Please help - URGENT

My_Feet_Hurt

hi everyone
well its been a whole day since i wrote last.
i went to work with my husband-i am usually at home all day-the idea was some company and to be somewhere where i wouldnt want to cry-too embarassed. i went on this site when i was there and i started to cry.the things you wrote and the poems that you quoted....the story of the rainbow bridge i think will be with me forever(here come the tears again).lets hope it is just like that when we finally go and find out.

i miss her so terribly. i told my husband last night that i didnt feel as wretched as i thought i would-but that made me feel guilty as if i didnt care enough. i think in a way i was also glad that it was finally over.weve had 2 excellent years with her but the last 8 months have been worrying ones with her mouth problems and just the knowledge that she was getting on and slowing down.

this afternoon i began to panic that maybe i wasnt the last thing she saw and heard. i replayed the whole thing over and over, trying to decide if i was in her view when they gave her the injection-im sure she could hear me because the words just poured out and i couldnt shut up. i realise this is part of grieving-the anger,guilt,pain etc and i decided the only way i could live with it is that even if she COULDNT see me, she knew i was there and heard me so if her mum was there then everything must be ok and even if it hurt mum was there.hopefully she then left.i dread to think how long im going to feel this guilt-im over the guilt of actually having it done-it WAS for the best.i just hope she saw me.

i read back and id like to thank mutter. it was your post about `make a decision now-either have her put to sleep now or decide she can die whenever at home-maybe in pain`- that was the clincher. i read it at 2.15 yesterday and i stopped crying. i sat with tom and told her it would all be over soon. she was sat on me and purring and i just looked deep into her eyes. i felt like i looked into her soul. dont slate me for being weird/spooky/romantic or whatever-it was just a feeling of a weight being lifted for both of us.a feeling that it would be ok. and i actually think it IS ok.

im still crying and probably will for ages. theres still her cat bowls in the dishwasher and her litter tray to put away. all in good time.

sorry its a long `un but everything had to be said. yes she was fantastic.yes i did love her totally. yes i know she loved me.

i hope those of you who wrote that your furry friends had left, have had happy endings and you are now at the `remember nice things` stage that i hope to be at soon. i sincerely hope that the people who said the clock is ticking for their friends find answers to their decisions and dilemmas.

thank you to everyone who read and posted on here. i feel like i have some real friends here-i actually havent told my real life friends yet as i cant talk about her without crying and theyll all be sad too.

this is a wonderful site. thank you again.hopefully next time i post it will be about happier things.

m

xxx

lowis

aw...you cry as much as you need to, you have lost a member of your family. and don't feel guilty, you did everything right.

something you wrote reminded me of when i put Stormie to sleep. I too panicked that i wasn't the last thing she saw, as I was cradling her on her pillow, sort of from the side as my wonderful vet injected her. I actually called my vet up in tears a day or two later and asked him if she would have seen me! He reassured me that she would, but he also explained that due to the sedative she probably wasn't actually aware of what was going on, or taking any notice of anything around her...he said that my soothing voice, and my arms around her would have been more important than anything else..and i am sure this would have applied to Tom as well.

i still get a little teary sometimes when I think of her, but 95% of the time it is smiles and fond memories of my little angel.

i hope your smiles start to break through the tears soon.

xx

Buddingblonde

Can I suggest something that I found really helpful when I lost my cat Chester 3 years ago - I made a blue cross memorial page - I wrote my heart out and I still go there every now and again to think about him.

http://www.bluecross.org.uk/web/site/AboutUs/PetBereavement/PBSSIntro.asp

It has been a great comfort to me.

Ax