How should i feel about this new family member...

HeatherH

has anyone here had their child's dad have more kids with someone else? My son's dad's fiance's due date is tomorrow and I'm feeling rather mixed about it all.

It's still the case that he's the same cheating lying womaniser he's always been, and she's still the blind nieve poor woman thats living with him.

I still have to see him regularly because of visiting rights, which means sooner or later I'm going to meet this new baby of his... yeah I still care about him, the split wasn't my choice, but finding out the person he was, was more an escape than anything else.

I suppose I'm worried with the new baby coming in he'll treat his first son differently.

I know it's not about saving money, more saving my sanity lol so anyone with advice or support welcome

Errata

When this kind of thing happens it stirs up a lot of psycological slurry. And lots of 'what ifs' and 'if only's'. Be honest with yourself about your feelings and find ways to manage them to enable you to get on with your life is the best advice I could give anyone. Things will change, but perhaps in only very small ways - some for the better and some for the worse. You'll get through it and you don't have to see the new baby if you don't want to.

BitterAndTwisted

I don't think there's any "should" about it: you're entitled to feel any way you like about the situation. This is something that almost every woman whose partner leaves and starts a new family encounters and I'm sure it's ruddy difficult for all of them, especially when the child left behind in the previous relationship appears to be unfavourably compared or neglected in favour of the new little darling/s. Feel whatever you need to but definitely keep your own counsel would be my advice.

Once the scales fall from the new partner's eyes you might have the pleasure of comparing notes about what an a**e he is one day.

the_rottweiler

I know a family that have been torn by this situation for the past 40 years, ths son cannot mention his half sis to his mother or other siblings, when in fact he is closer to her than any other relative.
When my ex had another child I encouraged my kids to speak about thier sister (and always referred to her as such, not half sister).
Yes it choked me up a bit but after a while it got easier, and my eldest loves her, but unfortunately her mum has left taking her and my son hasnt seen her for over a year.

swiss69

Can anyone explain why women feel like this? I dont get it personally. My ex wife had two other children and I was made up for her and have no problem at all seeing and holding her children if they come up to me.

Is it a case of "I dont want him" but "I dont want him to happy with anyone else?"

I have a son and should I go on to have any more then this will in no way affect how I feel about my son. He is my eldest child, my boy and I shall love him for eternity regardless of what else happens in my life.

I am sure your ex willl feel the same and you should therefore have no worries.

The only time this would affect is down to jealousy on the part of the new mother who may think that her baby is not as loved as the older child causing resentment but a well balanced women should not feel like this.

Jealousy and possesivness are the most horrible traits a human can have and if you have these you should really try to work on them. Life becomes so much more pleasant without these emotions.

Pee

I think it's normal to worry that your children will be neglected or no longer a priority but I think the risk of that actually happening is very low. One child cannot replace another, but can be equally loved in different ways. If you went on to have more children, that wouldn't affect how you felt about your older children.

I think this baby is a new brother or sister to your children and hopefully they will have a good relationship with the child as they grow up.

Maybe this may even help your ex grow up?

I agree with the OP who says to avoid saying anything, whatever you are thinking.

MrsTinks

Swiss - you sound very like my dad to be honest Both my parents went on to have children with other people after they split... My mother has even babysat my dads son for him and my dads daughter has spent christmas with my mum in her house... (oh yes... we're odd ) But the cold fact of life is that not all blokes or women are thus inclined - too often we see people on here where the bloke is now no longer interested in his first child/ren with his ex - whether it's his choice or his new partner applying pressure is anyones guess, and likewise we see ex-wives who refuse to have anything to do with their childs father and do everything to deny access... etc.
Should my husband and I ever split up (which I sincerely hope we never do, but who knows what the future holds...) then I hope I can be as open minded as my parents... after all I must have loved him for something and even if he's no longer my husband I hope I can see that he's still a great dad and that won't change

ETA - Whilst i love my half siblings I cannot stand my step siblings... I tolerate them grudgingly but I only do so when I have no choice...

pukkamum

My sister is the step-mum who has had a baby and it has caused problems between her DH and her DH's ex.
The daughter loves her little bro and although showed a few signs of attention seeking when he was first born (lots of tummy aches etc) she loves him to bits.

However, her mum now uses my sisters baby as ammunition against them. Everytime there is a slight disagreement she will say things like now you have baby you don't care about daughter and everything is about baby which is no way true but she knows it will upset him.
Also if she is saying that to him what is she saying to daughter???

I think the key is that your child will follow your reaction towards the new baby if you act jealous and put out then so will your child if you say how wonderful it is etc (albeit through gritted teeth) then so will your child which will make life easier for your child.
Don't ever make your child feel guilty or bad about enthusing abbout their new sibling for fear of upsetting you xxx

xmaslolly76

Wow this thread has really got me thinking now i am expecting my third child but my partners 1st and i never really stopped to think what the father of my other two was feeling about the whole situation. I suppose it is slightly different in the fact the children will all be together and treated the same whilst with me i'm not sure how I would feel if it where the other way round.

Is your son excited about having a baby brother or sister has he been made to feel like part of it by your ex and his new partner ? it is one of the main things i have tried to do with mine so they dont ever feel pushed out. I think you will need to swallow your pride and be the bigger person here and tackle your own personal feelings as when they rear their heads and concentrate on your son.

not much help i know but big hugs to you it must be so hard :-)

HeatherH

Thanks for the advice everyone.

My son is really excited about the new addition, and I've encouraged it throughout even though I don't share the same thoughts. My son sees his dad in the school holidays and every 3rd weekend in the term, so he mainly sees him in blocks. I'm just hoping when he next goes to see him (baby will be here by then) that he pays as much attention to his son that he normally does.
I think I just needed to vent really, everyone involved thinks I'm happily excepting this new addition. I suppose only time will tell really.

Thanks again

Pee

Well done for keeping up an act that it will all be fine/ trying to be happy about it.