Daughter and an older "boyfriend"

Pee

Well done. I think you are handling this very calmly and rationally, and know it's harder when you are in the middle. I fell out with my parents when they banned me from seeing my 24 year old boyfriend when I was 16. We carried on seeing one another and split up naturally when I decided I didn't want to marry him. Since then I have never discussed relationships in any detail with my Mum, tried to avoid telling her if I was seeing someone and if so who quite easy as I have lots of male friends. It sounds like you have a great communication going on, and that is to be nutured.

If they do have sex once she is 16, she'll be an adult, there will be nothing you can do, and it will probably be a lot better experience being with someone a little bit older who cares about her rather than a one night stand when she gets to Uni, maybe.

I think you ought to make sure he knows her age. I have a friend who went to prison as his 21 year old girlfriend with a five year old son turned out to be about 13 with a five year old brother. She didn't look 21, but then she certainly didn't look under 16 either.

(In practise I think 15 and 23 means there wouldn't be a prison sentence, but she doesn't need to know that.)

milliemonster

TBH he sounds like a decent lad and I do feel sorry for lads of this age as how many 15 year old girls these days actually look underage?

I met my hubby when I was 15, he was 23 and was horrified when he found out my age (I looked 18) but hey, we were both responsible, got married when I was 24 and here we are, I am now 36 we are still married (have our problems at times like everyone tho!!) and have 2 fab kids, I never wanted to date boys my own age when I was 15 as they were all complete idiots to be honest who had raging hormones, I found older boys to be much more caring and considerate and yes you can use the argument 'well what does a 23yr old man want with a younger teenager', half the time tho the younger teenage girl doesn't look or act her age anyway.

My hubby was scared to death when he met my parents but they loved him and the relationship he has with my dad is like he is his own son. My mum actually said at the time when I told her how old he was that I was better off with an older man anyway as they treat you better

I am sure it will work out ok, better for her to be seeing someone who seems keen to look after her welfare and interests than be seeing some 15yr old 'd***head' who messes her about and breaks her heart.

I am also sure the reason she has lied to you up until now is because hse was obviously very scared of your reaction which is understandable

Reds-on-Sea

Peanuckle wrote: »

I'm still not happy with the idea of him coming up to visit her but at least she's accepted that if she goes in his car down to whereever he lives then they run the risk of the police locking him up and escorting her home (the thought of that scares her enough to make her not want to risk it).

Wow, is this true? Would that actually happen?

SugarSpun

I'd tackle the lying and the passworded phone first and get to the boyfriend later.

pinkshoes

Punish her for lying, give her the underage sex and use protection talk (with some horror STD statistics), then ask her to invite him round for dinner so you can meet him, as that way you will feel more comfortable about her dating an older guy.

durham_girl

Reds-on-Sea wrote: »

Wow, is this true? Would that actually happen?

I don't think so. Maybe if she was reported as missing, but not for just being with him.

maggie111

Haven't read the responses but just wanted to give you a quick "young person's" perspective.

Having met people online, in varying ways and gotten to know them it's a lot easier to see how a 23 yo boy would enjoy the company of a 15 yo girl. If they met in town or something I'd be a lot more suspicious but it's VERY easy to "fall in love" on the internet, with anybody of any age, or something you mean to be love, even though it really isn't.

I would be handling this a lot different knowing that he has met her, and driven her to his university. Firstly, said daughter would get the biggest b**locking for being so stupid as to get in his car with you having no idea. I'm sure you can think of suitable punishments for that, like confiscating her PC for a week.

Secondly, I would invite him up for a day, get to know him, and his intentions for your daughter. See how you feel about him then.

From the little I've read it all seems innocent enough, they're two young stupid puppies in love, where age doesn't matter. I'm sure if you let it play it's course, it'll end soon enough (once it moves from on line to real life!).

Peanuckle

SugarSpun wrote: »

I'd tackle the lying and the passworded phone first and get to the boyfriend later.

but the lying and the passworded phone are all to do with the boy, can't tackle the problem without dealing with the cause first

kr15snw

I know I was a bit older but I met my boyfriend when I was just 18 and he was 32. 4 years on and we're getting married!

I didnt tell my mum about it for months as I was scared, I then introduced him but didnt tell them his age for another few months. By the time they found out they loved him, lol.

I think your being an amazing mum, but you do need to tell her dad if she wants to be with him.

Then I agree with the others, meet him. But just the 4 of you. He could genuinly be a nice guy

SugarSpun

Peanuckle wrote: »

but the lying and the passworded phone are all to do with the boy, can't tackle the problem without dealing with the cause first

I don't see that - I'd assume that if the phone was password protected then the daughter was continuing to lie about something and the evidence was on her phone. So I'd confiscate it until she opened it for me to look at.

It's a breach of trust, but then getting into a car with a stranger when nobody knows where you are is such a flagrant breach of the trust her parents have in her that I'd be prepared to make it. And I wouldn't do it secretly. Her PC would already be in my possession and we'd be having a serious talk about not doing idiot things when your parents don't know about it, and then get into, OK, so tell me about this boy and be honest.

First things: lying and sneaking around are unacceptable. Next thing: a boy who's so much older, when she's so young, is severely dodgy but not worth flying off the handle over. I'd think it was incredibly important to separate "you lied to us" from "your boyfriend's unsuitable" to be sure that she didn't just hear "we hate your boyfriend and we want to ruin your life" rather than "we care about your safety and want you to be happy; what can we do so you're safe AND happy?"

Edit: my husband is 14 years older than me. We're incredibly happy, but if we'd met when I was 15?! Unlikely.