**Weekend Chat Thread 27/28 June **

schoolrunmum

Though we had a heatwave...DH just texted from Dubai-it's 44C there!!!!!

jinky67

daphne_descends wrote: »

Jinky! :kisses3: where are you these days? Hmm stressed, yes, depressed? Oh probably. V hard to admit though. I have had a few, uh, close to the edge moments of despair but then when they're over it's SO easy to ignore and pretend it didn't really happen. Something has to give but what?
I dont tend to post here much anymore, living elsewhere on the here now, but I do still read:D I am worried about you you know:o

And Sally thank you for caring, I wish I was on more to be honest to try to give advice to others, I do read but often just lurk I hate feeling like a leech...

Nothing wrong with lurking, but that doesnt mean you are like leech hun. I still can PM anyone on here and get advice or whatever even when I dont post, so dont ever feel like you cant:A

daphne_descends wrote: »

Thanks Ames, I know you are right - I feel I have lived 'with' depression my whole life and usually spot the warning signs, and for the last few years I usually have felt able to tackle it in the early stages, when that 'can't be bothered' feeling is just beginning rather than dominating. With a baby I always feel scrutinised by doctors etc as it is and you fear giving them ammunition. I have tattoos and I have scars from self-harm as a teenager (something I really HAVE left behind) and just feel so judged.


Honestly no-one is gonna judge you, if you feel you need some help just ask, there is no shame in doing so:cool:

Ok. I feel sick but going to say it anyway. Then am REALLY going out there, had to help OH get DS ready, they've gone on a boy's trip to the park. A month ago I was pregnant and I had my booking in appointment and was going to book my scan... then it ended. Physically was rough, mentally tried to focus on the good stuff, my god it has made me appreciate DS about ten billion times more and how much he still needs me, how much HE is still a baby... so tried to focus on moving on and changing my life for the better. Holiday was healing, OH and I talked about it a lot, but think we tried to leave it behind, if you see what I mean. We went to Weymouth one day and when it was time to drive back to the cottage (an hour away) I just couldn't get in the car. I told him to take DS and keep him safe and just leave me there. I shouted at him to get in the car and to please drive off and leave me there with nothing, nothing, and just go. I have no idea what I was planning. I wasn't really thinking, I just wanted my baby safe and happy and not with a sad mummy stopping now as I am crying and maybe running (walking :rolleyes: ) will clear my mind. I am sorry. It is a beautiful day, not a day for this.

:grouphug::grouphug:

skint_spice wrote: »

DD, please go back to the docs - if you didn't like the last one maybe there is someone else in the practice you can see. You are going through a lot and I'm glad you are talking to OH but these things don't go away on their own.

Hope the run/walk helps. But come back here and post whenever - there's usually someone around to listen. Take care. x

I agree with Skinty, please please go back to Docs:o:A

becky_rtw

InkyCats20 wrote: »

Becky - always meant to ask - what was your previous avie ?
I'm sure once you tell me it'll be blindingly obvious :rotfl:

Well nobody knew before - It was Vivi from one of the final fantasty games

Toto

daphne_descends wrote: »

Thanks Ames, I know you are right - I feel I have lived 'with' depression my whole life and usually spot the warning signs, and for the last few years I usually have felt able to tackle it in the early stages, when that 'can't be bothered' feeling is just beginning rather than dominating. With a baby I always feel scrutinised by doctors etc as it is and you fear giving them ammunition. I have tattoos and I have scars from self-harm as a teenager (something I really HAVE left behind) and just feel so judged.


Awww thanks SRM, I like you too hope the hangover eases, they always seemed worse to me in hot weather <distant memory>

Ok. I feel sick but going to say it anyway. Then am REALLY going out there, had to help OH get DS ready, they've gone on a boy's trip to the park. A month ago I was pregnant and I had my booking in appointment and was going to book my scan... then it ended. Physically was rough, mentally tried to focus on the good stuff, my god it has made me appreciate DS about ten billion times more and how much he still needs me, how much HE is still a baby... so tried to focus on moving on and changing my life for the better. Holiday was healing, OH and I talked about it a lot, but think we tried to leave it behind, if you see what I mean. We went to Weymouth one day and when it was time to drive back to the cottage (an hour away) I just couldn't get in the car. I told him to take DS and keep him safe and just leave me there. I shouted at him to get in the car and to please drive off and leave me there with nothing, nothing, and just go. I have no idea what I was planning. I wasn't really thinking, I just wanted my baby safe and happy and not with a sad mummy stopping now as I am crying and maybe running (walking :rolleyes: ) will clear my mind. I am sorry. It is a beautiful day, not a day for this.

Oh bless you DD. First of all let me say that you have recognised that you are depressed and that is a huge leap forward. No one is going to do anything other than offer you the help you need. No one is going to judge you or care about scars. The fact that you are asking for help proves that you are thinking about your son and doing your best by him. You have lost a baby, that is awful and painful and it's no wonder you feel the way you do.

Today seems to be a day for me to share stories from my life and this is one I am going to tell you now, something I don't talk about much to be honest.

In 2001 my children were not living with me, they were living with their father and the 'nanny' (his now wife) in Ireland and I was going through a horrible international court case to get them home. Years of living with this man had left me a shell of a human being, I had been emotionally battered to the point that I felt unable to function as a person at all. He had a lovely home, a relationship with the 'nanny' money in the bank and was an all round 'perfect' father (sarcasm alert). On the other hand, I was broke, single, depressed and not much use to man nor beast. On top of that mum was dying of breast cancer. It was all a very bleak and dark time in my life.

