I want to split with my husband - scared of all the implications

Tia_Maria06

Hey Kent, emotional abuse is bad too... there is just no need for it!

If you arent happy then why hang around. Things will be tough at first, just try and research everything, which sounds like you are on the practical front, and then try get family and friends to support you andalso let your doc knbow, you dont want to end up ill over this, and then take a deep breath and get happy!!

xmaslolly76

www.entitledto.co.uk

Kent put all your details in there and it will tell you exactly what you would be have each month :-)

I know what you mean Tia it took me 4 yrs of thinking and thinking some more before i finally decided to go. I think there is a point of no return and i hit it one day i woke up and actually said to myself out loud i cant do this anymore after that there was no stopping me. I have been lucky in the fact that the split was amicable to a degree and the kids have managed to keep a very good realtionship with their father and we both work hard to maintain that now.

x

Tia_Maria06

Its awful isnt it Xmas, i have had 2 violent marriages, a couple of bad relationships, emotional abuse being one of them, (they must see me coming!) but i am stronger because of them, and i'm now on my own, happy most of the time its nice to have a cuddle or help round the house, but on the whole i would rather not have the hassle of a mean/moody fella round my neck.. there is so much confusion and soul searching before moving on, but in my case it was worth it!! Well done to you!! xx

Batchy

kent_lady wrote: »

I am shocked and astonished at the nastiness of some of these replies. How dare some of you judge me? You know nothing about my life with him beyond my OP, how dare you assume that I am only going to leave him to go to someone else?

Pssst - I am NOT afraid of being on my own, I am not leaving him for this other person. Actually it's men that never leave unless they have someone else to go to, don't you DARE patronise me!

Pinkshoes and Woody01, if all you have is nastiness and poison then f*ck off my thread - I was asking people for help, not to be judged. It's not Pot, kettle, black, what I didn't put in my original post is that this is not the first time I have had opportunity to mistrust him. He drinks to excess, he is moody and miserable and opiniated and perhaps the fact that another man has kissed me means that I am not happy where I am and I am acknowledging that fact and doing something about it, not embarking on an affair! So are you telling me that you have never made a mistake? I don't think so somehow.

I always thought that MSE-ers were a helpful bunch, not nasty mudslingers. For those of you that replied with constructive comments, I thank you with all my heart. For those of you who had nothing to say except that it's all my fault, go away and get a life you sad losers. As I said, you know NOTHING of what I have had to put up with from him apart from the relevant bits that I put in my post so don't take the moral high ground, ok?

Don't want to get into an argument here, just thought i'd add something thou since it is a public board.

Some people are mean, and some others will just say what you don't want to hear.

If you told your Partner whats happened as you have done to everyone on here, do you think he would be: patronising, tell you to sling it, or offer to sort it out and make you happy again?

Cause basically thats your starting point, if you can't be honest with your partner, then you have no future. Trust is everything.

Does he know that you chat with others online? Does that make him insecure? Is he thinking the same as you, wants to end it, but doesn't know how.

Just be careful when chatting to people online, and meeting them, it might seem like a fairy tale but in reality, you will always be worried when your with them, then they are being quiet and then spending too much time on the computer. Insecurity...

If your looking for a sympathy vote, then i'd add further details ... and ommit other ones for the sake of your sanity.

People will only judge based on what you have written, so your FACTS.

I feel sorry for your position, is there a problem with drinking if he isnt abusive, or violent... is being quiet so bad? I dont agree with drinking every night, as you say. Its not healthy... maybe he has underlying problems that he wont open up about. You guys need to talk!

Good luck

kent_lady

I think there is a point of no return and i hit it one day i woke up and actually said to myself out loud i cant do this anymore - do you know what, Xmas, I think that you have hit the nail on the head for me.....I think that I have reached that point because I have certainly said to myself that I can't do this any more....thank you so much for restoring my sanity and helping me realise that I am not the only person who's ever been in this dilemma!

Hugs to you and Tia_Maria for your supportive comments :-) xx

kent_lady

Thank you batchy. If I told him I think he would be....patronising, "yeah me too" kind of attitude (but nastily if you know what I mean) as he hates anyone to get the better of him and this is how he would view me saying that I want the marriage to be over.

The person (singular) that I chat with is someone I already know, I didn't meet him online, btw.

Do you know, I think perhaps he (OH) wants to end it too but doesn't know how...I'm not sure, this is just a feeling. And I agree that we should talk but it just feels like we have done SO much talking and nothing has changed - the silent treatment when he's in a mood has been going on for the whole of the 7 years that we have lived together. Obviously it's not constant but when it happens it affects the whole mood of the home.

