The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Conceive when its just not happening (12m+)

fluffnutter

mrshappy wrote: »

Hello, hope everyone is well.
I had a surprise phone call from the hospital today asking me to go in for a scan as our donor is almost ready for collection, a wee bit quicker than planned, so we have been given Saturday as a provisional transfer day. Exciting stuff.
I have been reading along and promptly forgetting everything I was going to say.
I also keep forgetting to do a wee summary, so here goes. I am 40, OH is 49. TTC since March 2011. I have a 16 year old son from a previous relationship. OH is a Cystic Fybrosis carrier, which had led to him not having any vas deferens, so although he produces sperm it has nowhere to go. We have had private treatment at Glasgow Nuffield, no NHS funding at all as I have the teenager. OH had PESA so we have sperm in the freezer. We had an unsuccessful ICSI cycle in Feb 13, and are in the middle of a donor egg ICSI cycle just now.

Good luck. I used an egg donor too. Always happy to talk about the particular challenges that poses.

tea_lover

Fluff, I appreciate this is a very personal question so please just ignore it if you'd rather! Just wondered if your and your DH were planning on telling your son about the donor egg? Oh and I were talking about this the other day (in anticipation of the counselling we'll have to have) and he could not believe that anyone would tell a child they'd come from donor egg/sperm/embryos.

My initial thought was that most people would say, but thinking about it I didn't know why I thought that.

Obviously we're looking at this from the other side (for now, maybe one day he'll come round to donor sperm!) but it does play on my mind a bit.

Would I really be comfortable knowing that there's the potential for a child to contact me in 18 years' time... especially if I never have children myself?

As the hospital is near-ish to us am I going to spend the next few years checking out all the babies and toddlers for any sort of resemblance?

I'm over-thinking this!

time2deal

From memory (we had the counselling when it looked like an option) you have to agree to tell them eventually. From a health perspective it's necessary anyway - so, like adoption, I think the guidance is to start early.

But I might be wrong. Fluffnutter you are the expert!

tea_lover

time2deal wrote: »

From memory (we had the counselling when it looked like an option) you have to agree to tell them eventually. From a health perspective it's necessary anyway - so, like adoption, I think the guidance is to start early.

This was exactly what I thought, but OH seemed so genuinely horrified at the mere prospect. He said he couldn't believe that anyone would ever say anything (I did mention the health aspects etc) and it made me think I'd dreamt hearing that you were recommended to be open about things.

fluffnutter

tea_lover wrote: »

Fluff, I appreciate this is a very personal question so please just ignore it if you'd rather! Just wondered if your and your DH were planning on telling your son about the donor egg? Oh and I were talking about this the other day (in anticipation of the counselling we'll have to have) and he could not believe that anyone would tell a child they'd come from donor egg/sperm/embryos.

My initial thought was that most people would say, but thinking about it I didn't know why I thought that.

Obviously we're looking at this from the other side (for now, maybe one day he'll come round to donor sperm!) but it does play on my mind a bit.

Would I really be comfortable knowing that there's the potential for a child to contact me in 18 years' time... especially if I never have children myself?

As the hospital is near-ish to us am I going to spend the next few years checking out all the babies and toddlers for any sort of resemblance?

I'm over-thinking this!

You can't over-think this. You have to explore everything - it's the only way to be completely comfortable with any decision you make.

Yes, we will tell him. For a number of reasons: Firstly, people know. Not huge numbers but all our family know and some close friends (plus everyone on here ). It's not fair for him to not know something that others do. Secondly, secrets have a habit of erupting anyway. The chance remark at a family do, the knowing looks when he asks 'mum, did I get my funny toes from you?'. All of these things are potential timebombs. Lastly, everyone has the right to know about their origins, plain and simple. When we saw our counsellor she absolutely 100% advised against not telling, the advice is always to be open and honest.

I don't plan to sit him down and blurt it out at some sensitive point in his teens. Rather it will be something I want him to always have known. When he starts asking questions about babies and whatnot, I'll work it in. Only in the context of whatever he's asking, but I'll try to raise it. At the time when you say mummies have eggs or whatever, then I'll say that someone else gave me an egg because I didn't have any. (I've not got it all worked out yet. Can you tell? ).