One day, just after mum passed away and the court case was drawing to a close (I was losing it) I was driving up to Birmingham to see my very close friend (who is a doctor). He was my total rock during this time and I spent most weekends with him when I wasn't working. It was pretty late on the friday night and I was doing 80 odd up the M1. All I remember seeing through my tears was the car headlights coming in the other direction and I remember seeing the barriers seperating the two sides of the motorway. I remember thinking to myself, one little turn of the wheel to the right and I would crash into that barrier, it would all be over in a couple of seconds and everyone's life would be better, not least my kids.

Something stopped me though and I made it to Birmingham. I sat with my friend and crumbled. I told him how I just didn't have the strength to fight on any more.

We got into his car and he drove to a place high up, somewhere in a woodland type place where you could look down on birmingham, see the cars and the lights and the people going about their lives. He said to me, look at them, I wonder what's going on in their lives, I bet some are sad, some are feeling at the end their tether, some are happy, some are feeling on top of the world. All of them have one thing in common though, they all are feeling that life is worth living and even though they might be scared or depressed they all see that tomorrow is a fresh day and a fresh hope. So, jump if you want to, but try to see their hope before you do.

Obviously I didn't jump, and I did go and see the doctor with him the next day. I was terrified. I knew that in the eyes of the court this would be the final nail in the coffin as far as getting my kids back. Who in the name of god would let 3 children go home to a mum who was such a mess. I was scared I would never see my babies again.

I told the doctor everything, about losing the kids, mum dying, the whole sorry mess, I was expecting him to put me in a straight jacket and lock me up there and then. But he said, 'do you think that doctors aren't normal people? Do you think that we never get depressed? One time I almost took a cabinet full of sleeping tablets when my girlfriend left me just before my final medic exams. Life and stress gets to everyone, no matter who they are, and every single person out there at one point in their lives have felt desperate and as if they can't go on, that's a part of living'.

The trick is to see what the problems are and to find a way to fight your way through it. So, you might need a few little pills to help with the chemical stuff which causes depression. Not really a big deal. I was on anti depressants for 2 years quite recently.

But, you are not the only one out there who has a history of being depressed, even the most emotionally together, sucessful person you can think of will at some point have felt as if they can't do another day. No one will judge you, no one will think you can't look after your son and no one will think anything of the physical scars you might have. The fact is that you did get in the car in weymouth and you are sitting here today. So you owe it to yourself to give yourself another chance at being happy.

Make an appointment with the doctor and even though it's scary tell him or her how you really feel. Take the help because that's what people want to do.

Things are rarely as bad as they seem though. In the end I did lose the court case, but within 6 months all of my chidren were back here living with me. That's another whole epic of a story but the point was I found a new fight in me and in the end I won.

Find your own fight again sweetie because the rewards are way beyond what you imagine they will be.

Ok, I will stop boring everyone with my life now

InkyCats20

becky_rtw wrote: »

InkyCats20 wrote: »

Becky - always meant to ask - what was your previous avie ?
I'm sure once you tell me it'll be blindingly obvious :rotfl:

Well nobody knew before - It was Vivi from one of the final fantasty games

Oh that's ok then - don't feel so dippy now :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

scaredy_cat

DD, have you thought of having berevement counselling? Cruse has lots of branches.

InkyCats20

Blackruby has posted on her diary this morning

Thought I'd let you all know, as few people were asking after her

scaredy_cat

Toto, your writing is beautiful, and i have been following your blog. Have you thought of writing a book about your life with Fragile X?

Lucifa73

DD - to be frank I had read between the lines of a couple of previous posts and put two and two together. It is so brave of you to post about your loss and is a big step forward. Reading about how you are feeling right now is like reading about myself just 3 weeks ago. I finally broke down in the HV room when I took Nathan in for his innoculations and they decided not to do them because he had been under the weather for a couple days. She just said 'and how are you' and the flood gates opened:o I was referred to the doctor the same day, she listened very openly to all I had to say and knew what questions to ask to get me to open up. I have been on antiDs almost 3 weeks now and I feel more like the old me. I wouldn't have taken that step without the support of this forum.

With regard to running - the doctor actually recommended I keep it up as it is a natural remedy for depression. As for building up distance - I went from barely managing 3km to clocking up 7km runs in 4 weeks. I just listened to my body - in fact the biggest hurdle was a mental one of 'I'll never manage that far' so I started telling myself - just the next corner, just the next lamp post etc until I built up confidence;)

As for not going to meets - I haven't been to one yet. I was ready to go to the one in Glasgow last year and wimped out at the last moment:o

You have been of great help to me since I joined the forum and I really missed you when you weren't posting. We are all givers and takers on here at different times. That is what it means to be friends :grouphug: xxx

postingalwaysposting

daphne_descends wrote: »

And Sally thank you for caring, I wish I was on more to be honest to try to give advice to others, I do read but often just lurk I hate feeling like a leech...

DD, I lurk too, a lot. The only threads I always post on is my own and cd... however I wouldnt class any lurker as a leech. Anyhows who know's who is lurking The problem is you can lurk on any thread anywhere on the web and knowone will know so how is that being a leech? I take so much from the daily thread but I dont post much because I either feel too young, too boring or stupid however that doesnt mean I am extremely gratefull to all of those who do post. One day I will make it up to those who I have learned from and teach them all something... however any forum is a bit of give and take, only one day you may do more taking than giving ~ but thats ok

Toto, have you got your pc sorted?