Destructive teen

Frustratedmother

My 17 year old son poured weedkiller over my garden tonight to punish me for disciplining him. This is the latest in a long line of incidents where he has damaged property to "teach me a lesson". I've reduced his pocket money so many times it's like he now owes me! I'm a single mum and his dad is not supportive. I feel like I've lost control here. My sister says I need to involve the police but I want to try to avoid that. Has anyone got any helpful suggestions? Or a big hug even.

creased-leach

Certainly have the ((hug)). I think it may be time to pull the rug from under his feet & suggest that if he damages your stuff again, he needs to find somewhere else to live...and mean it.

whitewing

I agree with getting him to move out. He may appreciate the value of things a little more then. You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes.

globalds

Tell him to go and live with his old man ...
Tell his old man he is going to get a great opportunity to up his parenting skills ..
You have some serious problems here if you don't solve this one now .
Not only for yourself but for any future daughter in laws.

Spirit_2

As the saying goes "you can love them, but you don't have to like them".

Good for you for continuing to set boundaries despite a catalogue of revenge incidents.

What is your ultimate sanction? Other posters have suggested moving him out but they would be a very brave step..........I know I could'nt do it. If not this then what?

Hug on it's way........((hug)).

Frustratedmother

globalds wrote: »

Tell him to go and live with his old man ...
Tell his old man he is going to get a great opportunity to up his parenting skills ..

His father won't have him - he has a new partner and it's her house. Allows him to visit but won't have him to live with them.

And that means that if I put him out I am really putting him out!

Frustratedmother

Spirit wrote: »

As the saying goes "you can love them, but you don't have to like them".

Good for you for continuing to set boundaries despite a catalogue of revenge incidents.

What is your ultimate sanction? Other posters have suggested moving him out but they would be a very brave step..........I know I could'nt do it. If not this then what?

Hug on it's way........((hug)).

Thanks Spirit.

I just don't know what my ultimate sanction would be. Truth be told I'm a little afraid of him when he loses it. He's man sized and I'm afraid he'll hurt me in a rage. If he does we'll be in a place we can't get back from.

I want my lovely little boy back.

arkaussiecat

felt i had to reply, sorry for your situation, having been there and experienced similar, i can empathise with you.
at the end of my tether one day after my daughter had verbally abused me yet again, i snapped, she was going to visit her dad and i made the very hard decision there and then that she wasnt coming back, neither of them had a choice in it. he was told it was his turn to do some parenting and she was told she wasnt welcome till she changed her ways, ( i cried for days!)
thankfully he stepped up to the mark, and after 3 long, very difficult months i agreed to her return, she realised mum was no longer a push over and was a different person,
it was the hardest thing i ever hard to do in my life, but for my sanity i had to do it.
your ex may refuse to have him, but i think if you stick to your guns he will feel obliged to take him in.

good luck with it all xx

the_rottweiler

Please get real on this. your little boy has gone, he is now a man, probably bigger than you and you are scared of him.
He has obviously got away with a lot up till now, but you really have to get hard with him.
Report him for criminal damage, if the police remove him so be it. Would you accept this carp from a husband or partner.
He needs a kick up the butt now before he gets into major trouble and if Mummy always lets it go because she is scared of his reaction others will be subjected to his behavior
I am talking as a parent to a nearly 17 year old and 16 year old

lolababy

He is seventeen and should be earning his own money not getting pocket money from you. Its time he grew up, and, time you stepped back.

Id stop doing his washing ,cooking and cleaning up after him. He needs to understand that you earn respect and that your not there to be disrespected or have your property destroyed.

Id sit down with him and have a discussion on what you expect from him. He in return can tell you what he wants from you. Draw up house rules that each of you can follow. Have consequences if the rules are not followed. Stick to your guns and dont let him walk all over you.

Can your ex partner help with his behaviour. Maybe take some time to talk to him/spend quality time with.

moggylover

Frustratedmother wrote: »

Thanks Spirit.

I just don't know what my ultimate sanction would be. Truth be told I'm a little afraid of him when he loses it. He's man sized and I'm afraid he'll hurt me in a rage. If he does we'll be in a place we can't get back from.

I want my lovely little boy back.

This one says it all! You have really got to find the strength to tell him quietly when he is in a nice mood that you cannot go on living with him under your roof if you are going to be threatened in this way and that you will have no option but to ask him to leave if he does not straighten out.

Is there anything else going on in his life that could be causing this acting out? I ask because it seems that you had a good relationship before, and because it seems also that you have always made your boundaries clear and carried out sanctions rather than just threatening and it seems a new kind of behaviour which could be down to something else that has happened in his life.

Have a huge hug from me, I have two boys and I don't think I could bear it if this happened to me when they get a little older so I guess you are probably breaking your heart over it. Perhaps he knows that and is enjoying the power trip, which makes me ask what makes him feel so powerless in the rest of his life.

Is he still in school? Does he have a teacher who deals with Pastoral care as they may know if there is any bullying or anything that might have caused him problems.

Good luck with the situation.