Taking control of my life

Ames

I've been thinking about what you said. I really don't like the idea of my sister making something so nasty up, but she did it about my parents being about to cut me off. Right now though, this is the sort of thing that I just can't trust myself to make decisions about, so I'm going to talk to my mental health people about it. At the least they'll be able to tell me what went on with the mental illness diagnoses back then, if the BPD was diagnosed as being because of my sister. I really want to phone mum up and have it out with her, not just about what happened back then but about recent stuff. Apparantly she told my sister last year that she had to move to Leeds to 'sort me out' because she was doing so well and I wasn't. But she told me that she wanted me to help sort out sister! She is always playing us off against each other though. But even if she was acting on orders to sort my life out, that doesn't excuse her doing it in such a cack handed way. But I don't want to jump in, I need to figure out what to say and stuff - again, something I need to talk through with the psychs.

And sister now apparantly has swine flu and needs me to do her shopping for her. No chance, I'm not well enough to leave the house right now, and she's got a housemate who I'm sure could do it for her. Plus I have a weak immune system which leaves me very prone to infection - I don't really want to risk catching it if she does have it.

I did have some good news today though, I got a letter from social services about my complaint and it said I'll have a written reply by the 15th September. I thought it'd take months, so a couple of weeks is a real bonus.

redsquirrel80

Just popping in to send a quick hug.. sorry you had such a cr*ppy weekend, but you seem to be dealing with what your sister said in a really calm, logical way - wanting to talk to the right people etc. I hope you can get to the bottom of it all.

Good news about the progress on your complaint.

Ames

Thanks Squizz. I think it was that first CBT session to be honest, before that I'd have sunk into guilt and feeling really awful. But I was able to take a step back. Assuming it's all true, did I wrong her? No. She was wronged, but not by me, as I certainly wasn't consciously attention seeking etc. It's the doctors etc who are to blame, not me. If.

ZTD

Ames wrote: »

I've been thinking about what you said. I really don't like the idea of my sister making something so nasty up, but she did it about my parents being about to cut me off.

Doing something when you've done it previously is far easier than doing it for the first time. That goes for the bad as well as the good.

Ames wrote: »

Right now though, this is the sort of thing that I just can't trust myself to make decisions about, so I'm going to talk to my mental health people about it.

There is no need to make decisions yet - just do your reconnaisence.

Ames wrote: »

At the least they'll be able to tell me what went on with the mental illness diagnoses back then, if the BPD was diagnosed as being because of my sister.

She might be a PITA, but she's not that bad...

Ames wrote: »

I really want to phone mum up and have it out with her, not just about what happened back then but about recent stuff. Apparantly she told my sister last year that she had to move to Leeds to 'sort me out' because she was doing so well and I wasn't.

"Apparently" being a codeword for "my sister said"?

Ames wrote: »

But she told me that she wanted me to help sort out sister! She is always playing us off against each other though.

Which is something you have to be careful of.

Ames wrote: »

But even if she was acting on orders to sort my life out, that doesn't excuse her doing it in such a cack handed way. But I don't want to jump in, I need to figure out what to say and stuff - again, something I need to talk through with the psychs.

Reconnaisence before strike...

Ames wrote: »

And sister now apparantly has swine flu

Of course she has. :rolleyes: When was the last time you saw her? A few days ago? You have what she has, and vice-versa.

Ames wrote: »

and needs me to do her shopping for her. No chance, I'm not well enough to leave the house right now, and she's got a housemate who I'm sure could do it for her. Plus I have a weak immune system which leaves me very prone to infection - I don't really want to risk catching it if she does have it.

I did have some good news today though, I got a letter from social services about my complaint and it said I'll have a written reply by the 15th September. I thought it'd take months, so a couple of weeks is a real bonus.

That is good news.

Ames

Reconaissance it is! Just hope I get an appointment through soon.

Yes, 'apparantly' is code word for 'sister says'. At least I'm learning and not just taking it as gospel though.

I don't think she's got swine flu, she's managed to go on tesco online and work out a shopping list for me to go get her tomorrow while I'm in town, and keep texting me. As you say, I'd be coming down with it now since I last saw her late sunday night, but I've just got a common cold. I've got to go pick up her tamiflu tomorrow, why she's got it I don't know - she's self diagnosed, and she's healthy, young and not working - so it's not the end of the world for her to be ill for a day longer. But, they've agreed to it so maybe I'm being too harsh and she really does have it.

It is good that my complaint's going to be dealt with so soon, but ex has pointed out that I'm pinning my hopes on it too much. I need to think of a plan B if they still don't give me any help, I just can't think of anything though.

Oh and I forgot to say, I weighed myself yesterday and even though I've been comfort eating like mad I've lost 4lbs. Not as much I as I should have lost in a month, but at least it's going the right way.

ZTD

Ames wrote: »

I don't think she's got swine flu, she's managed to go on tesco online and work out a shopping list for me to go get her tomorrow while I'm in town, and keep texting me. As you say, I'd be coming down with it now since I last saw her late sunday night, but I've just got a common cold. I've got to go pick up her tamiflu tomorrow, why she's got it I don't know - she's self diagnosed, and she's healthy, young and not working - so it's not the end of the world for her to be ill for a day longer. But, they've agreed to it so maybe I'm being too harsh and she really does have it.

Naah - they've been handing tamiflu out from "diagnoses" over the phone. If a 16 year old reading from a script can tell with any degree of accuracy what kind of virus you've got - or indeed whether you have a virus - we should dispense with doctors.

However they can't, and some people have been dying of menigitis as a result.

Ames wrote: »

It is good that my complaint's going to be dealt with so soon, but ex has pointed out that I'm pinning my hopes on it too much. I need to think of a plan B if they still don't give me any help, I just can't think of anything though.

