would you ever disown your mum???

ladylumps45

hi everyone
im so fed up this evening and wonder if anyone else feels the same as me with regards to their mother.
im 35 and shes 64 and all throughout my life my nan (shes 93 now bless her and lives with my mum)has been my "mum".my nan was always there for me in every way possible-an ear to listen to me,love,hugs,washing,cooking,everything my mum should have done for myself and my sister whos now 38.
to cut a long story short i was diagnosed with 2 severe illnesses a few years back and having a 12 yr old and a 13 month old is extremely hard.our youngest is a little miracle really but my mum never hepls us out and constantly demands.
i think deep down she hates me for seeing and loving my dad as they split up when i was 29 and she doesnt think i should see him as altho never proven she thinks he had an affair.i still love him.
ive had counselling and the lady basically told me that my mum should be cast aside as shes a nasty lady and im better off without her but i love her and also if i cut her off i wont see my nan.
my husband is wonderful and my kids are great but i have this sadness in me all the time alongside my pain from my illnesses and side effects from my meds.
in my eyes a mum should be there for her children to support them but mine never has and its always been the other way round as my husband takes her shopping etc.
i upset her last week when she wanted to come to hospital with me and i refused but in my mind i was thinking that she was never there for me when i was having all my diagnosis tests done so why bother now?
what would you do if you had a selfish, self centred mum like i have got but you love her too?

cheepskate_2

(QUOTE) ive had counselling and the lady basically told me that my mum should be cast aside as shes a nasty lady and im better off without her but i love her and also if i cut her off i wont see my nan.

What type of counsellor gave you this advice , they should not have gave any such sort of advice and are there to listen to you, not be so aggressive

searching_me

sounds very close to my mum which i disowned nearly 2 years ago to be honest only you can say when you've had enough my nan (mum to me) died in 2007 and my mother was quick to blame my nan for everything which is why i cant stand her ... comes down to what do you wanna do? id give it space for abit see if it not just a break your needing x

ladylumps45

it was the counsellor at my doctors surgery.

xmaslolly76

I do i have completly cut my real mom out of my life i have nothing to do with her at all. I was brought up by nan and she is the woman i considered to be my mom all my life unfortuantely she passed away earlier this year god rest her soul.

I must agree with Cheepskate that the councilor should never have said that to you they are there to listen and guide you so you come to your own conclusions not judge or tell you what you to do.

My own reasons for sutting my mom out are very different to yours she is an alcoholic and has been for as many years as i can remember she is very poisenous and distructive and is never happier than when she is making someone elses life a misery i was not going to let her do to my families life what she did to mine and my siblings. She has basically blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life since i was born as i wasnt planned and was born out of wedlock which back then was disgracefull. We will never have contact again.

Its not a decision you should take lightly though and i would urge you to try and get more help from a good councilor. There seems to be resentment on both sides and maybe if over time you can both open up about it and work through it you may be able to repair the damage.

Good luck x

Sagaris

No - I'd never disown my mum - although I have 'caught her out' doing/saying things behind my back!

However, my own 2 children have now disowned me - and I have no idea why! The eldest has let it be known to family members though, that I have 'affected her wellbeing so much' that's she's had to pay for counselling as apparently the thought of her having to see me makes her ill! Poppycock - the girl is so mean she won't pay for anything.

Regardless of what my mother has done in the past, she's the only one I've got and will ever have - and I'll always love her - even if she can be a bit 'trying' at times! Mums aren't around for ever - so best to look after them while we can!

ladylumps45

searching me,sounds like you been brought up by your nan too.sometimes i worry that i love my mum because i feel i have to.
alot of the time i only bother seeing her to see my nan.
i feel that if she loved me she would have been there for me all my life and now.sorry,im just feeling really low at the mo.
did you feel relieved when you went your own way?
i think i would but im too soft.

ladylumps45

thanks for the advice and replies.i do have resentment i guess as well as she does .ive always been compared to my sister ever since she got offered a uni place years ago.
ive never been good enough and everytime i see her i get snidy comments about my dad and his "!!!!!" as my mum puts it.
the fact is that his girlfriend(shes 73 lol)treats him better than mum ever did!
mum is bitter and nasty and i get hurt so much but i still seem to go back for more knowingly cos i love her.
i try and keep the peace as my husband says hes going to have words with her and i dont want that as i dont want trouble.

belfastgirl23

I'd say have a bit more sympathy for your mum - maybe she feels that your dad ran out and left her to shoulder all of the burden of bringing you up. It might not be fair or right but I guess until you've travelled in her shoes it's hard to judge her.

And she isn't perfect but then part of growing up is accepting that your parents make mistakes and are only human.

It's not to say you can't wish that some things were different but I don't think what she's doing is that terrible...although not that great either

xmaslolly76

You will keep going back chick time and time again until you make a decision to change the cycle you just have to decide which method you want to take in doing so.

Its not easy even though i cant stand my mom i will always deep down feel sorrow and loss for what we never had and love her in some strange way.

You are the only person who can decide what will be best for you and your family in the long run. :-) xx

searching_me

ladylumps45 wrote: »

searching me,sounds like you been brought up by your nan too.sometimes i worry that i love my mum because i feel i have to.
alot of the time i only bother seeing her to see my nan.
i feel that if she loved me she would have been there for me all my life and now.sorry,im just feeling really low at the mo.
did you feel relieved when you went your own way?
i think i would but im too soft.

i gave my mum chance after chance after chance she messed up so badly but i still kept trying i mean who doesnt want there mum but after the last time i just couldnt forgive her but my nan was the one always there for me and i was even there holding her hand as she past away .. my life is so such better without my mum you have no idea what shes done to me after the 500th time of forgiving her i realised she was never going to change but i made my feelings clear to her first before i did this maybe you should tell your mum exactly how shes made you feel before you do anything x