Much of it is a journey of discovery. I expected to feel *this* way and haven't. Similarly, some of the ways I've felt have surprised me. The most striking thing is how much it doesn't matter now. He's so totally and completely mine that it's much less of an issue than it was before and during my pregnancy. I've found myself just casually mentioning it. I mention it often to my parents, ask them whether they feel less of a bond because there's no genetic link (they don't) and I've also told friends that I didn't intend ever to tell. It's just happened naturally. I feel utterly comfortable with it all.

As an aside, there won't be a contact issue for us. Freddie was conceived in Spain where the law doesn't allow contact between a child of donated egg/sperm and the donor. He can't ever seek out or know anything about the donor. It's different in the UK as you say. This was a factor in deciding to go to Spain but not the main one (which was that it would be quicker to find a donor there than here). For my part, I don't think about her at all. I suppose at first I was grateful in a detached sort of way, now it's simply irrelevant.

I don't mind you asking. Hopefully I can help anyone going through similar.

fluffnutter

time2deal wrote: »

From memory (we had the counselling when it looked like an option) you have to agree to tell them eventually. From a health perspective it's necessary anyway - so, like adoption, I think the guidance is to start early.

But I might be wrong. Fluffnutter you are the expert!

Our agreeing to tell the child wasn't a condition of being accepted for a donor cycle, but it is strongly advised. Health issues are a factor, yes, but less of one then people think. Many, many people just don't know their origins; their parents (particularly fathers) disappear, they're adopted, the man bringing them up isn't actually their biological dad (although mum's kept quiet on that front -reckoned to be about 10% of the population :eek:). Genetic factors play a large part in illness, but at the end of the day, if you don't know your family history I doubt it makes much difference to the outcome of your own health issues.

For me, there are other, more important, reasons as I've described in my earlier post. The main one being, it's wrong that the people in your life know something about you that you yourself don't know. Now that he's actually a person this has become much more significant. Before he existed it was just a vague concept, now it's a striking truth.

fluffnutter

Lowblow wrote: »

Thankyou

Just read through and it says 40-42 if not smoking or have any kids together. We both are non smokers and have no kids together.

In my area, the upper age limit is 35.

vseviour

Really interesting read about egg donation, thanks to everyone for opening my eyes.

What did FS say PartMouse? Did they grow slightly? I don't think there's any rush, my FS was quite laid back about my slow growth.

AFM, hospital phoned this morning, all 5 eggs developed to various degrees, one was 9 cell and had begun to compact (I don't really understand this, but apparently it looked more like a day 5?). SO they waited until my appointment at lunchtime before they chose one, and by then a 6 cell had become 8. It was amazing, they put it on the screen before they inserted it, I nearly cried! Then my friend watched on the ultrasound monitor as they put it inside.

Such a relief to have it all done, and I think now even if it doesn't turn into a pregnancy, at least I can live with myself knowing I've tried. So now two weeks of deep breathing and healthy eating!

Thank you all so much for your support during all this, I hope I haven't bored you, but it's been therapeutic pouring it all out. Plus you guys are way cheaper than a counselor!

Part_Mouse

Vseviour still got everything crossed for you and your 2 ww.

Fs said my ovaries arnt being stimulated at all, no follies either despite the increased dose. Fs said we will need to up the dose again come fri. I just hope they can get my ovaries to at least produce, very hard not to lose heart though.

Wonder_Woman

That's so exciting vseviour, hoping the wait passes quickly for you. You too Mrs Happy! Thinking of you both.

Our appointment went well thanks Rowingirl!

DH had lots of good swimmers to be frozen so that's positive news. Plan is to start drugs on CD1 of next cycle - all hit home today when they were asking for consent to use embryos if anything happens to DH, nearly started sobbing (very aware I need to get a grip!!)

On the down side, they did say we only have one funded cycle (ICSI). I know we are lucky to even have that and I shouldn't feel hard done by but previously they had said three so feel a little bit like chances being snatched away. Nothing to do but wait and see