i DONT WANT TO BE HERE

RadoJo

Dear Lord - we'd all be in the loony bin if that was the only qualification for being mad! Personally, I have wrestled with issues similar to those you have talked about - I can replay scenes over and over again in my head and convince myself that I did or said the wrong thing and that's why people don't like me, or work myself up so much about something that I am completely irrational about it.
If you're suffering from depression as well, then that makes everything seem much worse and every problem becomes huge in your head. It's been a long process of realising that I am ultimately reponsible for how I act and react to situations, and if I want something it's up to me to make sure I do whatever I can to get it. It's not easy to stop assuming that everyone is somehow 'the same' and I am different to them, even though logically I can see that it is very unlikely that I am the only one in the world who feels like this.
One example of something which really changed my outlook was looking at the life someone I know - she's not a particularly nice person, can be very manipulative and spoilt, but can also be really fun to be with as she knows how to have a good time. She has a pretty wide group of friends, many of whom will comment on her worse qualities, but all still spend time with her because they've been friends since school and she can be ok in short bursts. Now, if this girl can have a circle of friends and keep a full diary every weekend, the only thing that stops anyone else is their belief that they can do it - it never occurs to her that people might not want to spend time with her, and as a result people do, as simple as that!
When I was at school, I always wanted to be called up and 'invited' out, even though everyone was going to the same place and we all knew about it, I felt as though I would be imposing unless someone specifically called me up and asked me to travel with them, meaning I quite often spent the night alone, crying and wondering what was wrong with me. It's only recently that I have realised that actually all I had to do was pick up a phone and say 'are you going to xxxx tonight? Can I share your cab/meet you at the bus stop/hook up beforehand and go together' and bingo - all the insecurity of turning up alone was gone. I wanted to be so special that people couldn't think of planning a night or event without specifically making sure I would be there, but unfortuantely, that's not the way things work in real life - people will have fun with whoever wants to have fun, and they won't know you want to have fun unless you put yourself in play so to speak.

Could you organise something fun for everyone in the house to do? It doesn't have to be going out, just something which you can put together to give everyone a chance to enjoy each other's company without any unlterior motives or issues to be addressed. It's a lot easier to get along than not, so even if your housemates have been wary of including you in their plans, they will soon adapt if you show that you want to be more involved. Or if you really think that your situation with your current housemates is unsalvageable, then why not join a club at uni or just complement someone on their looks to get a bit of a conversation started. You'll be amazed at how sociable people are when you stop feeling as though there's something wrong with you - I was, and I can promise that everything you have said about finding it hard to make friends are things I have said to myself over the years.

Dee123_2

TD, sorry you are having such a bad time at the moment. It's such a circle, isn't it? The situtation at home is lowering your self esteem and making it difficult to think about anything else which then puts everything out of perspective.

I really understand what you mean about not being asked to go on holiday "symbolising their friendship". Do you think, maybe, that you are looking a bit too hard for signs of rejection? Is a part of you jumping at it and saying "Aha! I suspected you don't like me and this proves it!"

And maybe is it just possible they have not asked you as you are currently unemployed?

(RadJo, such good posts! I know exactly what you mean as I am going through the process of making such changes myself. I always thought I was imposing to invite myself places and feared the rejection of not being invited greatly )

pinkpong

top-drawer, I hope you get better with this problem. I would also recomend to do something for other people and not expect anything in return. This will make you feel happy as you will feel needed and doing something important for others. Perhap going to primary school (or a hospital) and helping out with reading or anything they need doing. Even if it is only a half an hour you will help them and they will help you to feel that you have a place to fill.
How about some animal to cuddle up with and care for.


Can I just hijack this thread and ask something?

My nearly 12 year DD has had this problem for nearly a year. She seems to see herself as a victim all the time. It is taking the tall on me, I just don`t know what to tell her anymore. Is there anywhere where she could get some help? Would any atidipressants help her or would this be too dangerous for her age. I know that GP`s aren`t very keen on these things.

top_drawer_2

Thanks RadoJo and Dee for brillant, sensible and excellent advice. I am doing my best to follow it. I should have replied sooner but I have been very busy with things here. Things are better than they were but I really need to find things, friends etc outside this house although I havent got a plan on how to do that just yet.

I have managed by complete luck to get a little job cleaning a private house for one of my houseshares friends. Its hard work but felt really good to get out of the house, having some money will be good too. I am working towards exams starting around 20/08 so no doubt more stress to come but hopefully these AD's will be most helpful.

Thanks again,

Jenny

buddywitch

Have just read your thread. Im sorry you have been feeling so run down, but glad that you have found new friends here and that you also have new job. Sounds as though things are turning around for the better for you. All the best in your new job.

top_drawer_2

pinkpong wrote: »

top-drawer, I hope you get better with this problem. I would also recomend to do something for other people and not expect anything in return. This will make you feel happy as you will feel needed and doing something important for others. Perhap going to primary school (or a hospital) and helping out with reading or anything they need doing. Even if it is only a half an hour you will help them and they will help you to feel that you have a place to fill.
How about some animal to cuddle up with and care for.


Can I just hijack this thread and ask something?

My nearly 12 year DD has had this problem for nearly a year. She seems to see herself as a victim all the time. It is taking the tall on me, I just don`t know what to tell her anymore. Is there anywhere where she could get some help? Would any atidipressants help her or would this be too dangerous for her age. I know that GP`s aren`t very keen on these things.

Hi,

Thank you for replying. One of the problems I have is that I often offer too much of myself not really expecting anything back and then people take advantage. I then feel angry when I dont receive what I want in return for myself. I always seem to be doing things for people and this gets very tiring. I would love a pet but I am worried I would lose interest/not have enough time once other parts of my life become more busy.

In regard to your question about you daughter - I doubt antidepressant would help her unless she is experiencing depression, its quite rare for a GP to prescribe them to someone so young but its not unheard. I would suggest changing her mindset which takes time, challenging the views in a non-defensive way could help. Also what about getting her some part-time work a paper round (ok for the summer months) or dog walking/babysitting for someone outside the family? Responsibility and seeing how she can exert some power over her life would be beneficial.

Jenny