What he actually meant to say was "You should have me move back in and sponge off you in the event the Social don't give you any help."

Ames wrote: »

Oh and I forgot to say, I weighed myself yesterday and even though I've been comfort eating like mad I've lost 4lbs. Not as much I as I should have lost in a month, but at least it's going the right way.

It is indeed. You just have to think of a substitute for comfort eating.

Ames

No, I think he's a lot happier now he's moved out, he's realised that it was for the best for both of us. He's moving on a lot, looking for a job and things. He really is concerned about how I'll cope/react if I can't get any help. He knows he's not moving back in whatever happens, and just thinks I need to ready myself for the worst.

I didn't know about people dying from meningitis, that's awful.

I know I need to find a substitute for comfort eating, but at the moment I'm struggling to think of anything. So instead, I'm substituting the actual food - instead of chocolate, packets of biscuits etc I'm eating angel delight (much lower calories/fat etc), or berries when I can get out to get them. A couple of punnets of blueberries makes me feel a lot better than a big bar of chocolate, and it's healthier.

Ames

Well, today's been quite productive.

I was supposed to have blood tests done for the ME clinic but I cancelled. I'm full of cold and since these are repeat tests because there was a problem last time I didn't want them to be affected. I think the 'problem' was my raised white blood cell count, which I've had for years and is a symptom of my immune problem. This could well scupper the referral though, as if they dig they'll realise that their doctor is also my consultant immunologist and so wont see me on two lists. But I was desperate and asked for the referral so that I had medical backup when my sister tried to 'cure' me with her mantra of exercise and doing more, pushing through pain and fatigue, being the best thing for ME. And social services kept going on about how the ME clinic will change my life and being a reason for not helping me, so trying to get there jumps through a few hoops there.

I then went and opened an ISA. I'm going to save up for full and finals, and for a masters, and for decorating after the rewire. I just have to stick to my budget though, which is easier said than done, especially since I have to pull back the £300 overspend at Leeds festival. I've worked out how to do it though, I just need self discipline.

The guy in the bank tried to sell me contents insurance. The quote was actually about a third of what I've found online, it was £14 a month for £50k worth of cover. When I'm sure I'm settled with my budget I'll take it out I think.

Then bought sister's shopping and got her tamiflu. I must be a mug, I'm having to get my own heavy shopping delivered, but then go and buy hers which was all cartons of juice, big bottles of milk, tins, and potatoes. When she asked me to get a few things I thought she meant bread and a small bottle of milk!

Then Ex came round and did some tidying, we've rearranged the kitchen so I can get to things easier, not having to lift cans from bottom shelves etc. And at £6 an hour he's cheaper than the cleaning company. So when all the tidying's done I can get them in.

Now I have a debt confession to make. Last year two of my debts were sold on and I didn't know who to pay, and couldn't face trying to sort it out. So I've not paid anything to them since. And the third debt ex used to pay the £1 to, but I asked him today and he hasn't done it for about a year. So none of them have been paid for a year, and none of them have been chasing. I realised when I started going through all my paperwork a few weeks ago that I've not heard anything about any debts for about a year now. I'm not going to rock the boat, just try and save for full and finals for when they remember me. I'm not sure how much to save though, after 3 years of token payments, being on benefits, and two of the three being at bottom end DCA's I was thinking of about 30%. I don't know if that's too low though? There's also the CCA route, when barclaycard catch up (or whoever buys that debt) I doubt there'd be one. I doubt I can reclaim charges if they don't own it anymore, that'd reduce it by a fair bit.

Nearly forgot. Ex is now threatening to 'report' me if the flat isn't better by xmas. God knows what he thinks he can achieve! Him and sister for the last year have been 'threatening' me that I'll end up in a home if I don't sort myself out. But if social services wont even pay for someone to help me with showering then they're not going to pay for a home for me! (Not to mention the fact that I would literally rather die than spend the next 40 years living in a home with no money, just daytime tv and a curfew!). He said that if social services wouldn't do anything he'd contact the housing department. Again, I don't know what he thinks they'll do - if they don't do anything about junkies living in a flat with sharps all over the place they're not going to be bothered about my place being messy! Besides, if it was a problem then enough contractors and workmen/women have been in that I'd have been thrown out by now. Ex has also been threatening to put me up for Kim and Aggie's Hoe Clean is Your House, which would be more practical, apart from that I'd lose my family because of the shame. Neither ex or sister seem to grasp that 'officially' there's nothing wrong with how I'm living. Or that it's not as simple as me 'sorting myself out'.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now!

GeorgeUK

Hope you're feeling a bit better Ames and not too wiped from the shopping trip.

30% may be about right, but it may be worth mentioning when making any offers that this low figure is taking into account unlawful penalty charges. It doesn't matter if the bank doesn't still have the debt - if you have paid the charges you should be able to reclaim them (any charges in the last 6 years).

You're quite right to leave the debts until they contact you. You've no real way of knowing who the debt is now with so it would be best to wait until they contact you.

Ames

I'm not too wiped out, I went for a coffee afterwards to rest up, then the car got blocked in so went for a cheap meal, so I don't have to waste energy cooking tonight.

I'll take your advice about mentioning the charges. I can do that for Barclaycard and Egg, but never got any charges on the OD. I think I'll try and save 40% (50 would be ideal, but that might be a bit unrealistic). I've got 16 months to save it in, since I want to be debt free by the time I'm 30. I'll count myself debt free when I've got enough saved to do a reasonable f&f even if they haven't contacted me by then (well, I can dream!). My debt's £3k (plus £400 to dad), so £100 a month should do it, plus anything else I can manage.