The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Conceive when its just not happening (12m+)

Part_Mouse

Wonder Woman wishing you well for the start of Icsi for you.

Wonder_Woman

Thank you PM, it feels like we made a little step forward today just by confirming that DH has viable sperm.

Will keep fingers crossed that this next dose is the one for you and that you see results xxx

mrshappy

fluffnutter wrote: »

You can't over-think this. You have to explore everything - it's the only way to be completely comfortable with any decision you make.

Yes, we will tell him. For a number of reasons: Firstly, people know. Not huge numbers but all our family know and some close friends (plus everyone on here ). It's not fair for him to not know something that others do. Secondly, secrets have a habit of erupting anyway. The chance remark at a family do, the knowing looks when he asks 'mum, did I get my funny toes from you?'. All of these things are potential timebombs. Lastly, everyone has the right to know about their origins, plain and simple. When we saw our counsellor she absolutely 100% advised against not telling, the advice is always to be open and honest.

I don't plan to sit him down and blurt it out at some sensitive point in his teens. Rather it will be something I want him to always have known. When he starts asking questions about babies and whatnot, I'll work it in. Only in the context of whatever he's asking, but I'll try to raise it. At the time when you say mummies have eggs or whatever, then I'll say that someone else gave me an egg because I didn't have any. (I've not got it all worked out yet. Can you tell? ).

Much of it is a journey of discovery. I expected to feel *this* way and haven't. Similarly, some of the ways I've felt have surprised me. The most striking thing is how much it doesn't matter now. He's so totally and completely mine that it's much less of an issue than it was before and during my pregnancy. I've found myself just casually mentioning it. I mention it often to my parents, ask them whether they feel less of a bond because there's no genetic link (they don't) and I've also told friends that I didn't intend ever to tell. It's just happened naturally. I feel utterly comfortable with it all.

As an aside, there won't be a contact issue for us. Freddie was conceived in Spain where the law doesn't allow contact between a child of donated egg/sperm and the donor. He can't ever seek out or know anything about the donor. It's different in the UK as you say. This was a factor in deciding to go to Spain but not the main one (which was that it would be quicker to find a donor there than here). For my part, I don't think about her at all. I suppose at first I was grateful in a detached sort of way, now it's simply irrelevant.

I don't mind you asking. Hopefully I can help anyone going through similar.

Thank you for that long post, it is interesting reading. I agree about it always just being a part of who they are, and not the big shock when they are older, I have thought long and hard about it, and how we would deal with it but to be honest my thoughts are all over the place just now.

vseviour wrote: »

Really interesting read about egg donation, thanks to everyone for opening my eyes.

What did FS say PartMouse? Did they grow slightly? I don't think there's any rush, my FS was quite laid back about my slow growth.

AFM, hospital phoned this morning, all 5 eggs developed to various degrees, one was 9 cell and had begun to compact (I don't really understand this, but apparently it looked more like a day 5?). SO they waited until my appointment at lunchtime before they chose one, and by then a 6 cell had become 8. It was amazing, they put it on the screen before they inserted it, I nearly cried! Then my friend watched on the ultrasound monitor as they put it inside.

Such a relief to have it all done, and I think now even if it doesn't turn into a pregnancy, at least I can live with myself knowing I've tried. So now two weeks of deep breathing and healthy eating!

Thank you all so much for your support during all this, I hope I haven't bored you, but it's been therapeutic pouring it all out. Plus you guys are way cheaper than a counselor!

Fingers crossed for you, good luck xx

Thanks for all your positive thoughts, I can't believe that all of a sudden we are almost at transfer-I knew it was coming, but still feel surprised

Missme

All I have read of the thread is the title - it moved me to comment.

I cannot imagine being unable to conceive - even as I approach 50 it's a concern.

We just imagine some things to be 'natural'. Having said that, the people I have met who have had assisted conceptions, used surrogates or adopted, are those who make exemplary parents. Conception is relatively easy - being a good parent is hard work.

Good luck x

Peonie

Thanks Missme.

There are some exciting things going on!

From me, I don't think I've ovulated for the last 2 months. The CBFM has not reached peak. But the good news is that we've finally got our IVF open evening appointment date - next week! I can't wait to find out the timescales. I'm trying to get loads of significant work out of the way as my stress levels are high.

tea_lover

Fluff, thank you. As ever, you're an absolute star I can't thank you enough for all the help and support you've given on this thread in the time I've been here. You should start charging!

Everything you've said was how I was thinking (along the lines of of course you'd tell, it would just be a natural thing when you talk about where babies come from, etc). I guess OH just hasn't ever thought about these things and the whole idea freaked him out a bit.

Although we're looking at donating eggs, in his head it's clearly linked to the possibility of us receiving donor sperm. To some extent he's projecting his ideas about not wanting to receive sperm to worrying about the implications of donating eggs.... if that makes sense.

I'm much more comfortable with the idea that this isn't going to happen 'naturally' for us, and that the ends justify the means. He's struggling to let go of the idea that a quick bunk up automatically leads to a baby, and tbh I think he resents all the extra effort we have to put in to achieve something that everyone else* can manage without any thought.

I can't say as I blame him. It is unfair. Why can't we get pg? It feels like we're being punished for something

*it certainly feels like everyone else, although obviously that's not the case.

Part_Mouse

Wonder Woman

Thanks, glad to hear you've made a step forward.

MrsDavo

tea_lover wrote: »

I'm much more comfortable with the idea that this isn't going to happen 'naturally' for us, and that the ends justify the means. He's struggling to let go of the idea that a quick bunk up automatically leads to a baby, and tbh I think he resents all the extra effort we have to put in to achieve something that everyone else* can manage without any thought.

I can't say as I blame him. It is unfair. Why can't we get pg? It feels like we're being punished for something

*it certainly feels like everyone else, although obviously that's not the case.

Tea,

This is one of the hardest bits about this whole journey I think. Getting past the unfairness of it all and the acceptance that we need help. It's something I have and am still struggling with, although as the months progress I am slowly coming to terms with it. To be able to let go of the anger and resentment that the unfairness brings to us is so difficult.
I can't blame you OH for how he feels, as I am sure you don't either.

The feeling that everyone else in the world can do this except us, does feel like a punishment. Like why can my OH have a child, and I have a child with people who destroyed our lives, and yet together we can't do it?

Possibly why we find so much comfort on here, where we can openly talk to others about how we feel, and not be told " Just relax and it will happen! "

Lowblow

After giving up hope of any chance of help since going Doctors and reading on here the age limit looks to be 39 I got a letter this morning from the gynaecology unit!

I phoned for an appointment and they want to see me and my partner on the 30th of October. I hope I am not going to this to be told yet again there is nothing they can do.

My emotions are all over the place, would they see me just to tell me I'm too old?

Wonder_Woman

Lowblow, I'm sure there is something they can do - don't lose heart!!

Pretty sure you still need to be referred from your doctor for treatment whether funded or not. The fertility clinic will then assess funding situation and if not nhs you just deal directly with clinic and pay yourself (what we will have to do if cycle 1 doesnt work).

It could be that funding is different in your area and you come under an area that funds to 42? Worth looking into to put your mind at rest. Each area seems to put their "rules" on their website I have found since trying to search out ours!!