i DONT WANT TO BE HERE

piratefairy

I've suffered for several yrs with bipolar disorder, and like yourself I also really hated uni, not feeling like I fitted in and with relationships falling apart due to the stress and tension. I'd really advise that although the medication may have some effect, your best option would be to find someone to talk to, that doesn't necessarily have to be a professional - i waited on a liost for months and still wasn't allocated to a counsellor, but found that having a "not-so-close" friend to talk to really helped, and the suicidal thoughts etc really do get less frequent and serious. If you ever need anyone to tlk to, I'm happy to help. I still suffer pretty badly, but since finishing uni a yr ago, things have got a lot better.

Dee123_2

In a way, if you could substitute the word "house" for "workplace" in your post, you'd be me telling the events of the last few weeks. Excluded from social events, feeling the odd one out and unwanted. Seriously losing my temper when I felt rejected, too. I can't say I am in a hugely better place now but I got to the stage where deep down I KNEW it was me and my attitude to things and, critically, how I interpreted other peoples actions that were making things worse and worse. I just couldn't win. I also knew I was suffering from depression and anxiety by events outside of work that were taking their toll. I was lucky, I had one good friend there to talk to, but it could so easily have gone the way you mention (with the issues that upset your housemates), that things got back to people because I was too upset to confront them directly I totally sympathise.

I found a book on CBT which was extremely useful. For example, it explained how one thing you see as a slight against you will lead you to imagine others, how stress will cause you to be on guard for other "perceived dangers" when there may not be any. I'm not saying you are imagining any of it, just that you may be in a cycle that needs to be broken with some thoughts that are rather toxic and seem like you are stuck in a cycle of despair.

Another example of bad thinking is being in a situation where if you do something wrong you are at fault, and if they do something wrong to you, it's also your fault for not being good enough. Black and white thinking is bad too, Person X likes Y so they can't like me much as Y doesn't like me.

Have a really good think about whether you have been externalising your emotions - by this, have you told them at each stage what you need? This works likewise with them. To what extent are you trying to predict their motives from their actions, because we really never have the ability to read other peoples minds.

Best wishes for getting though this - I know what a nightmare it is. Stay strong, there will always be something worth fighting for in life - bear this in mind even if your immediate reaction is that you dont know what it is yet. "Yet" is a very important word!

Dee x

busiscoming2

Please talk to your parents, they wouldn't want you to be so upset and down. Go home if you can. Big hug.

top_drawer_2

hi,

Thank you everyone for the support, friday was the worst I have been in awhile and hopefully it wont happen again for a lot longer. I wasnt able to come to the library on saturday as I started with a tummy bug and couldn't move out of bed. I wasnt expecting a good weekend anyway and I wasnt particularly disappointed but its been less of a trauma than I had imagined. I managed to get a counselling appt with the year round counsellor last week, it seemed a long way away on friday though. I saw her this morning and she was very helpful and we have talked a lot about choices and thinking patterns.

I've also "spoken" via facebook to several of the housemates and things seemed to have calmed a bit. I had a lovely reply back from one of them and the essence seems to be that they see the problem and are understanding (to some extent) and think a lot of me. I just find this so hard to believe though even when people say it.

I am going to have to work on not being so available to be helpful, asking for what I want and stating it when I am not happy with something. I am also working on being busier; a part-time job would be a godsend and I have exams in August so I am going to be busy with them very soon. I just need some balance I think, not just all academic work or all house etc
I dont have many friends and so I focus on them at home and build my world around them, same with uni and it used to be the same with employment.

I cant talk to my parents as they sort of caused a lot of the problems; my mum drinks and I used to have to look after my sis who has downs syndrome. She can be agressive and this sometimes overflowed to violence although mainly it was verbal abuse. She was diagnosed with Breast cancer in November and has just recently finished radiotherapy following chemo. This has caused me a lot of contradictory feelings about her. Its been a traumatic year I guess. Hence this is where I actually live now which makes it more stressful as it means so much to me.

Funnily enough I have a CBT book and workbook which I bought ages ago and then decided things had improved enough to not complete. I think that might have to be on my list of things to do....