I wasn't looking for a sympathy vote, but I was shocked (and upset) by some of the nasty comments.....I think people come to MSE for help , advice and support and feel that there was no need for some of the posters to slag me off like that....! :-(

Thanks for your comments...

Hintza

kent_lady wrote: »

The person (singular) that I chat with is someone I already know, I didn't meet him online, btw.

My one thought would be is this person the reason this is coming to a head? The grass is always greener etc.

You need to be able to answer that question and if the answer is yes then I think it could potentially be a mistake. A friend of mine's wife left her husband for a single bloke and needless to say he ran a mile.

Take your time about this and talk to some good friends who will give you solid support and good advice (especially those that might not agree with you) you need to think this through thoroughly and when you make up your mind make a clean break if that is wht you decide.


Make your decision for the right reasons, good luck.

bestpud

xmaslolly76 wrote: »

I think there is a point of no return and i hit it one day i woke up and actually said to myself out loud i cant do this anymore after that there was no stopping me.
x

That is exactly how it happened for me!

I spent many years trying in vain to save our marriage and make him sit up and take notice, but he didn't care (enough). He buried his head in the proverbial sand for too long and eventually I realised, as much as I loved him, I could not carry on in the relationship any longer.

And once I'd reached that point, no amount of acknowledgement/apologies/promises had any effect. I'd simply had enough of having it all thrown back in my face, because it's soul destroying being in a failing relationship when the other person says they care but will not work with you to make things better.

It really wears you down and only now can I see how exhausting it all was.

But anyway, enough of my story.

Would you look to rent a house then kent_lady? And if you did, would you need to apply for LHA or could you manage to cover the rent?

woody01

kent_lady wrote: »

I am shocked and astonished at the nastiness of some of these replies. How dare some of you judge me? You know nothing about my life with him beyond my OP, how dare you assume that I am only going to leave him to go to someone else?

Pssst - I am NOT afraid of being on my own, I am not leaving him for this other person. Actually it's men that never leave unless they have someone else to go to, don't you DARE patronise me!

Pinkshoes and Woody01, if all you have is nastiness and poison then f*ck off my thread - I was asking people for help, not to be judged. It's not Pot, kettle, black, what I didn't put in my original post is that this is not the first time I have had opportunity to mistrust him. He drinks to excess, he is moody and miserable and opiniated and perhaps the fact that another man has kissed me means that I am not happy where I am and I am acknowledging that fact and doing something about it, not embarking on an affair! So are you telling me that you have never made a mistake? I don't think so somehow.

I always thought that MSE-ers were a helpful bunch, not nasty mudslingers. For those of you that replied with constructive comments, I thank you with all my heart. For those of you who had nothing to say except that it's all my fault, go away and get a life you sad losers. As I said, you know NOTHING of what I have had to put up with from him apart from the relevant bits that I put in my post so don't take the moral high ground, ok?

True colours at last!
The swearing shows how you really are.
I said nothing to provoke nastiness. I DID however say things you didn't want to hear. If that's the case, don't wash your dirty linen in a public place.
No-one has judged you. They have responded to what you have written.
I quote:

But now, a friend of mine has revealed to me that he has feelings for me which he has had for a long time. All we have done is kiss

we have talked for hours on-line about all sorts of things including our feelings

He drinks to excess.
Christ i don't blame him! You moan about his infedelity and you are doing the same thing.

For those of you who had nothing to say except that it's all my fault, go away and get a life you sad losers

I can't hear these people bleating about their husbands sneaking off for a quick one whilst their Mrs is doing the same.

You need to look a bit closer to home before you throw accusations around.

Cheery_Daff

Oh dear ((((((((kent lady)))))))) a few hugs for you, you sound like you need them.

Sounds like you need a bit of help. Did you say you fancied counselling but he wouldn't go too? Get there yourself lass.

And can I be so bold as to recommend talking to someone in Al Anon? A support group for people who are worried about, concerned about, or bothered by, or being affected by, someone else's drinking. Don't have to label your husband, or yourself, but you will get some loving support from people who have had similar experiences. I speak from personal experience, I've been there 5 years, and many other areas of my life have been changed too

Whatever you decide, make sure you have people around you who support you. You don't have to put up with bad or neglectful behaviour, nobody does. But also, nobody can tell you what you should do, you know that I'm sure.

As for the children, what is it doing to them seeing their parents in an unhappy situation, or living in an unhappy home? Don't go on a guilt trip, but use what you think about that to form part of your decision.

Just a few random thoughts. I'd just say you're obviously not happy where you are. It's difficult when you find someone outside the relationship that is easier to confide in personally than your partner, but I reckon that means you are not happy, and you owe it to yourself, your husband and your children to make some kind of decision and talk about it with them

Good luck!

Daffs
xx