My new SOA - need motivation

Horace

£10 an hour does seem to be high for a cleaner though - I was thinking more the minimum wage, guess it depends on how long they will be there too.

judi24

No most cleaners charge £10 an hour plus!!!

Jesthar

Ames, how about a compromise on your sister (I know a lot has been said, but I have to agree she really IS taking the mick - your average person on the unemployment list doesn't expect to be eating scollops, let alone demand to!) - you still give her part of what you currently do, and if she wants extra she has to earn it by cleaning/doing other things for you. Which, I may add, she was supposed to be doing anyway - do your parents know she isnt honouring that agreement, btw?

So, most of us here know that your average person can manage very well on £15 a week for food - so give her that as a starting point. If she wants more, you can agree an appropriate wage for a hours worth of cleaning or other tasks - suggest you don't go higher than £10 an hour (try for five ), though, and make sure you stipulate that it must be to YOUR satisfaction - not hers.

If you still need to give her a reason, how about that as she was supposed to be helping you and she isn't, you need to pay someone else to do it for you, and it's only fair that comes out of the money you give her? Sounds fair to me!

And, yes, people can be absolute pains and kick up real stinks when they get their own way (I deal with a fair bit of that in my job!), but in the long run it's far easier to stand up to them and make them deal with reality than keep pandering to them at your expense, as you will always end up the loser in that scenario.

*hugs* Really hope you can get something sorted.

~Jes

Ames

Thanks for all the input people.

My parents don't really know about the agreement, they don't accept that I need help. My dad doesn't think that ME and mental health problems exist, and my mum thinks that even though I've got ME I can do anything I want. So they wouldn't understand me 'expecting' her to help me. My standing in the family is precarious enough as it is without alienating them through being 'mean' to my sister.

As for the cleaning and things, she's quite manipulative (I've only realised this through moaning on daily chat). She says that I wont 'let' her help me, because I stopped eating at hers. To be honest, I daren't make an arrangement for her to be the cleaner because I can't rely on her to actually do it.

I think I'll try and cut her down to £100, any less and there'll be real ructions. She was used to spending over £50 a week in M&S when she was at uni, and is finding it hard enough to stick to £30 at morrisons now.

I probably should mention that she's had weight problems in the past, when she was 14 she was in hospital for being seriously underweight, so I really can't risk her not eating properly.

I was thinking about telling her that whatever happens I can't keep paying for her after December, that gives her long enough to get used to the idea. I'm worried that even if she gets a job she'll expect me to buy her food, she's been applying for part time ones that will barely cover her bills but that are better for her career. And whenever she's going for a job and working out the figures based on the salary she never includes food, so I need to make that clear to her.

Thanks again for all your input.

donny-gal

Ames

I think you are missing an opportunity. Your ex has just left, and that is the reason you can no longer pay her food bills and you just don't have enough to buy your own!! If they family moan just say you haven't any spare money, they don't know all your details.

Forget the cleaning via her and just ask around, when I wanted a cleaner many years ago I asked someone who was a home help if they knew any private cleaners, mine was a star and was with me for over 15 years.

As for time spent on job applications, what is she applying for a brain surgeons job??

DG

Ames

Unfortunately they know that I'm actually getting £100 a month more in benefits since he's leaving.

She's applying for music tech jobs.

I'd rather go with an agency cleaner, then they do the checks, and if there's a problem I can complain to them, and they'll be fully insured and everything.

Horace

Ames - your benefits are for you and not to buy food for your sister, she is an adult now and should start behaving like one. Sorry but I see you as being the victim here - manipulated by your sister and your family.

That £100 could be spent on a cleaner and actually getting one from an agency won't be such a bad idea because as you say they do checks and have insurance.

I know someone who has ME and it is debilitating - there are days when my friend doesnt even go to work (he works for himself) because he is so ill and there are other days when he is as fit as a flea.

I wish you luck but I seriously think that you need to cut down on food spends for your sister otherwise she will leeching off you for ever.

donny-gal

Ames wrote: »

Unfortunately they know that I'm actually getting £100 a month more in benefits since he's leaving.

She's applying for music tech jobs.

I'd rather go with an agency cleaner, then they do the checks, and if there's a problem I can complain to them, and they'll be fully insured and everything.

But surely you can explain that you have more bills to meet as he is not meeting any, and have less to spare, maybe a white lie but you are being taken for a ride by the family.

Well that sounds a fancy job with few openings, maybe if she has to fend for herself she will go and get any job while she is looking for her ideal.

I appreciate you do not want family conflict, but you are not getting any consideration from them, and IMHO you are being blackmailed!
DG

Ames

He didn't meet bills anyway, all he had was £50pw carer's allowance. I can take the stance that I'm having to find money for other things though, explain that I really need to sort my debts out and be strict with money to stop the extra being sucked into a black hole.

I'll cut her down to £100, and see how that goes, and then try and cut it further in a few months. It seems a bit harsh to just cut it right down in one go.

Elspeth

Well done of posting here, and dealing with everyone's (well-meant but not necessarily easy to hear) comments.

I'm afraid I'm another one who is going to say that you cannot afford to subsidise your sister. You have debts, and will end up with more and worsen your health unless you give yourself some slack.

I appreciate that your sister has come to rely on you (and your family) and that you do not want to let her down, but she is not your responsibility.

On the eating disorder, as someone who has personal experience in that area (that I'd prefer not to share here, but will if you PM me) I will say that people with eating disorders can be very manipulative but your sister will not end up back in hospital because you cut her 'allowance'. She is an adult and chooses what she eats (within her budget) and when. The snag is that at the moment you are allowing her to force you give her more than she needs.

My partner and I spend less than you give her (by choice, to save) and eat very well - but not branded pre-prepared pasta sauce, and scallops! I don't think it's 'harsh' to expect her to be an adult and live within her means, especially when she's already getting more help than lots of people do (and who manage).

My final question to you is how long can you carry on like this? If your sister hasn't got a job in 6 months, or a year, will you still be paying? And what happens if she gets a job but it doesn't pay enough to allow her to live in the style in which she's become accustomed? My fear is that unless you draw a very firm line in the sand - risking the tantrums that will result - you could end up paying for your sister to have more treats that you do for many years to come.

Please keep posting, and if you do 'bite the bullet' and tell your sister she can have what you generously agree to give her (if anything) and appreciate it or have NOTHING, then do come on to get support. The Children and Families Board is a very friendly place too.

Best of luck
Elspeth