would you ever disown your mum???

Kaz2904

My mother is an awful person. She threw me out 2 days before my 16th birthday and took all of my belongings to the local tip. I came home from school to find that I had the clothes I was standing in (and it was non school uniform day :eek:). I wasn't allowed in the house that night so my friends Step Dad just told me to get in the car and took me back to theirs. He was raging and went and had a big discussion with his wife (friends Mum---- gave my friend and I a pack of fags and told us to stay outside).
He then took me to the police station that night to report theft but we were told it wasn't theft as I was <16. I went back to theirs that night.
When I went back to school the next day I was lucky to find that my sister had sat on my book box (brave move for her) and said it was all her stuff. So my school stuff was ok. She'd brought me in some of her undies to wear too.

Their neighbour took me in (someone was looking down on me) and I stayed there to take my GCSE's. I then moved to be with my Aunty and Uncle down south. They are the best parents you could want and have had my sister and I at many stages through our childhood due to my mothers drunkenness. My Uncle gave me away at my wedding and my Aunt was told that no matter what she would be sitting in the mother of the bride spot (strangely she had no competition for that).

My children call them nanny and bumpy and they are their grandparents. To the extent that DD said very loudly at my sisters wedding "Mummy, who's that lady?" ...."Which lady?"......."That one, the one with the beautiful shoes?"......"She's your granny".... "Oh. Why?".. "What d'you mean why?"..... "Why's she my granny?"....."Cause she's my Mother, you've met her before"....."Oh. She's got beautiful shoes. Where's Nanny? You said Nanny and Bumpy would be here!!!"

She kind of got the message across far better than anyone else in the family had ever managed to.

I always thought that I must be somewhat to blame but not long after I went to live with my Auntie and Uncle, my Uncle (mothers Brother, slightly autistic) phoned and asked to speak to me. He said that my granny would have turned in her grave if she'd known how we were treated as children.
Long long afterwards, after I had had DS we were all in Scotland on holiday and met up with our other uncle who we very rarely see. DD was 2 and DS was weeks old. Both he and his wife commented on how lovely it was to see that I genuinely loved my children not like my mother.

I just have to pay my mother back the money I owe her (guilt money) and then I'm not tied.
My father................................ even worse!

mandi

xmaslolly76 wrote: »

You will keep going back chick time and time again until you make a decision to change the cycle you just have to decide which method you want to take in doing so.

Its not easy even though i cant stand my mom i will always deep down feel sorrow and loss for what we never had and love her in some strange way.

You are the only person who can decide what will be best for you and your family in the long run. :-) xx

That sounds so like something I would post .Its been over Ten years now , since I spoke to my " mum "

I made the decision, after going back , time & time again . Nothing changed , and as much as I wanted her to love me , it just wasnt to be.

She has cancer , but I still despise her , and feel no sympathy.

MRSTITTLEMOUSE

Reading through these posts saddens me.
It makes me feel better in myself knowing that I was'nt the only one who had a mother like this but it still makes me very sad.
I'm in my mid 50s and for years I've lived my life thinking I must have had something wrong with me for my own mother to never have loved me but I realise now that it was'nt me it was a failing on her part.I was a child and not responsible.
The one good thing that came out of my own bad experience was that I loved my own children without question.I wanted to be the mother my own never was.
In some ways that made it worse for me as the love I had for my girls made me wonder even more how my own mother could have none.
My grandmother who brought me up had a saying "if you could choose your family like you choose your friends,life would be so much easier".That's so true but surely you expect a mother's love to be unconditional.
Just what's wrong with these women,to be like this with their own children?.

Steel_2

Sagaris wrote: »

Steel, you don't know me and I find your comments unneccesary.

It's a well known fact in the family that my daughter won't pay for anything - I've never made comments to her about it! Her actions are obvious for all to see.

I have NEVER made snidey comments to my children - they were not bought up that way! Their father, however, continually belittled them from day one - and left me to sort that one out with school counsellors etc.

They both attended university and gained good degrees (which I supported them in doing - hence I find myself 10k in debt which I am now clearing).

It's not just me they have 'dropped', it's the whole of my side of the family - surely we cannot all have 'undermined their confidence', as you would have it?

The reason for their behaviour is probably that I have re-married (well after they had both left home) and have a life again, which I have never excluded them from, but obviously after 12 years of being a single parent, they are now resentful that I am not their sole property to run around after them, and bail them out financially.

Please don't make assumptions if you don't know the full facts. I would do anything to have them communicate with me again, but at the end of the day it's their choice and I have to respect that.