Thank you again everyone,

TD

Dee123_2

Good, TD.

It seems like you are seeing things very clearly today.

Let us know how you get on

Dee x

Pee

How about assertiveness training? I did some at uni, although I needed a refresher course about a year ago, it helps for a few years!! Some of us are naturally inclined not to ask for much and to try to help others, it makes us nice people and some people will treasure us because of this, others will take advantage and we need to learn to stand up to them and let them know what we need or want and what we are prepared to accept. It's really easy, except that putting it into practise is hard.

Is it an option to move elsewhere? Might you be ready for something new? The difficulty is that you may behave in the same way in the next house, causing the same problems to arise. Would a shared house with boys and girls suit you better? (It did me.)

But counselling through the GP or the SU is the way forward, i think.

Good luck.

mummy_Jay

I just wanted to say I too went through hell with the girls I lived with at uni too.

The best thing is what you have already recognised widen your social circle, a part-time job would be a good start, but how about joining a club or fittness group or maybe even volunteering something completely separte from your housemates.

I also found the only way for me was to plan to save up and get a place on my own. This really helped me. Set yourself a goal and focus yourself on getting it.

On the other hand look at your diet, I know this may sound a little strange but you need to consider alcohol intake as it is a depressant and look at how much fresh fruit you intake, as things like bananas are suppost to be happy fruit that can boost your mood. A properly balanced diet and regular exercise will help control the depression, along with finding yourself a circle of friends you can really talk to outside those you are living with.

Big hug

bestpud

mummy_Jay wrote: »

On the other hand look at your diet, I know this may sound a little strange but you need to consider alcohol intake as it is a depressant and look at how much fresh fruit you intake, as things like bananas are suppost to be happy fruit that can boost your mood. A properly balanced diet and regular exercise will help control the depression, along with finding yourself a circle of friends you can really talk to outside those you are living with.

Big hug

Gosh yes, I second that!

I find my diet has a massive impact on my mood. Have a look at this site Jen: http://www.mind.org.uk/foodandmood/

Glad you found the counsellor helpful and are making headway with your friends.

Good luck with your exams too!

top_drawer_2

hi again,

When I think things are !!!! they really are but then it gets worse.

There's quite a few alliances in our house and there's two groups really between us. On friday one of the girls who is kind of in my group announced she was moving out and then yesterday the other girl I also get along with decided that she would move with her to be her lodger. This leaves me stuck with the other three who although I get along on a day to day basis with, its not a two way relationship as in I sat and listened patiently last night while one of these girls fumed about how rubbish her life was etc but it doesnt seem to work the other way. When one of the others was ill (depression/manic) I sat and listened to her, gave good advice, was patient and kind to her but she is the one who tells me Im bringing the house down. These three are also planning a holiday abroad at the end of summer, it just seems that Im yet again the one being left behind with no-one.

Last night when this girl was letting off steam some of the stuff she said was really not nice, it seems she resents the two girls who are moving out as neigher of them works F/T hours, one due to disability and the other due to only working part-time. I also dont work, looking but also hoping to finish my exams in August. She also said how she would love to spend time working on her emotional problems, going for counselling etc but she has to work and pay off debts so cant afford it. The whole conversation seemed to be about her a lot of the time and her problems with her family etc.

Please answer, I feel so alone now. I dont have anywhere to go to get out of this house and i'm going to have to put up with these people until the end of the month at least as theyre contracts dont end until then.

MH

Dee123_2

TD, I'm so sorry i missed you and that I wasn't around today to respond to you because it sounds like you really need some support.

What I'd like you to do, if you don't mind, is write down now three ways you can meet other people. Other friends will give you a) a reason to get out of the house b) someone to talk to when you feel like this c) some perspective on what idiots these girls are and d) possible options for moving out. So, could you maybe do some volunteer work? Or join a free social group based around a hobby/interest?

Honestly, I think a part of you wants to be accepted by these girls and get support from them but they just don't sound like they are the kind of people to give you that. They sound like idiots.