How should i feel about this new family member...

Blackpool_Saver

Imagine how she feels about you who has been there and done it all already with him,
have compassion and treat her and the child well, because when she and he break up you two will have something in common and so will your children.

Jo_R_2

I have just had my third child, my OH's first. My ex is now married and they are expecting a baby soon. My DDs see their dad regularly and are very excited about their new sibling arriving, from what I can see as much as they were about baby arriving here.

I have been careful to make it out to be great, very exciting that they won't just have a baby brother (our baby) but then ANOTHER brother/sister not so soon after! DD1 (age 5) asked if daddy's baby will be her stepbrother/sister - as she knows daddy's wife is her stepmummy - so I very briefly explained that he/she will be her half-brother/sister but that they will really just be their little brother or sister.

It doesn't bother me in the sense of being jealous, as any feelings passed a long time ago, but I must admit I can relate to feeling worried that DDs will get pushed out, not that I have any reason to think they would, but I'm their mum - I worry about everything! I do also think well, what will make this child different in that my ex will actually choose to care for them like he should have for our DDs but didn't. In my eyes he really failed big style when he was here in his role as a father and it might sound weird but I worry for that little baby as it's not so stressful only looking after your children four days a month - 24/7 is another matter and I do wonder how he'll fare... But hey that's not for me to worry about. I can relate to the worry!

maggied_2

This sounds hard. Can I give you a perspective from the other side of the fence?
My OH had a daughter with his ex - she's now 8. We're currently trying for our first.
My worries are that:
1. It won't be as special for him second time around - you only get to become a parent for the first time once and he's already had that experience with you, not his fiance.
2. He won't be as bothered about our kids than he is about DD - she was his first and because he's been a single dad (on alternate weekends that is!) she's had a lot of attention and time that I know our kids won't get (by virtue of the fact that I'll be there if that makes sense)

I'm sure his fiance has similar worries....however I think the advice to keep your feeling under wraps is the wisest. My OH's X puts pressure on their DD not even to enjoy herself with her dad and you can see the quandary it puts her in. Ultimately being the bigger person now will pay its dividends eventually (so I'm told ) and so don't make it awkward for your son to be happy about his sister.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to see your ex moving on and having a child with someone else - as others have said you may well be comparing notes in the future!

Good luck with it xx

LilDevil

swiss69 wrote: »

Is it a case of "I dont want him" but "I dont want him to happy with anyone else?"

Sounds just like my OH's ex!

MrsTine wrote: »

likewise we see ex-wives who refuse to have anything to do with their childs father and do everything to deny access... etc....

OH's ex also does this, she's even stopped him picking her up from school, siting that she doesn't get quality time with her - OH now barely sees his daughter

maggied wrote: »

My OH's X puts pressure on their DD not even to enjoy herself with her dad and you can see the quandry it puts her in.

OH's ex does this as well - A stayed with us a few days longer than normal and her mum apparently told her that if she behaved over at ours it meant that she didn't love or respect her as much as she did her dad. A asked if she could be naughty whilst with us to prove that wasn't the case.

I think it's awful that exes have to do things like this to a child and would hope that if the worst came to the worst, I would never be like that. I never criticise A's mother in front of her - even when A says stuff like "mummy thinks you're a b!tch", I just laugh and say I know but you can't be liked by everyone (I'm sure that would annoy her mother much more if she knew I wasn't angry/upset!)!

We are expecting a new addition although A doesn't know this yet, I'm sure her mother will go mad when she eventually finds out. I already 'rub her nose in it every day' by walking up the street (we live in the same street, long story, won't bore you with the details), so she's really gonna hate this!

maggied_2

Lildevil - right with you there! I could write a book on all the mental things OH's demented, manipulative witch of an ex has got up to....she is going to make life veeeeeeeeeeeery difficult for us once we've got one on the way.

Sorry OP, slight hijack!

galvanizersbaby

Probably best to make sure all the children concerned have as stable and happy time when they are with you as possible - not sure you'll achieve much with a tit for tat attitude though it must be hard it kind of brings you down to the same level - best just do your best to rise above it if you can possibly manage it

traveller

To be honest, I think people's attitude to this type of situation will differ, depending on the fathers relationship with the previous children.My ex always made It clear, he was too busy to be a father to his kids and begrudges doing anything financially for them.He sees them once a week for a few hours-he lives 40 minutes away by foot-and if they ask to stay over at his,he makes It clear he has to rearrange something else, for this to happen.

He does have a girlfriend and I do worry that If-more likely when, they have a child, It Is going to hurt the kids seeing him play happy families with other children when he didn't want to with them.Especially as In arguments,he always says he had no chioce In them being here.It's a tough one.I agree you have to accept your feelings and I wish you all luck with dealing with IT.

HeatherH

Thanks for the advice everyone.

She went into hospital last night for the induction, haven't heard any more since. Will keep you lot posted.

I'm trying to see it from a different angle, having a baby will always be a beautiful thing, and my issues with my ex shouldn't get in the way of that, as I know it effects other people especially with my son.

still need chocolate though

morocha

Hi OP. i i know how you feel, you said that the split up was not your choice, my mum was in the same situation a couple of years ago, my dad left and went to live with another woman and her kids, two years ago, my dad and her had a girl, my mum was very upset about it,
she loved me dad so much and couldnt not cope with the fact she was a new life... by the way that woman is not nice either, she rang my mum up to tell her... "listen, cow, i am pregnant", they live quite close, but in all this years(8) my mum never said or did anything, i think she just deals with it. My youngest brother gets very upset when he goes to visit them, because she doesnt like him, and make him look after her daughter, and my brother doesnt see her as a sister... just like a girl.
i think you will learn to cope with it, it will take time,

maggied_2

Good luck Heather - it is going to sting for a while, especially if you didn't want the split to happen. You don't *have* to see the new baby but it might make you feel better to rise above it - maybe even get a small present from your son to his new sister (?)
It's so hard always trying to be the bigger person and rising above all the cr*p certain people in your life throw at you but (apparently) it will pay dividends! And if so I'm due a lot in that case so you're all welcome to share mine.
Go and crack open the choc if it'll cheer you up C xx