Destructive teen

MRSTITTLEMOUSE

the_rottweiler wrote: »

Please get real on this. your little boy has gone, he is now a man, probably bigger than you and you are scared of him.
He has obviously got away with a lot up till now, but you really have to get hard with him.
Report him for criminal damage, if the police remove him so be it. Would you accept this carp from a husband or partner.
He needs a kick up the butt now before he gets into major trouble and if Mummy always lets it go because she is scared of his reaction others will be subjected to his behavior
I am talking as a parent to a nearly 17 year old and 16 year old

I have to agree here.
Your'e asking for trouble if you let him get away with anything else.
There may come a time he may do something that you can't control and the police are going to get involved anyway and then you won't be able to help him.
How will you feel if he does something nasty to someone else just because he's always got away with it at home and knows no boundries.
I have three grown up daughters and five grandchildren,three of them in their teens and in my experience with teens you have to use "tough love" as they call it to be kind realy.
It always hurts you more than it hurts them that's the trouble but they have to learn what the score is otherwise life's going to turn sour for them anyway.
Take care........

Mrs_Thrify

Sending huggs, toddlers and teens always see how far they can push...
Is there just the 2 of you in the house? it sounds like tit for tat going on. One does something and the other retaliates, this needs to stop.
From experiance I need to tell you it is time for the relationship to change.
Instead of a mother and son role you now need to move on to being best friends and start to help each other.
A tack you could use is to wait until he needs your help and then talk about the need to help each other.
Unless things have got to a point of no return I would not show him the door. Children need to know they can always come home.

Curv

Anyone got any suggestions for the appropriate course of action if a 14 year old was doing the same thing? End of the tether is fast approaching...

Primrose

Your son has caused malicious damage to your garden. I know you say you don't want to involve the police but if he is capable of doing this to his own mother he is equally capable of doing this to somebody else who upsets him and I think he needs to be reined in pretty quickly. Talk to the police and ask if they will get somebody from your local Neighbourhood Police Team to come round and give him a stern talking to. This may bring him up short and make him realise that you are not prepared to stretch your disciplinary boundaries. You say this is the latest in a long line of incidents. How much longer are you going to put up with being abused by a 17 year old yob, which is apparently what he appears to be turning into? Make a stand now, and if he won't toe the line, ask him to move out. He might find he won't be quite so cocky when he's standing on the doorstep with a suitcase in front of a locked door. You're not going to get your little boy back while you continue letting him behave like a bully. You're just condoning his behaviour, and I suppose when he has assaulted somebody else because they've upset him you're going to say "But he's a good boy really." Make a stand now. Pack a suitcase for him and have it ready and waiting in the hall with the addresses of a couple of local Bed and Breakfasts, and tell him that "If you ever treat me like that again, you're out!". Being afraid of your 17 year old is completely unacceptable.

feelinggood_2

When did this sort of behaviour start? Do you think there might be an underlying problem - Mental Health issues, abandonment, traumatic experience?

BitterAndTwisted

Curv wrote: »

Anyone got any suggestions for the appropriate course of action if a 14 year old was doing the same thing? End of the tether is fast approaching...

Clearly-defined boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour with absolutely crystal-clear and irrevocable sanctions if transgressed, hopefully with mutual agreement between you and child about EXACTLY what is expected and write it down so no room for argument later. A united front from all responsible adults in the home. If no improvement, serious consequences. Make sure you hit him/her where it hurts: if a sports-lover, no sports. Ensure child's friends are aware of punishment and the reasons for it. A bit of shame for being bad and school-mates knowing why might tip the balance in your favour. Like toddlers, ALWAYS praise for good behaviour and thoughtfulness. If all else fails, talk to your local bobby about having an informal chat with your child about long-term consequences of bad behaviour and criminal records etcetera.

Easy to say: hard to do, I know

Curv

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Clearly-defined boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour with absolutely crystal-clear and irrevocable sanctions if transgressed, hopefully with mutual agreement between you and child about EXACTLY what is expected and write it down so no room for argument later.

Check.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

A united front from all responsible adults in the home.

Check.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If no improvement, serious consequences. Make sure you hit him/her where it hurts: if a sports-lover, no sports. Ensure child's friends are aware of punishment and the reasons for it. A bit of shame for being bad and school-mates knowing why might tip the balance in your favour. Like toddlers, ALWAYS praise for good behaviour and thoughtfulness.

Check check check. All of which lead to an escalation in aggressive reaction.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If all else fails, talk to your local bobby about having an informal chat with your child about long-term consequences of bad behaviour and criminal records etcetera.

Next transgression, this is what I'll do.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Easy to say: hard to do, I know

Thank you for acknowledging that. And I'm pretty tough and 'no nonsense' in my parenting! Heaven knows how some gentler souls must feel...

fudgecat

Mother of two girls - one a teenager (18). I sympathise with your dilemma, but the reality is that you are a woman being manipulated and abused by a man and if you let this situation develop you are allowing this pattern of behaviour, which will be repeated with girlfriends, wives and daughters in the future, to flourish.
Arguments, shouting, even the spontaneous smashing of an object by him would be worrying enough, but the cold premeditation and destruction that you write about with the weedkiller I found distressing.
He needs to respect you as his mother, as a woman and as a person (added my husband). He needs to learn that actions have consequences. He needs to understand that reward -financial or otherwise must be earned. To this end you will need to practice tough love and it is hard when every instinct in a parent it to ease the way and give to your children. If he cannot respect your boundaries then he must leave. If his father will not take him in, then his father is making him homeless. Any further damage must be reported as criminal damage to the police. There is a worrying trend among teenage boys attitude to women - do not contribute to it.
Sorry to go on and I hope that the situation improves for you.

BitterAndTwisted

Curv wrote: »

All of which lead to an escalation in aggressive reaction.

Lordy, teenagers are just taller toddlers sometimes, aren't they? I'm not sure what to suggest other than reassuring your darling that you really do love him lots and that the punishments aren't revenge, just a way of allowing you all to live together in harmony. What about some legitimate outlets for aggression and/or anger-management?

Sometimes I'm truly grateful I never had any children of my own. I don't think I could have managed with the stress and the responsibility

Primrose

fudgecat makes a very valid point about your son having the potential to continue his abusive behaviour with girlfriends, wives or daughters if he is not curbed now and taught that these kinds of reactions are totally unacceptable. I realise how difficult it must be to treat your son with tough love. Do you have any strong-minded male friends or neighbours who can take him aside and put to him this point of view. He make take it more seriously if it comes from somebody other than his mother. You don't say whether he's still at school or not, so I don't know whether anybody with influence at the school might be able to take him under their wing for some guidance. I think you now have to grasp this nettle without delay and make it clear to your son what the consequences will be if he doesn't change his attitude. And get that suitcase packed anyway, just so that he realises that this time you really mean what you say.