i DONT WANT TO BE HERE

top_drawer_2

hi Dee,

I could certainly do with something at the moment. I went on a day out with a environmental charity on Wednesday and it was good to get out of the house. I am not a big outdoors person so the rainy and wet weather was not fun for me. I hate being horrid but the people I met on that day were nice enough but did not show much potential to become anything more. They were all men, aged 30-40's and mainly seemed to be there as either community service or because of longterm mental health problems.

I go to a sewing class and I enjoy it but the other ladies are all 50+, I just cant seem to a) meet suitable people and b) make a connection with them. I just seem to tar everything and it becomes ruined and dark as I feel.

The people in the house can on one hand be really supportive and kind, this is the other side of it. I never seem to make any really truly nice people, individually all of these people are great but this is what happens when alliances form and everyone looks after themselves. If I could hold my own with them then I think I could be ok but I often feel outnumbered by them.

Jen

Dee123_2

Can you remind me, was it financial reasons that stop you from looking for a room in another shared house?

Have you thought about a part time job in a pub or something? It would get you out the house away from the girls and you'd meet younger people.

Somehow, you need to put yourself in a position to meet people more likely to become friends. I totally hear what you are saying about the people in the groups you already tried but don't be too dismissive, for example according to age. Your best friend ever might turn out to be 10 years older or 10 years younger. I think it's a problem I had when I was younger, I always wanted friends who were as much like me as possible, when actually it's fascinating to get to know people who are majorly different. It makes them interesting!

As a word of praise, I think you've done well with the things you've already tried.

By the way, have you got more counselling planned?

top_drawer_2

Dee123 wrote: »

Can you remind me, was it financial reasons that stop you from looking for a room in another shared house?

Have you thought about a part time job in a pub or something? It would get you out the house away from the girls and you'd meet younger people.

Somehow, you need to put yourself in a position to meet people more likely to become friends. I totally hear what you are saying about the people in the groups you already tried but don't be too dismissive, for example according to age. Your best friend ever might turn out to be 10 years older or 10 years younger. I think it's a problem I had when I was younger, I always wanted friends who were as much like me as possible, when actually it's fascinating to get to know people who are majorly different. It makes them interesting!

As a word of praise, I think you've done well with the things you've already tried.

By the way, have you got more counselling planned?

Hi,

Financial reasons and that I seem to have these type of problems wherever I go in one form another, I just seem to do something to people to have them treat me like this.

I have looked at various jobs and at the moment anything would do .... It just seems to be a cycle that I cant meet people as I dont know many people (and the ones I do lack something).

I have another session on Tuesday.

Jen

Odette

From what I have read of your posts, you are your own worst enemy. If you maybe started having a PMA everything gets alot easier i swear.:rolleyes:

RadoJo

It sounds to me as though you are too willing to believe the worst of people and assume that their actions are designed to hurt you in some way, when the truth it that most of the incidents you have described could be attributed to someone having a bad day, thoughlessness or just plain not realising that you feel hurt.

For example - you said that you had alliances in the house, which is only natural, but when you can see an alliance that doesn't include you, you take it personally, as though the others decided to exclude you deliberately. You have to accept that friendships naturally evolve and people often don't give a second thought to whether they are being 'fair' or not because friendships aren't about being fair - if you want something you have to go and get it, and if you feel as though you're being excluded, see if there is anything you can do to include yourself a bit more.

I'm pretty sure that your housemates aren't out to get you - if they have said things which make you feel bad, then you can either take it to heart, assume it was a deliberate attempt to hurt you and hide away, or you can treat yourself better and speak to them. I would bet that 90% of the time, comments you have taken personally were not intended that way, or at least were designed to instigate conversation about how to improve things in the house, but because you find it hard to address issues, the festering and low opinion you have of yourself gets fed instead of overruled. If you could make a resolution to try and express yourself then you would find that people respond positively - your housemates probably have no idea how unhappy you are, and wouldn't want to be the cause of it. But if they make arrangements and you don't ask to join them, then next time it probably won't even cross their minds that you would like to go. People generally take the path of least resistance - if you don't say or do anything, then a) they won't even know there's a problem and b) there's no way they can remedy it for you.

You seem like a very nice person from what you have posted on here, but I think you need to give others the opportunity to prove they are the same by inviting yourself out when you're up for it, asking for what you want, and generally treating yourself how you want them to treat you - being down on yourself won't make anyone happy. Good luck - I'm sure you can do it!

JOANNESAPHINE

I really feel for you and relate to a lot of what you say. I also suffer from depression and anxiety problems which have been on and off since my difficult childhood. I think sometimes when you are in the thick of your worries all the time ie in the house, for me it has been when I've been at work, sometimes you need to be out of the situation to get some perspective on what is going on. I know that it has certainly helped me to see things more clearly. Also CBT is very good for that too.

Dee123_2

RadoJo wrote: »

It sounds to me as though you are too willing to believe the worst of people and assume that their actions are designed to hurt you in some way, when the truth it that most of the incidents you have described could be attributed to someone having a bad day, thoughlessness or just plain not realising that you feel hurt.

