Smoking grandparents and small babies - any advice?

skintchick

tiamai_d wrote: »

But by the sounds of it Skintys in laws don't smoke in the house cos they'd get caught.

To clarify, it is my mother-in law and my own father who both have these crafty fags, so it is on both sides, it's just I can tackle my dad far more easily than I can my MIL, cos she gets very sensitive and can turn almost any comment into an international incident.

As for asking them to babysit at ours - we live 100 miles apart so it's not feasible.

I don;t know why MIL manages to smell worse than my dad after a cigarette, although my dad smokes menthols so they may be less strong perhaps.

I think perhaps we can start with hand washing and that may begin a conversation about it - I know at first they will visit at ours so it won;t be such an issue, but obviously we will have to go round theirs at some point.

I'm mostly concerned about Christmas, as this Christmas we went to BIL's house and his GF, her daughter, their random friends (that we didn;t even know were going to be at the 'family' lunch and who didn;t talk to us at all) and it seemed like everyone was smoking, despite the three-month-old baby being there, and I had to go and sit in another room as they refused to stop sparking up even though I asked them to because I was pregnant!

They would hold the baby in one hand and a fag in the other!

This year, there is no way I will allow that to happen with MY baby in the room so it could cause some friction.

At least my OH is passionately anti-smoking as a general rule, it's just he is sensitive when it comes to his family. (I suppose we all are though.)

Really good to get other perspectives on this, thanks for all the comments.

shellsuit

Skinty...

Me and Steve smoke (I'm back on them now, tsk!), my Dad smokes and my Mum smokes. Some Aunty and Uncles who visit smoke too.

NOBODY smokes in this house, not even me. Not even a crafty one.

I have antibacterial handwash and gel by the kitchen sink (we go out the back to smoke) and also a pot of mints.

Whoever goes out for a smoke, has to come in, wash their hands and take a mint. If they don't, they don't handle the baby. Simple.

Those are my rules and everybody has been perfectly fine about them and haven't taken offence.

The 20 minute thing is, apparantly, toxins from the smoke can continue to come from your breath for 20 minutes after having a smoke, so it's advised that you don't handle a baby in that time, but lets be honest, so long as people aren't right up close and face to face with the baby, it will be fine.

I think in your case (where you will be visiting), I'd take along some mints and handwash (keep them in your changing bag) and just ask if whoever, could use them before they handle the baby.

If they refuse, or mock, then they don't get to handle your precious little bundle!


P.S. I wouldn't visit anyone who I knew smoked in their home if I was taking the baby along. With you talking about Christmas and people smoking around the other baby, I just wouldn't go there again and if it causes upset then tough. Your baby is more important than people who can't either lay off the fags for a few hours, or have one outside instead.

diable

Ask anyone who smokes to visit your house and don't take your child to a smokers house, give clear printed instructions on when they should have their last fag before arriving at your house, simple.

emlou2009

i think the guidelines are a little OTT personally and another way of the government trying to make people stop smoking, in the same way that IMO the guidelines on preparing baby formula are so strict to encourage people to breastfeed. i am a ex smoker myself but probably unusual in that dont have a problem with it at all, but i wouldnt want anyone smoking over my baby or in the same enclosed room. FIL goes outside, he is of a different generation where men didnt cuddle babies but if he did i wouldnt have a problem with it, its not like it happens every day. when i go to a friends place, who lives in a flat, she goes to the other end of the (very large) room and hangs out the window. a small amount does blow back in but since i go there for one afternoon probably once every 6 weeks i dont really worry about it. i'm probably going to get shot for saying that

Susan_Frost

If you dont want to leave baby with them, then dont. You will only feel upset and not enjoy yourself if you are out.

Dont set a precedent of them doing any babysitting. However, I guess it would be more difficult not to let them have a "hold", and I am sure baby will survive the odd cuddle or two.

However, also dont be letting them know how much your parents sit for you. There is no need to rub it in. Just dont talk about having gone out without baby, as far as you can.

Also, maybe get a babysitter for some occasions anyway, and you can refer to babysitter without stipulating who it is, even if it is your mum and dad.

As baby gets older you may feel a bit differently and you can see how it goes.

Must admit, if it really is the odd smoke in the fresh air, then surely the smell is minimal - though I know what you mean cos I can smell a cig at 100 paces and I dont like it.

The dog - well you can say you just dont want baby around dogs until it gets older. Will give you time to see how things go.

But dont let it be the cause of arguments with hubby. He probably agrees with you but will find it hard not to defend his parents somewhat.

Good luck

Bettyboop

I think you have every right to be anxious about this. Like us, we are non smokers and cannot stand the smell or stench it leaves in peoples homes. Therefore if you are a non smoker why should you baby be exposed to it. And before anyone gets excited yes a lot of people smoke and if you are walking around town it cannot totally be avoided. That said, trust your instincts if the grandparents want to look after the little one they could cut down again probably not easy or like you said smoke outside and ventilate their homes before you visit.

My OH's mother is a smoker and we did have fall outs about this but at the end of the day I see no reason for a child to get asthma or whatever comes with being around smokers all day... it's not worth it. Before we went on holiday he asked her if she would mind not smoking anywhere near our baby or in her house... because she loves them she understood our concerns and two weeks with us visiting didn't kill her but most importantly it's the little ones that come first and it's what's best for them.

My step grandmother on the other hand didn't give a hoot, her house was vile and it stank stale smoke. She refused to smoke outside and she actually at one point told me it smoke was good, it helps with the immune systems of children. Anyway we stopped visiting her and since a pile of others things has happened she has been disowned.

Do what is right OP and not what makes everyone else happy.

Bettyboop

diable wrote: »

Ask anyone who smokes to visit your house and don't take your child to a smokers house, give clear printed instructions on when they should have their last fag before arriving at your house, simple.

Really over the top diable. Let me guess YOU ARE A SMOKER and obviously offended by this!

skintchick

Susan_Frost wrote: »

However, also dont be letting them know how much your parents sit for you. There is no need to rub it in. Just dont talk about having gone out without baby, as far as you can.

Also, maybe get a babysitter for some occasions anyway, and you can refer to babysitter without stipulating who it is, even if it is your mum and dad.

Good luck

My parents won;t be sitting much as they also live 100 miles away, in the same town as the in-laws. I don;t imagine it will be too much of an issue in terms of baby staying over until it is older as I can;t imagine leaving it until it is about 1 anyway, but after reading the Gov advice I was concerned that the smoke is dangerous even on clothes.

Hopefully we will be able to find a gentle way forward.