would you ever disown your mum???

Steel_2

ladylumps45 - just a thought, could your nan come and live with you?

lilacbelle

I totally understand what you are going through... I have also made the difficult decision of "disowning" my own mum. She has been manipulative my whole life, and it took me a long time to realise she is actually an alcoholic who blames everyone else for the mess her life is in.
After a few very strained years where I wouldnt always "comply" with what she always said (Im not very good at confrontation so my silence in these situations was all it would take for her to turn on me and remind me how worthless I am) my own wedding was the breaking point in the relationship. Because I wouldnt uninvite certain relatives from my dad's side (they are divorced) who she didn't like, she told me she would have her day and didnt care who was watching.
My wonderful husband then did what I didnt have the courage to do and ban her from our wedding. It was such a relief! She had managed to overshadow every other family event, everyone was always holding their breath and tiptoeing round her so she wouldn't "start".

I have avoided contact with her for almost 5 years now, apart from when my gran was ill and I had to bump into her. (She also made my gran's life hell). On these occasions I didnt have the courage to be rude or not talk to her, which I know sounds strange.
My beloved gran passed away a few months ago, and although I miss her terribly, I will now never have to face my mother again.
Her behaviour when my gran died (although in private, she was of course the grieving daughter in public) was so disgusting it just reinforced my belief I have made the right decision.
My children deserve a happy, peaceful childhood, not one filled with bitterness and arguements as our's was. That is my motivation whenever I "think too much" and question my choice. But I know I cant achieve a happy life with her in it.

Sorry for rambling! I hope you are able to make the decision that is right for you.

Sagaris

Steel, you don't know me and I find your comments unneccesary.

It's a well known fact in the family that my daughter won't pay for anything - I've never made comments to her about it! Her actions are obvious for all to see.

I have NEVER made snidey comments to my children - they were not bought up that way! Their father, however, continually belittled them from day one - and left me to sort that one out with school counsellors etc.

They both attended university and gained good degrees (which I supported them in doing - hence I find myself 10k in debt which I am now clearing).

It's not just me they have 'dropped', it's the whole of my side of the family - surely we cannot all have 'undermined their confidence', as you would have it?

The reason for their behaviour is probably that I have re-married (well after they had both left home) and have a life again, which I have never excluded them from, but obviously after 12 years of being a single parent, they are now resentful that I am not their sole property to run around after them, and bail them out financially.

Please don't make assumptions if you don't know the full facts. I would do anything to have them communicate with me again, but at the end of the day it's their choice and I have to respect that.

ladylumps45

thankyou so much everyone for your replies.i see there are many other people with problems with their mum.
steel- i would love my nan to live with me but i know she would never leave my mum and also she lives in a bungalow and couldnt manage stairs here,thankyou for the idea though.
ive thought long and hard and i have so many bad memories from my childhood-hiding under a table whilst mum was trying to drag me out to whack me because i had spilt cereal on the floor and my dog hadnt come quick enough to eat it!,her hiding her favourite food from us,never having friends round,being told off for starting a period and staining underwear,getting a smack for getting a clean plate out the cupboard.
soooo many things that when i look back would be classed as abuse today.
i will never turn my back on my nan as i love her dearly and at 93 shes not good.
i think maybe i should distance myself a little as others have said and when my dear nan is no longer with us then things will change.she has come to my house twice in 4 years as she cant be bothered.
i hope the problems others have had have not scarred too much?

Butterfliesarepretty

ladylumps45 wrote: »

hi everyone
im so fed up this evening and wonder if anyone else feels the same as me with regards to their mother.
im 35 and shes 64 and all throughout my life my nan (shes 93 now bless her and lives with my mum)has been my "mum".my nan was always there for me in every way possible-an ear to listen to me,love,hugs,washing,cooking,everything my mum should have done for myself and my sister whos now 38.
to cut a long story short i was diagnosed with 2 severe illnesses a few years back and having a 12 yr old and a 13 month old is extremely hard.our youngest is a little miracle really but my mum never hepls us out and constantly demands.
i think deep down she hates me for seeing and loving my dad as they split up when i was 29 and she doesnt think i should see him as altho never proven she thinks he had an affair.i still love him.
ive had counselling and the lady basically told me that my mum should be cast aside as shes a nasty lady and im better off without her but i love her and also if i cut her off i wont see my nan.
my husband is wonderful and my kids are great but i have this sadness in me all the time alongside my pain from my illnesses and side effects from my meds.
in my eyes a mum should be there for her children to support them but mine never has and its always been the other way round as my husband takes her shopping etc.
i upset her last week when she wanted to come to hospital with me and i refused but in my mind i was thinking that she was never there for me when i was having all my diagnosis tests done so why bother now?
what would you do if you had a selfish, self centred mum like i have got but you love her too?