For example - you said that you had alliances in the house, which is only natural, but when you can see an alliance that doesn't include you, you take it personally, as though the others decided to exclude you deliberately. You have to accept that friendships naturally evolve and people often don't give a second thought to whether they are being 'fair' or not because friendships aren't about being fair - if you want something you have to go and get it, and if you feel as though you're being excluded, see if there is anything you can do to include yourself a bit more.

I'm pretty sure that your housemates aren't out to get you - if they have said things which make you feel bad, then you can either take it to heart, assume it was a deliberate attempt to hurt you and hide away, or you can treat yourself better and speak to them. I would bet that 90% of the time, comments you have taken personally were not intended that way, or at least were designed to instigate conversation about how to improve things in the house, but because you find it hard to address issues, the festering and low opinion you have of yourself gets fed instead of overruled. If you could make a resolution to try and express yourself then you would find that people respond positively - your housemates probably have no idea how unhappy you are, and wouldn't want to be the cause of it. But if they make arrangements and you don't ask to join them, then next time it probably won't even cross their minds that you would like to go. People generally take the path of least resistance - if you don't say or do anything, then a) they won't even know there's a problem and b) there's no way they can remedy it for you.

You seem like a very nice person from what you have posted on here, but I think you need to give others the opportunity to prove they are the same by inviting yourself out when you're up for it, asking for what you want, and generally treating yourself how you want them to treat you - being down on yourself won't make anyone happy. Good luck - I'm sure you can do it!

This is an excellent post and I thoroughly agree with all of it. It's all down to some bad thinking patterns (as I explained in an earlier post) and not because you are an unlikeable person. It's sometimes scary to consider changing how we think about situations because those patterns are there for a reason, some sort of self protection or trying to anticipate things going wrong early. But they are not at all helpful and put you through more stress than you need.

I know you can't afford treatment at the moment but something to consider for when you start working. It's a worthwhile investment.

top_drawer_2

hi,
I have upcoming exams and I just cant concentrate at all at the moment. Today has been awful; I just cant rid of the same thoughts going round and round in my head. I've decided to just stop in bed and watch tv rather than struggle on with work for uni as I end up achieving so little and feel frustrated that I have spent an entire day working on something.

J is angry at the moment and I guess she has reason to be as on the surface things seem so much easier than they feel they are for her. She is highly qualified in her field and is currently doing a job which wouldnt challaege a monkey, she will have to move location to be in with a chance of getting something in her field. I can understand how she feels but it doesnt feel good to have it aimed in any way at me.

I am on AD's, 40mg of serterline but have only been for 13 days so they havent had much chance to do anything yet. In relation to moving home, this is pretty much a repeating pattern in every shared house Ive lived in up to yet. I don't think I could cope with living alone as I wouldnt see anyone from one week to the next as I have so few friends. Part of me feels really angry that the two who are moving out havent asked me, theyre moving into a house together and until the second girl decided to join her there was a mention of more than one other friend of hers being involved in this house. I really though I had finally managed to make a friend. If I had the opportunity then I would love to live in a more homely set-up, they have to funish this house and I would love to be able to choose my own funiture and decorate, have a proper say in things and ot have to negiate with so many other people on things.

Yesterday the landlord came round to show the two rooms which are now available and I made a comment that it was best that he found someone from outside the house as there has been a mention of a friend of two of the girls who already live here moving here. The gist of the conversation seemed to be that he seems to think its all about compromise and I really felt he was saying its me that needs too. I can honestly say all I ever seem to do is compromise, not say what I want too, put up with things etc but other people don't manage to afford consideration for others. He came round awhile ago and spoke to one of the three regarding the problems which have flared up in the house, I feel that he has completely the wrong impression of what is going on in the house and it just feels so damm unfair. He also seemed to relate me not being currently employed to a lot of the problems which again I feel is completely unfair.

Last night I tried to talk to J about some of what se said on Saturday. She is insistant that it isn't a case of the three of them, she even said that if anything she has more in common with me than the third girl. I didnt say then why is it the three of you going away on holiday as that sounded just wrong and like I was trying to get an invitation. Its not a case of the holiday or anythin like that, its more that it symbolises the friendship they have and stuff. I am just as nice and J was saying what a lovely person everyone thinks I am (all of them apparently, and that S wouldnt allow anything bad to be said about me etc) but then why am I not invited? and why do I not a have a queue of people wanting to come round, go out with, go on holidays etc with?


Thanks for listening,

MH

RadoJo

Oh top Drawer, you poor thing! It sounds as though your situation is spiralling out of control a little bit. I understand how it feels, but honestly, you can change things, take back a little control and make life better for yourself - you have the power inside you, you just need to believe in yourself a little, or at least fake it until you feel it.

With regard to your housemates who are moving out - did you express a desire to move? Did you ask any casual questions about how much room there was in the house? I do understand that these things can seem daunting to ask and feel pushy, but at the same time, they may not have even considered that you would want to move in with them, so while you're feeling hurt and rejected, they are probably completely unaware that this is how you feel.

