The right time to have a baby

MrsTinks

I think Feely has probably asked some very good questions and having followed her along her pregnancy I know how hard it's been at times and I think sometimes still is - despite her beautiful baby boy
As she points out - not all pregnancies are simple and straight forward - I had morning sickness that had to be controlled with medication after ending up in hospital with severe dehydration at 6 weeks - this lasted till about 20 weeks - that's 4-5 months! Some get it all the way through... then I had hip and back problems that made working extreemly challenging and resulted in me being signed off sick for several weeks... Other people have had it even worse with SPD.
Then again people have totally troublefree pregnancies too But I think you have to look at different scenarios and work out "IF it happened like this - how would we cope and what would we do?"
The mental health problems - I would discuss these with your healthcare provider before getting pergnant - if you are on medication it would probably need to be stopped, how long would it take to stop? How would you cope? Would the pregnancy hormones and the mood swings affect your condition?

Good luck whatever you decide...

moneysaver12

feelinggood wrote: »

Can I ask what problems you have, and how stable you are? How long have you been stable? Are you on medication?

The reason I ask, is that having a baby is the single most difficult thing I have ever done. Because of my history of depression, PND was always likely. I didn't realise how hard it would hit, or how backwards I'd go. I had my anxiety fully under control before I got pregnant, but since I gave birth I had a significant relapse and I can barely put the bin out.

Do you think you can manage working/studying and having a baby? What about working/studying and being pregnant?

Pregnancy isn't always straightfoward. I couldn't work while pregnant, I had to nap several times a day because of morning sickness, then I couldn't walk, then I had high blood pressure and regular appointments.

Not all babies are easy and happy. Some babies don't take to being away from the mother, and not all babies take to nursery. You can't plan what sort of baby you'll have.

If you are unable to return to work, could your partner support your family?

I have been stable for three years now, i am on medication which the doctor started to reduce last year. I have been diagnoised with borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I have just been to see the doctor at the hosptial today and they continue to be pleased with my progress and they don't see any reason why i shouldn't have a baby. They have said that i can still take my medication. I know that pregancey is not easy. I have had children who are not with me, that is not my choice and i didn't do anything wrong to them, was situation at the time five years ago. I have discussed that with my doctor too and he tried to get an assessment from social services for me but they won't do it until i am pregnant.

I think that studying and having a baby at the same time would not be a good idea, so now thinking of taking a year out before uni or taking a year out before post grad. I think i could cope with being pregnant and studying. Thankyou for your help.

MrsTine wrote: »

I think Feely has probably asked some very good questions and having followed her along her pregnancy I know how hard it's been at times and I think sometimes still is - despite her beautiful baby boy
As she points out - not all pregnancies are simple and straight forward - I had morning sickness that had to be controlled with medication after ending up in hospital with severe dehydration at 6 weeks - this lasted till about 20 weeks - that's 4-5 months! Some get it all the way through... then I had hip and back problems that made working extreemly challenging and resulted in me being signed off sick for several weeks... Other people have had it even worse with SPD.
Then again people have totally troublefree pregnancies too But I think you have to look at different scenarios and work out "IF it happened like this - how would we cope and what would we do?"
The mental health problems - I would discuss these with your healthcare provider before getting pergnant - if you are on medication it would probably need to be stopped, how long would it take to stop? How would you cope? Would the pregnancy hormones and the mood swings affect your condition?

Good luck whatever you decide...

The doctor has said that i can still take my medication.

Dinah93

I don't think you need the extra stress of studying and having a baby at once with your history. Having a baby is difficult for anyone, I think when the time is right it needs to be your full focus.

moneysaver12

We have spoke again and have decided that i will start uni in september and we are going to try for a baby now and after my first year i will take a year out.

squirrelchops

Hi, I am in EXACTLY the same position but OH and I have decided to wit until i finish Uni next year then have a year at work as the first year is kind of a 'probation' year in my chosen profession so will have a protected case load etc. Also when I look on line at jobs they all want 'at least 1 years experience' so I feel it is prudent to get some expereince before coming off the labour wheel albeit temporarily!!!

I am 32 already so will be at least 35 before I have children but this seems the most sensible option for us.

moneysaver12

squirrelchops wrote: »

Hi, I am in EXACTLY the same position but OH and I have decided to wit until i finish Uni next year then have a year at work as the first year is kind of a 'probation' year in my chosen profession so will have a protected case load etc. Also when I look on line at jobs they all want 'at least 1 years experience' so I feel it is prudent to get some expereince before coming off the labour wheel albeit temporarily!!!

I am 32 already so will be at least 35 before I have children but this seems the most sensible option for us.

