How should i feel about this new family member...

squibbs25

Not sure how my hubby's ex-wife felt when i fell pregnant with our dd (he already has 3 dd's with his ex), but if ever she felt any resentment to either myself, my son or my dd i have never seen any of it.
All the children are bought up as brother and sisters, my eldest 2 step dd's often take our 2 out for the day, last summer hols my middle step dd (17) wanted our 2 for the day and step dd's mum (hubby's ex) went out with them without the slightest hesitation. Before our dd was born hubby's ex has had our son to stay for the weekend!
Step-dd's are (as should be) just as comfortable in our home as they are at their mums. Here they have their own bedroom room for their own space, it's been this way since we have been together, I love the girls like my own children and we have a great friendship.
Please try not to worry, if your child picks up on anything you are feeling, it 'may' damage his confidence. A new baby is a special time for anyone, and a sibling can be really exciting.
My step dd's were never pushed out in any respect, they even came to my antenatal appointments whenever they wanted to (which meant taking 4 children :eek:,) and visited us in hospital as soon as baby was born (approx 70 mins later LOL) it is a happy memory and the girls would def have been put out if not allowed to attend the hospital especially knowing their brother was there.
Not all tales of step families are doom and gloom.
I'm happy and proud of all our kids.

HeatherH

Just a quick update: Baby was born 4pm. don't know weight as my ex wouldn't tell me lol

BeenieCat

From another perspective, I'm the "new woman" expecting a baby. It's worse as he left her for me.

I appreciate she'd have mixed feelings about it, and i told OH to chat with her and make sure she knows his relationship with their kids won't be affected - i'm sure she knows this, but i'm also sure hearing it from him would let her know we realise it's not the best news for her and that we're not going to rub it in her face.

However, my own feelings are mixed too because i wonder if he will love ours as much as his first two, will he compare parenting skills, etc.

I guess now i can put these things into past tense, as our issues with other things have caused us to split a few days ago. And i'm sure his ex is loving it (in a "non-malicious" way as possible!) :rotfl:

squibbs25

HeatherH wrote: »

Just a quick update: Baby was born 4pm. don't know weight as my ex wouldn't tell me lol

How do you feel now, knowing that the baby is actually here?

HeatherH

I feel worse to be honest. I know I've got to be grown up about it, I just don't know why I'm not over my ex. It doesn't help that I have to see him with his gf every 3 weeks (custody arrangement) I just want done with, I want to be happy for them (even tho he still cheats) I don't want to hurt any more.

squibbs25

Arhh sorry hun, i was hoping that you would feel a little different now the baby is here. I understand that it's not easy for you.
How long have you been seperated and how long has he been with her?

Think about it logically,you say you believe that your ex still cheat's, is he really someone that deserves you and your child? Is he really someone you would want to be with for the rest of your life, opening yourself and child to (possibley) many years of heartache? You deserve far more than that.

You may not feel it now, but i think he has done you a massive favour by leaving you.
I feel sorry for his 'new' partner, she will be heartbroken to find out (if she doesn't already know) that he may have cheated on her, especially as she has only just given birth to his child.

Try not to be down about it, the baby means no harm to you or your child, it didnt ask to be born. Can you think of the plus side? Your little one gets the joys of a sibling without having it around all the time, still leaving your LO an only child.
I'm sitting here trying really hard to make you feel a little better but somehow i dont think i've suceeded LOL

crutches

HeatherH wrote: »

Just a quick update: Baby was born 4pm. don't know weight as my ex wouldn't tell me lol

knowing what my ex was like its possible he COULDN'T tell you

(hug)

larmy16

Jealousy and possesivness are the most horrible traits a human can have and if you have these you should really try to work on them. Life becomes so much more pleasant without these emotions.

This is undoubtedly true. However, people are just human beings after all and as such these qualities are in most of us to a lesser of higher degree. It feels awful but denying such feelings are only going to cause harm in other ways.

I have a very good friend who had lived with her partner for many years. They had two children and a new born baby when he told her he no longer loved her. As is usually the case, he had found a new partner with three children of her own.

The latest is that he and his new partner are now expecting their own baby and are getting married!!!!!

My friend is devastated despite trying to be mature when it comes to the kids etc.

I think you would have to be superhuman to not let such hurt and rejection not come out in some way, even if it would be mature and best for all concerned, to do so.

HeatherH

thanks everyone. the whole thing still feels a bit odd. I'm now wondering if I'm supposed to give them a congratulations card, probably not from me, but from my son. I'm dropping my son off in a couple of weeks as he has time with his dad. I'm not sure I want to meet baby though. Hopefully he'll keep to my wishes and meet me at the near by park, that way I don't have to be near the new baby. I know it all sounds mad and that I should be happy for them, but I'm starting to tear my hair out about why I never got over him. He lied, he cheated... so why do I still miss him like I do?

larmy16

HeatherH wrote: »

thanks everyone. the whole thing still feels a bit odd. I'm now wondering if I'm supposed to give them a congratulations card, probably not from me, but from my son. I'm dropping my son off in a couple of weeks as he has time with his dad. I'm not sure I want to meet baby though. Hopefully he'll keep to my wishes and meet me at the near by park, that way I don't have to be near the new baby. I know it all sounds mad and that I should be happy for them, but I'm starting to tear my hair out about why I never got over him. He lied, he cheated... so why do I still miss him like I do?

I am guessing you do not have a new partner? If so, I am sure this is why. We cannot understand how these new women can get on and appear to be happy with all the characteristics of our men that we could hardly bear!

Don't berate yourself for feeling this way. Just accept that you do - for now. Like I said I think your feelings are really perfectly normal even if they are not perfect! I think that sounds great that you give a card from your son.

This is a tough situation for you to be in and you are handling it the best way you can. I think you would have to be an automaton to be perfectly ok with it all.

Lot's of us have problems accepting our partners have moved on from us. Especially if we are alone. It's not logical - it just is. When you think of it most emotions are not logical really. Take being happy - where's the logic in that??

All the best to you Heather. Try not to be too hard on yourself. In time, this will all mean nothing to you. X