Hey been there done that. I fell out with my parents last year. It was the last straw. My family sis and brother and parents and me are dysfunctional. My dad was beaten by his mum and so were his siblings, he hated her so much. She died before I was born. His dad died before I was born. My mum's siblings were brought up by her dad as her mum died when she was 11.

My dad is selfish and has been married to mum since 61 and my mum has had to do the shopping etc, my dad went to work. My mum had no time for us kids, she would say things like 'stop mythering me'. She told me once I would never get a boyfriend.

I stayed with them last year for 2 weeks while my house was re-done. when it came to leaving my mum did not want to help me clean my house (I live alone) and they have hardly visited in the last seven years. I have always visited them 4 miles away with my daughter. They never show an interest in my life, its same with my siblings. My sis is married and muslim and i fell out with her over her muslim preaching to me about girls in short skirts and vest tops being naked. My brother is like my dad and fell out with me cause I was favourite.

the last straw came when my mum made a comment to my daughter about visiting my mum. And I blew. later I sent an email voicing my feelings and disappointment in their treatment and lack of apology to my daughter.

I love my parents, but my mum never tells me when my dad has been to hospital, so I find out from someone else, she also complained to my sister when I sent her mothers day flowers this year. It was my birthday a week ago and I got no card from my parents but that does not surprise me because my mum makes no effort, eg last year she wrote the card out in front of me.

All their sisters and brothers are totally different and loving to their kids.
I would rather be with positive people than negative parents so I took the choice to not visit them anymore and let them come to me. I feel better without their negativity. So you are not alone there are many people who have these problems.:o

lilacbelle

I am 32 myself and our situation's sound similiar. My gran was the only link I had with my mum too. Although before my gran's health deteriorated she had also decided to have nothing else to do with her, there was little we could do to stop her on the rare occasions she did bother to visit her.
childhood memories I have are not great but if anything it has just made me determined to give my children a better, stable and happier life.
It does make me sad when I think of or see my mum, but that feeling has came after lots of other's such as hurt, anger, shame, regret etc. But I dont want to follow in her footsteps and live a life wallowing in self pity and anger at the world for what I dont have. Instead I choose to be very greatful for my husband, children, family and friends that I do have.

I hope you manage to get through this ok........... the best advice I can give is look at it as your mum's loss... not your's. As one of my aunt's has often said to me, the problem is probably jealousy that you have turned out to be everything she ever wanted to be.. and more! Instead of being happy and proud as most mother's would be... they are jealous and bitter....... not our problem though.

cheepskate_2

cheepskate wrote: »

(QUOTE) ive had counselling and the lady basically told me that my mum should be cast aside as shes a nasty lady and im better off without her but i love her and also if i cut her off i wont see my nan.

Not too sure what the counsellor has said to you and obviously you have your own problems with your mum, BUT are you sure the counsellor and her feelings arn't making yours stronger against your mum.

McKneff

The op originally said 'basically' she didnt actually say what words the counsellor said. She has possibly misunderstood/misheard and i agree withcheepskate what other people say can colour your judgement.

I dont have a mum any more, do you ever think how you would feel if you got a phone call and someone told you your mum had dropped down dead at 60 years of age, it happened to me. Think on, and move on, one way or the other.

ladylumps45

my councillor started off by laying out buttons on a chair and pushing one to the middle saying it represented me.then she asked me to pull those closest to me in which i did.the last button was my mum and thats when she went on to say that "that says it all"and that i would be better off without her in my life and that some people,no matter what you do will never change.
she said that i yearn for mums acceptance and love etc that will never be.she was a lovely lady.
i do think how i would feel if anything happened to her and id be very upset but not as upset as when my nan passes on.
alot of people have had it worse than me and i thankyou all for sharing your stories and advice xx:o

CelticStar

I am estranged from my mother. I left home at sixteen to live with my grandparents (I also lived with them up until the age of five) and never spoke to my mother for about four years. I then started to speaking to her again, only to find that the things I found unbearable as a child were equally unbearable as an adult -the only difference being that, this time, I didn't have to put up with them.

I have now not spoken to my mother for another five years and I won't ever speak to her again, it is a complete and utter relief and one that I do not regret whatsoever. I regret not having a loving mother, but as I have a loving grandmother instead I am lucky in that respect. I am surrounded by people who love me and I enjoy my life such a lot. Some people are just dysfunctional and if you're not careful they drag you into their dysfunction as well. Life is very short and there is nothing wrong with wanting to make the most of it by being happy.

Good luck OP, whatever you decide to do.