Similarly, with regard to the situation with your landlord - it may feel to you as though you compromise all the time, but unless you say out loud 'I would prefer things to happen like this, but I am prepared to accept x, y and z' then nobody knows you're compromising - they probably assume that you are perfectly happy with the arrangements/situation.

Because you don't speak up, nobody knows how you're feeling, and whilst I understand that it's hard to say what's on your mind, you can't expect everyone to either know what you're feeling/thinking or to constantly ask you - you get to an age where people assume that you will speak for yourself, and although I can see how that is difficult for you, unfortunately unless you summon up the courage to do it, your thoughts and opinions won't get taken into account.

I really do understand how daunting it can be to speak your mind - it might be easier to leave a little note when you really can't face it, but unless you make the effort to communicate with people about how you feel, they will assume that you're fine.

Similarly, you say there's no queue of people waiting to spend time with you, but it takes a while for someone to go from 'acquaintance' to friend, and if one person has to do all the running, it will fizzle out really quickly. But almost everyone is pleased to be asked out for coffee, or to lunch - maybe you could use the fact that there are two spare rooms as a way to a) get a conversation started with someone who might need a room and b) find a new housemate that you already have something in common with.

It's so easy to type this onto a screen, and I know that it's much harder to actually implement a drastic change in your outlook, but what if you try just one step at a time - give yourself a challenge for the day, even something small like smiling at someone that you see around a lot but have never spoken to? Or asking your landlord if you can add some personal touches to your current room? Something which makes you feel as though a change has been made, which will encourage you to take the next step and the next...

top_drawer_2

RadoJo wrote: »

Oh top Drawer, you poor thing! It sounds as though your situation is spiralling out of control a little bit. I understand how it feels, but honestly, you can change things, take back a little control and make life better for yourself - you have the power inside you, you just need to believe in yourself a little, or at least fake it until you feel it.

With regard to your housemates who are moving out - did you express a desire to move? Did you ask any casual questions about how much room there was in the house? I do understand that these things can seem daunting to ask and feel pushy, but at the same time, they may not have even considered that you would want to move in with them, so while you're feeling hurt and rejected, they are probably completely unaware that this is how you feel.

Similarly, with regard to the situation with your landlord - it may feel to you as though you compromise all the time, but unless you say out loud 'I would prefer things to happen like this, but I am prepared to accept x, y and z' then nobody knows you're compromising - they probably assume that you are perfectly happy with the arrangements/situation.

Because you don't speak up, nobody knows how you're feeling, and whilst I understand that it's hard to say what's on your mind, you can't expect everyone to either know what you're feeling/thinking or to constantly ask you - you get to an age where people assume that you will speak for yourself, and although I can see how that is difficult for you, unfortunately unless you summon up the courage to do it, your thoughts and opinions won't get taken into account.

I really do understand how daunting it can be to speak your mind - it might be easier to leave a little note when you really can't face it, but unless you make the effort to communicate with people about how you feel, they will assume that you're fine.

Similarly, you say there's no queue of people waiting to spend time with you, but it takes a while for someone to go from 'acquaintance' to friend, and if one person has to do all the running, it will fizzle out really quickly. But almost everyone is pleased to be asked out for coffee, or to lunch - maybe you could use the fact that there are two spare rooms as a way to a) get a conversation started with someone who might need a room and b) find a new housemate that you already have something in common with.

It's so easy to type this onto a screen, and I know that it's much harder to actually implement a drastic change in your outlook, but what if you try just one step at a time - give yourself a challenge for the day, even something small like smiling at someone that you see around a lot but have never spoken to? Or asking your landlord if you can add some personal touches to your current room? Something which makes you feel as though a change has been made, which will encourage you to take the next step and the next...

hi,

I feel so strained its hard to much as smile at all at the moment. I think they know that I would have liked to have been asked to be honest but my current problems impact a lot on other people and they feel they would prefer to not have them.

I do state what I want (or at least most of the time), but I often feel like I am constantly finding fault because one person seems to cause a constant round of problems (cooking at 4am, throwing strops about things but then doing the exact same thing herself i.e leaving washing drying on the radiater for 4+ days, banging around at night, fighting with her mum outside). I do speak to her about these things but it feels like she just says Oh yes, sorry about that.... then we wait for her to do the next thing. I often feel that anything I say just gets lost into space and wont matter an iota anyhow.

I just want to feel better and I don't know if the problems are causing me to feel this way or I am feeling this way and would be worrying about something else if it wasnt this. I am going to try and make my room more homely but I dont even know where to start as I dont have much money at the moment - I could really do with a job but getting motivated to go on the never ending search is hard as I know how depressing that is alone; looking for work, getting no responses and no interviews or interviews but no offers... also I have 5 exams starting on the 20th August so time is an issue too.

Life just feels so hard at the moment, I really need something to go right but im not seeing any chance of improving.

Thank you for replying, its nice to just get rid of this stuff from my head and know someone is listening somewhere. I feel like people would think I was as mad as you can be to think half of this stuff.

Jen