was asked was he sure he wanted to move out. I did not give him room away or get rid of his stuff right away but how long is long enough to give him to decide and keep his room for him while others have to share?

I know I have probally comea cross as heartless but I am not really.

looktothefuture

I lived with my mom until I was 25 and it drove me insane! Don't get me wrong, I love my mother to bits but when you start arguing over how to hang the washed socks correctly... you know it's time to get out... and quick! :rotfl:

I've never looked back after I moved out! BUT I know that if I called up my mom and said "mom, I'm moving home... this isn't working!", she'd not even hesitate to say yes! ( and then she'd do this! :eek:) But it wouldn't be an easy option to "go home"!

I started contributing toward the household when I got my first permanent job! And Mom didn't let me off lightly... I had to pay 1/ 3 of everything, including the rent on a rather large 4 bedroom house!

If you ask your son to contribute his fair share of all the bills, including the rent, he'll soon learn that Mom and Dad aren't pushovers!

And if he does move back, you need to make your feelings of him ultimatly moving out for good known!

gill_81uk

Why are you buying a bed? Make him buy it! You said he's working...

that's the first thing I thought when I read your post!

Be there for him to support him but if he can afford it then you shouldn't be out of pocket!

Zazen999

doelani wrote: »

thanks for replies.

My son knows I am here for him , I just do not want him messing us about and coming back then in a week going again. I have other kids to consider.

Like I said he has not stayed here for a few months, he has not paid housekeeping in that time but still came a few times a week, even if I was not here , to eat lol That will never stop.

I will do all I can to help him get a place of his own. I do not resent him just a bit p****d of at him as even yesterday he was asked was he sure he wanted to move out. I did not give him room away or get rid of his stuff right away but how long is long enough to give him to decide and keep his room for him while others have to share?

I know I have probally comea cross as heartless but I am not really.

Before you go out and buy another bed and rearrange everything.....are you sure he is coming home for a significant enough time to make it worth your while? Can't he have the sofa until he gets a place of his own?