Sorry sagaris. You're right, I did make an assumption and I apologise for that.

It's interesting though that their father belittled them as children. They may in part blame you for that. I certainly blame my mum for her choice of partner, who she admits she didn't have the strength to leave even though she knew how damaging his behaviour was, and some others in the family for not taking him to one side and pulling him up for it, even though they would tsk tsk at his comments towards us. As far as I'm concerned, my mother put appearances and "marriage" above the welfare of her daughters. Her using the excuse that people married for life back then just doesn't cut it with me.

My sister still suffers crippling self-esteem issues and is grossly obese as a result. Then she married a man just like him so the agony could continue.
Through almost 10 years of hard self-analysis and work I now have enough confidence to tell my father to stuff off and then go about my own life, but it's taken a long time. There was a period of three years I didn't have much to do with either of my parents while I was working through things. I wanted to throttle the pair of them and couldn't be in the same room with them. Your children may be going through something similar themselves.

As for your daughter being mean, she may have good reasons. She may fear being poor and is clinging to everything she has. Maybe one of your ex-husbands comments triggered something off in her. She may be using money to insulate and protect herself from everything and everyone. She may even be in a very poor financial situation that no-one knows about (and be on these boards as a result!).

*****

Sorry OP for highjacking your thread.....

McKneff

Reading through these posts saddens me.

Me too, Mrstittlemouse, me too.

We just have to hope that they are all better people either because of it or in spite of it.

Its my thoughts personally that the way life has treated us right up to a moment ago makes us the kind of person we are now. Regards to all.

xmaslolly76

Mandi its been almost 10 yrs for me too now other than the odd family gethering usually funerals when she couldnt be avoided i have had no contact at all. the whole family feel the same way about her and most now keep their contact with her to a minimum, it has meant that i have lost out on a lot of things with my siblings as they have no choice but to deal with her as their father is still married to her but they know i am there if they need me and my relationship with my dad (grandfather) has just got stronger ever since.

squirrelchops

Hi all, a very interesting thread.

Although I haven't had half the issues some of you have had with your 'Mothers', I do empathise.

I recently started counselling for the second time for an unrelated issues but all stuff to do with my mother is at the heart of it. I didn't realise that when as a teenager she would be sulky or angry with me for no reason and i questionned it she would say 'huh it's all in your head'. Fast forward nearly 20 years and it is only now I realise that i have never been able to trust my own emotions or feelings with people as think it is 'all in my head' as i was told so often. The issues this has caused at work, with friends and relationships has been HUGE as I have never been able to relate to people well. however, it is getting much better.

I also feel that as my Dad died when I was a baby i HAD to get on with my mother. She even admits that if he had been alive I would have been a 'Daddys girl'. She didn't get on with her own Mother and I feel the issue has hence continued through the generation.

When she agggrevates me now I find it best just to distance myself. this is easy as I live an hour away and we aren't a regular phone call type of family. Once we went on holiday together and she upset me so much i didnt get in touch for 4 months. Harsh but it was the only thing that worked for me to be in control of the situation.

I know some people find it hard to understand why relationships breakdown particularly with Mothers. The way i see it is that we are all individuals. Just becasue some gave birth t o you doesnt give them automatic immunity over how they behave and indeed what type of relationship, if any you have as adults. Again harsh but that is how I see it.

ladylumps45

well ive been on the phone to my mum this evening for a general chat to see how my nan and her are doing.
she got on to asking if anything horrible has happened to my dad yet and his "!!!!!" as she puts it! i said no and then she wished death on him.
i told her that if he died then she would no longer get half his private pension each month as my dad has given her this ever since they split and she also got 100,000 pounds!
she soon got angry with me and told me to go and run to daddy!
mum is very money orientated and is a very wealthy woman but so so bitter and twisted.
my eldest daughters dad and i split 7 yrs ago and i cant stand him but i would never take it out on my daughter for seeing him as i understand she loves him as hes her dad.in some ways i think its harder when parents split when the child is older as you tend to understand more than you do as a child.

SusanC_2

Steel wrote: »

It's interesting though that their father belittled them as children. They may in part blame you for that. I certainly blame my mum for her choice of partner, who she admits she didn't have the strength to leave even though she knew how damaging his behaviour was, and some others in the family for not taking him to one side and pulling him up for it, even though they would tsk tsk at his comments towards us. As far as I'm concerned, my mother put appearances and "marriage" above the welfare of her daughters. Her using the excuse that people married for life back then just doesn't cut it with me.

I bet you're right.