How ironic can it get?

Frustratedmother

Hi folks

I posted about a month ago in the families and relationships forum about problems I was having with my teenage son. I had reached the end of my tether with him and was on the way to another nervous breakdown - I had one after my ex and I split up. The upshot is that he has persuaded his dad and his partner to let him live with them for a while. It would be attractive to any teenager - there are no rules there - smoking is tolerated even in front of them in the house and there are no coming home times or bedtimes etc.

Now, for the 15 years we have been apart my ex has only worked cash in hand and claimed means tested benefits meaning he never paid any maintenance. For a few years at the beginning I got the minimum deduction from benefits but to be honest it took too much energy to keep the CSA collecting it from him - every time there was a change in his claim it stopped and I had to fight with them to get it started again. I eventually gave up as the effort required was too great for the amount received.

He is now living with his partner who works full time and still claiming benefits meaning he will get the maximum tax credits as well as child benefit but I am also likely to be asked to pay by the CSA. I have a reasonable income but have quite a large credit card debt (run up on esentials, not luxuries), car loan and a big mortgage. From what I can read the CSA won't take any of this into account and I am likely to be asked to pay £40 a week or so. I simply can't afford this if I am still to eat and put petrol in the car to let me work.

It really grates that the system let him get away with paying nothing for 15 years and yet I will have no choice because I am employed in the public sector. He smokes and drinks while I can't afford more than a bottle of wine or 2 a month. :mad:

This must sound selfish. I know he is my child and I have responsibilities but to be honest it is his dad's fault that our relationship has broken down in this way. I could reduce my outgoings by selling up and buying a smaller place nearer work but that will take time. The credit card debt is going to take a long time to clear so no quick fix there.

I can also report my ex for benefit fraud but that would only be revenge, not a solution. I have long since stopped caring what his scams were and resigned myself to the fact that he wouldn't help.

Any thoughts?

PasturesNew

But you'll save some of that £40 in not having to feed, clothe, provide for a 15 year old growing boy I'm guessing. And you won't have to wash/tidy/clean up behind him, or do his washing, etc.

Well worth it.

enemes

It must feel like a slap in your face. However, presumably, your son is old enough to make his own choices now, and no court order would be able to change things.

A child who has been brought up with order and routine in its life, might find the chaos of your ex's home quite enticing. But, I reckon the novelty would wear off sooner than later and he'll be back.

With your son off your hands for a few weeks, I would use that time to re-energise and start chasing the CSA for all the monies that you are due from your ex over the years. You might find that he may be frightened to go to the CSA to make a claim off you.

Be strong, and be positive. You know that you have done your best for your son over the years, and although you have your differences just now, I am sure your son will see for himself this, now that he is in a position to make informed choices on the basis of seeing that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side.

PlayingHardball

I agree with the above post, was the CSA case closed at any point, do you know?

Frustratedmother

Thanks folks.

I have never been told that the case was closed but I last received a payment from them nearly 10 years ago.

Will they consider he owes me anything if he has been on benefits ever since? I cannot prove that he has worked as he is a painter and decorator, cash in hand. He borrows my pasting table when he is asked to wallpaper. I think he now has a disability premium so wouldn't even be liable for the minimum deduction as far as I know.

So if they approach me for maintenance now, can I tell them to take it from the arrears I am owed?

shell_542

Frustratedmother wrote: »

Thanks folks.

I have never been told that the case was closed but I last received a payment from them nearly 10 years ago.

Will they consider he owes me anything if he has been on benefits ever since? I cannot prove that he has worked as he is a painter and decorator, cash in hand. He borrows my pasting table when he is asked to wallpaper. I think he now has a disability premium so wouldn't even be liable for the minimum deduction as far as I know.

So if they approach me for maintenance now, can I tell them to take it from the arrears I am owed?

If there's no way of proving he has been working cash in hand, then there will be no arrears.

If he approaches the CSA for child support then you will be made to pay it, even if you can't afford it. They don't care unfortunately.

Frustratedmother

shell_542 wrote: »

If there's no way of proving he has been working cash in hand, then there will be no arrears.

If he approaches the CSA for child support then you will be made to pay it, even if you can't afford it. They don't care unfortunately.

That is what I suspected.

PlayingHardball

I'd check it out with CSA anyway, I thought even on benefits you'd be entitled to £5 per week of that? I'm not knowledgeable in the benefits side of things but I've read others on here who say this is so, check it out. If case was never closed (you need to ask the CSA if if was), then take it from there.

Frustratedmother

The more I think about it the more I'm inclined to do absolutely nothing unless the CSA contact me.

I seriously doubt my ex will risk exposing himself to a fraud investigation regarding his living together situation which is what will happen should I be contacted.

If I were to contact CSA first about any (very unlikely) arrears then I could preempt an assessment in his favour so I'm leaving it.

Can anyone tell me whether liability would stop from the September after my son leaves school? If so, that is in a few weeks anyway.

Caz3121

the liability continues if the child is still in education (not degree level) so maps the child benefit - if child benefit is still paid then maintenance is due also

LizzieS_2

Frustratedmother wrote: »

I cannot prove that he has worked as he is a painter and decorator, cash in hand. He borrows my pasting table when he is asked to wallpaper.

So you were willing to pay taxes towards what you say are his falsely claimed means tested benefits, yet object to paying for your own child.

Frustratedmother wrote: »

I seriously doubt my ex will risk exposing himself to a fraud investigation regarding his living together situation which is what will happen should I be contacted.

From your first quote, it appears you are party to the fraud in a small way.

If some-one is committing benefit fraud, you should report them anyway not wait to use it as a revenge attack.