Good luck with it you are doing well. If i have a baby after my first year when i start back at uni baby will just be over one and by time i finish my post gard baby will be six and at school and i think it will then be easier to get my career started than baby been three year old and in nursery. Also it will give me chance to spend the first year with baby.

BeenieCat

moneysaver12 wrote: »

I have had children who are not with me, that is not my choice and i didn't do anything wrong to them, was situation at the time five years ago. I have discussed that with my doctor too and he tried to get an assessment from social services for me but they won't do it until i am pregnant.

Are you saying you want to try and get your other children back, but you can't be assessed as able until you get pregnant again? That seems a weird way to do it (on their part) if so!
If i've completely misread then my apologies

never_enough

I think that you're wise to try for a baby sooner rather than later if your health is not going to suffer. I don't envy you trying to start a degree with a baby, I know I could never have done so well having to do more than just study. I couldn't imagine having to do that with no sleep, childcare or illness issues etc However I also would not advise you to take a break between your undergrad & Phd. I have seen people do this & it's very hard to get back into it. There are also funding implications, many unis/funding bodies will not allow you to defer the start of a Phd.
You seem to assume that you will get pregnant straight away, but even with previous pregnancies under your belt this is not always the case for some people.
Don't count on getting into the uni creche, they're practically always oversubscribed.
It is possible for some women to have both a career & family. Starting at your age I think you need to be more realistic & not set yourself up for a fall. You could definitely study your first degree with the OU whilst being at home, you could do that part time. If you did your Phd with them it would mean being in Milton Keynes F/T. Have you thought about attending your local uni part time? I knew several women who studied around their family or a job.
I hope that this doesn't sound harsh, but you can't always plan things to happen exactly as you would wish. I wanted career & family, & had a lovely life, super career. Then I became ill out of the blue which lasted for several years & now it's too late to start a family. Try to focus on what you can't imagine living without & see if that helps.
Good luck!

moneysaver12

BeenieCat wrote: »

Are you saying you want to try and get your other children back, but you can't be assessed as able until you get pregnant again? That seems a weird way to do it (on their part) if so!
If i've completely misread then my apologies

Hi i can't get my children back as they have been adopted. When i do become pregnant social services will be involved because of my children been adopted and they will want to do an assessment to decide if i get to keep the baby.

never_enough wrote: »

I think that you're wise to try for a baby sooner rather than later if your health is not going to suffer. I don't envy you trying to start a degree with a baby, I know I could never have done so well having to do more than just study. I couldn't imagine having to do that with no sleep, childcare or illness issues etc However I also would not advise you to take a break between your undergrad & Phd. I have seen people do this & it's very hard to get back into it. There are also funding implications, many unis/funding bodies will not allow you to defer the start of a Phd.
You seem to assume that you will get pregnant straight away, but even with previous pregnancies under your belt this is not always the case for some people.
Don't count on getting into the uni creche, they're practically always oversubscribed.
It is possible for some women to have both a career & family. Starting at your age I think you need to be more realistic & not set yourself up for a fall. You could definitely study your first degree with the OU whilst being at home, you could do that part time. If you did your Phd with them it would mean being in Milton Keynes F/T. Have you thought about attending your local uni part time? I knew several women who studied around their family or a job.
I hope that this doesn't sound harsh, but you can't always plan things to happen exactly as you would wish. I wanted career & family, & had a lovely life, super career. Then I became ill out of the blue which lasted for several years & now it's too late to start a family. Try to focus on what you can't imagine living without & see if that helps.
Good luck!

Thankyou for your help. I didn't know that about the funding, thankyou for that information it helps, i have been trying to do research in to funding etc for a phd and what results i need. I know that it could take a while to get pregnant will have to see how that goes. I am feeling excited at the thought of having a baby and so is my fiance, i can't imagine not having a baby.

never_enough

moneysaver12 wrote: »

Thankyou for your help. I didn't know that about the funding, thankyou for that information it helps, i have been trying to do research in to funding etc for a phd and what results i need. I know that it could take a while to get pregnant will have to see how that goes. I am feeling excited at the thought of having a baby and so is my fiance, i can't imagine not having a baby.

You need to have a first or a 2i to get onto a PhD course. You can bump up your undergrad mark by taking a Masters course (1 year), so could still try for PhD funding even if you got as low as a 2ii. However PhD funding is incredibly hard to secure (I tried for 3 years) & self funding can become the only option.[this can be approx £5K to £12K for each of your three years, depending on uni] However my husband often finds it difficult to fill his PhD studentships with good enough candidates & that's at the best uni in the world! Its different for different (study) areas though, so please don't be put off.
It might be worth talking to someone at your uni, they should have a careers person. They may think that you're getting ahead of ypurself talking about a PhD before you even start your first degree, but if you need it for your particular career path it's not so unusual.