The right time to have a baby

bandraoi

so you have the baby now and it messes up your third year in college,
or you wait, but then it would mess up your two year post grad
or you wait some more and then what?
After the post grad you're going to want to get a foot onto the actual career ladder for a year or two before you have the baby, at which point you're getting extremely pushed for time.

I'd actually have the baby straight away, aiming to take a year out from college to do it. It'll be tough, but people are tough, you'll cope.

And like it or lump it, from an employers point of view a married 30something with a four year old about to start school, just finished a post grad, is probably the most attractive of the resulting options.

Poppy9

What career are you hoping to have? Does it need a degree or can you go straight onto studying for a professional qualification with your current qualifications.

I have a friend who spent 3 years in college studying accountancy but then had to spend another couple of years obtaining an accountancy qualification. She could have gone straight onto the accountancy qualifications and saved herself a couple of years.

Dinah93

What qualification are you looking to do? If you want the baby maybe you could do something through the OU so you can fit it around when the baby is awake etc. Is the post grad a definite requirement? Could you take a few years in between the undergrad and post grad? End of the day if its going to be 5 years until you finish even studying, let alone finding a job you'd be about 37 before you can start trying. I'd say that's pushing it. Either delay going to uni for a year and try for the baby now, or rethink your career plans and go for something that will require less training in order that you can have a family.

Sadly time is not on your side, and women might want to have it all but circumstances like your illness crop up and we have to accept that. You need to decide what your priorities are and from there you will know how to move forward.

moneysaver12

becs wrote: »

32 isn't old to start trying and I can't see the point in planning to have a baby whilst trying to do a degree course just seems total madness.How many degree students do you see either pregnant or with babies? I would say the two are not compatible, of course there are those for whom it is not planned and they do get through it but I'm sure if you ask them if they could do it again would they have waited, that the answer would be yes.

From doing my access course a lot of the people on it had children and are going to uni this year. I can see that it would be very difficult to study and have a baby. I feel torn between the two.

teacherandmum wrote: »

i did my degree and my masters before i was 25 and wasn't in a serious relationship. now i've got a career and a husband and a 2 year old and plans for another, i still work full time but am doing a basic class teacher job and not looking to gain promotion and further my career. if you have a baby during your degree/phd etc you may just want to spend time with your baby and your studies may be the last thing on your mind. and finances will be very tight if you are studying and paying chilfdare. you really need to decide baby or career now and keep evaluating as time goes on. there never is a right or wrong time in a good relationship . just imagine next month you found yourself pregnany by accident next month - what would your reaction be?

If i got pregnant by accident i would be very happy. Part of my reason for wanting a career is so i can fiancally support a child.

Poppy9 wrote: »

While delaying for you studies is a good idea are you positive you can actually get pregnant. You usually have to be trying for over 12 months before you can be referred for fertility treatment. If children are that important to you it's something you need to consider.

As far as iam aware i can get pregnant.

moneysaver12

skintchick wrote: »

I know you WANT both, but is it right and fair on you, your OH and your potential baby to HAVE both? Personally, I think not.

In your oP you said you are 30 now, and that you start uni this year on a three-year course, and that you then want to do a post-grad course which will be a further two to five years of study.

You will then, worst-case scenario, be 38, and best-case 35.

You then want to get a job and work on your career.

Say you have a baby now. Aside from the considerable difficulties of having a baby while studying at degree level, you will then have a four or seven-year-old when you start your career.

This will raise issues of being there for the child before and after school at a time when you will need to be throwing yourself into your work to prove yourself.

Do not underestimate the abilities of employers to be completely unhelpful on these things.

You say you will put the child in daycare, but then I feel, and this is very much my personal opinion, that there is little point in having a child at all as for its formative years you will be either studying or working while it languishes in childcare.

You don;t say whether your OH is prepared to go part-time or be stay-at-home in order to look after the child, and that might be an option.

Another thing to consider is his age. Sperm deteriorate after 40 so the longer you leave it the worse it will be, in the same way that our eggs deteriorate after 35. It doesn;t mean you won;t get pregnant, it just increases the risks of various things being 'wrong' with the baby. It's something to bear in mind.

And if you wait till you finish your study to have a baby, you will be maybe 38, your OH 48, very late to begin trying, and then will have a small baby to contend with while you attempt to work full-time.

I really do think that it you are determined about the study and career, the kindest thing is not to have a baby, and if you are determined about the baby then you will have to give up the big study and career plan.

I know people do it, but putting a child in daycare from very little is not ideal. Babies are not accessories to our lives, they are important little people who deserve the best we can give them.

I can see where you are coming from.

oystercatcher wrote: »

I too think it would be extremely foolish to plan a baby in the middle of a degree.

Just being pregnant will seriously impact on your ability to study, never mind coping after the baby is born. You say you have had health problems, I don't know what these are but being pregnant could cause these problems to reoccur. Some women spend months of their pregnancy sitting in hospital, have a premature baby which spends weeks in SCBU.

