Need advice please about my pregnant sister and abusive partner

minnie123

Even if she stopped her card he could still draw all the money because it's a joint account and he has a card too. He just took it so she had no money - to be spiteful.

RAS

This is called economic abuse - just as real as physical abuse

If she intends to end this relationship, then she needs to ring the bank and tell them that all further debits need to be authorised by both signatories.

if she is unsure, she needs to withdraw some money on Monday and start a new account in her name only - basic bank account which does not show a credit check - and to keep everything at your house.

This is her escape fund.

minnie123

He says because he earnt all the money she should get nothing. But the only reason she stopped working was because of his jealousy and he told her she didn't need to work, he wanted her to be at home where he could boss her around.

RAS

This is pure economic abuse. Read the link posted earlier.

First you remove the economic independence and then you slate the person for their dependence. Add a child and you have a perfect storm, as she is then "trapped" by her financial dependence and he can do what he likes. Classic case.

Why has Refuge produced the guide?

It's research has shown that domestic violence often involves economic abuse as well as physical, sexual and emotional abuse and that many women stay with abusive men because they are worried about the financial consequences of leaving and are unaware of the options that are available to them. Economic abuse can include taking the woman’s money, not allowing her to work, strictly limiting what she’s allowed to spend or, really commonly, placing debt in her name to trap her in the relationship.

Get her to open a basic account on-line from your or a friend's computer and then start to squirrel away small sums.

The courts will take a rather different view - I susoect she would get the bulk of the equity and he will be paying maintenance. He may try losing his job when that happens.

minnie123

That is spot on - He works for his dad and his parents have said if they split they will support her so I don't think he could get away with the no job excuse. I have been telling her for years to get a job but he has made her so insecure she is scared too get a job because she thinks she is useless. She had a really good job before too working in beauty therapy and was excellent at it. She was approached to do modelling before too and he went mad and wouldn't let her do it.

RAS

She needs to talk to one of the domestic abuse charities. Someone outside the family telling her how it is might make a difference.

Mely

Im sorry to ask this...but why has your sister decided to have a baby with such a vile creature of a man? She must have known what he was like,and known that he wouldnt change after being with him all those years!

BallandChain

The fact the pregnant sister has gone round to her friend's and not to the police means she will go back to her home. She has even said she wants to stay there. If she has been with him for 9 years and now she is expecting I do not think she will be reporting him/leaving him any time soon.

JoJoB

First off - it sounds like the situation is ambiguous about whether or not she is going to go back to this man. If she does then, as shell says, it is very important you remain a constant support as she will undoubtedly need you very soon.

Second - if she is wavering and unsure because of the economic situation it needs to be stressed that her safety and the baby's safety is the priority. Everything else will pass with time and be sorted out. She may lose out on some money and her rightful place in the house but these things need take a backseat for now. She just needs to be somewhere safe. I understand things may happen that are unfair and she may lose out financially (though not necessarily is she gets good advice), but losing a baby will be a source of agony forever - losing a few grand just won't.

minnie123

Mely wrote: »

Im sorry to ask this...but why has your sister decided to have a baby with such a vile creature of a man? She must have known what he was like,and known that he wouldnt change after being with him all those years!

He didn't used to be like this - they always had a few rows but nothing serious in the slightest. It has been getting gradually and gradually worse. It was never as bad as it is now before she was pregnant never. I can say myself he can and has been the most loveliest person to me and I am shocked at how this has turned out today.