This is worst case scenario of course but just pointing out that these things can't be planned to just fit in with a degree and exams. Never mind being able to time a pregnancy to fit in with the start of an academic year !! Read any trying to concieve thread and you will see that it's not always that simple to concieve.

That being said I do understand, totally, how it is being broody and the feeling can't just be swept away.
Various options occur to me, delay baby until after course. Delay course until after baby. Plan to have a year out of course to have baby and readjust to life as a parent.
It might be worth chatting to your GP to see if your previous health problems are likely to have any impact on a pregnancy.

Remember to start taking folic acid well before trying to concieve !!

My health issues are mental health. I just feel so torn.

moneysaver12

bandraoi wrote: »

so you have the baby now and it messes up your third year in college,
or you wait, but then it would mess up your two year post grad
or you wait some more and then what?
After the post grad you're going to want to get a foot onto the actual career ladder for a year or two before you have the baby, at which point you're getting extremely pushed for time.

I'd actually have the baby straight away, aiming to take a year out from college to do it. It'll be tough, but people are tough, you'll cope.

And like it or lump it, from an employers point of view a married 30something with a four year old about to start school, just finished a post grad, is probably the most attractive of the resulting options.

I think that i need to speak to my oh about this again.

Poppy9 wrote: »

What career are you hoping to have? Does it need a degree or can you go straight onto studying for a professional qualification with your current qualifications.

I have a friend who spent 3 years in college studying accountancy but then had to spend another couple of years obtaining an accountancy qualification. She could have gone straight onto the accountancy qualifications and saved herself a couple of years.

I either want to work in psychology or counselling so do need the degree and post grad. The course i would be studying is psychology with counselling.

Dinah93 wrote: »

What qualification are you looking to do? If you want the baby maybe you could do something through the OU so you can fit it around when the baby is awake etc. Is the post grad a definite requirement? Could you take a few years in between the undergrad and post grad? End of the day if its going to be 5 years until you finish even studying, let alone finding a job you'd be about 37 before you can start trying. I'd say that's pushing it. Either delay going to uni for a year and try for the baby now, or rethink your career plans and go for something that will require less training in order that you can have a family.

Sadly time is not on your side, and women might want to have it all but circumstances like your illness crop up and we have to accept that. You need to decide what your priorities are and from there you will know how to move forward.

Its an idea about either taking a year out now or inbetween degree and post grad. Im not sure if i can do a ou would need to look in to it.

Want to thankyou everyone for your help.

mumps

I don't think there is ever a right time. Had my first as a teenager, two more and then last one when I was pushing 40. All wanted, all drive me mad at times, all were exhausting. Studied and got qualifications when first two were small. It just seemed normal to me and I got on with it. Good luck with your decision.

Alia_Idaho

i know that a lot of people have said that you just gotta take the plunge but if you're still in college and you try to get pregnant, there might be a chance that you won't get to finish your studies. 2 years may be fine so you'll have some leverage as you have a degree by then but waiting till you get a post-grad may be a little too late. both of you aren't getting any younger and you gotta consider the effects it may have on your baby if he or she has parents that are too old (and grumpy) to care for her as she grows up.

moneysaver12

mumps wrote: »

I don't think there is ever a right time. Had my first as a teenager, two more and then last one when I was pushing 40. All wanted, all drive me mad at times, all were exhausting. Studied and got qualifications when first two were small. It just seemed normal to me and I got on with it. Good luck with your decision.

Thankyou for your help.

Alia_Idaho wrote: »

i know that a lot of people have said that you just gotta take the plunge but if you're still in college and you try to get pregnant, there might be a chance that you won't get to finish your studies. 2 years may be fine so you'll have some leverage as you have a degree by then but waiting till you get a post-grad may be a little too late. both of you aren't getting any younger and you gotta consider the effects it may have on your baby if he or she has parents that are too old (and grumpy) to care for her as she grows up.

We have talked again and think that it would be a good idea for me to either take a year out now or a year out when i have finished my degree, not sure which to do thou. Thankyou for your help.

feelinggood_2

moneysaver12 wrote: »

My health issues are mental health. I just feel so torn.

Can I ask what problems you have, and how stable you are? How long have you been stable? Are you on medication?

The reason I ask, is that having a baby is the single most difficult thing I have ever done. Because of my history of depression, PND was always likely. I didn't realise how hard it would hit, or how backwards I'd go. I had my anxiety fully under control before I got pregnant, but since I gave birth I had a significant relapse and I can barely put the bin out.

Do you think you can manage working/studying and having a baby? What about working/studying and being pregnant?

Pregnancy isn't always straightfoward. I couldn't work while pregnant, I had to nap several times a day because of morning sickness, then I couldn't walk, then I had high blood pressure and regular appointments.

Not all babies are easy and happy. Some babies don't take to being away from the mother, and not all babies take to nursery. You can't plan what sort of baby you'll have.

If you are unable to return to work, could your partner support your family?