would you ever disown your mum???

glossgal

Toxic people are toxic people, it doesn't matter who they are, it's just really sad when it happens to be someone who you should love and who should love you back unconditionally. People like that who bring only misery into your life have no place in it imho. As it's your mum I would try and have a higher tolerance of her shortcomings but at the end of it all, if she makes you this unhappy then as an adult you have every right to say 'no more'.

emlou2009

i have been brought up by my nan from the age of 6 weeks. my mum had bad PND so my dad decided i would be better off at my nans and once my mum had recovered she couldnt be bothered. when i did eventually go back it was just before i started at school and only because she decided i had to go back there because social services were unaware of the situation and she didnt want them to be. as soon as i was back home she hired a childminder to come and get me ready for school, pick me up from school, help with my homework, bath me and put me to bed. once i was old enough to cook and clean as soon as i got in from school i was presented with a list of what to do for dinner and what to clean after dinner. i was never allowed out with friends in case she needed something doing while i was out. i escaped to my nans at weekends and i dont know what i would have done without her! i eventually moved out to my nans when i hit 16.
we've bumped into each other a couple of times and attempted a reconciliation but each time its made me feel upset about the situation as she became very manipulative, made me feel guilty if i didnt make enough of an effort to go round although she could never be bothered to make the effort to come to me, things like that. my nan is all the mum i need, i managed perfectly well without my proper mum while i was growing up. it doesnt bother me now, if i see her in the street i hide! i dont know if she knows she is a grandmother but i intend to keep my son well away from her.
look deep down and ask yourself would you really miss her? if you are upset about the way she acts now, would you be less upset if she wasnt in your life? and how would you feel if something happened to her? if you truly believe you wouldnt miss her and would be less upset if she wasnt part of your life then maybe it would be better to make that happen.

emma12345

Hi, I really feel for you in that your mum can't be the mum you want her to be. However as OP said she may have issues from the past from having been left by your dad and may feel very insecure.

This doesn't excuse her behaviour though but rather than cutting the ties completely and disowning your mum perhaps you could just distance yourself from her a bit, not visit or phone so often. Life's too short to be depressed and stressed but it might be best to keep the doors open as she does sound like she cares, even if she is demanding.

I have a similar situation in that my mum couldn't give a stuff about me or my 2 children, her grandchildren, so she has disowned us really. When her other (my sister's) child was born he was the son she never had (she didn't want us daughters and told us so every day). She is wicked towards my youngest, a girl - when my 6 year old daughter saw her at the shops the other day she ran up to her. My 'mum' turned her back on her and ignored her. Sick. What was worse was my 'mum' was with her other grandchild and dragged the poor child away. We have never done anything except be loving and helpful but we were obviously surplus to her requirements! My dd was very upset.

Be thankful at least that your mum doesn't appear to be that much of a monster. But as an adult you have the right to choose who you spend time with. No point in a big showdown though, just get on with your life and perhaps distance your self if it makes it easier.

Em
X

ailuro2

glossgal wrote: »

Toxic people are toxic people, it doesn't matter who they are, it's just really sad when it happens to be someone who you should love and who should love you back unconditionally. People like that who bring only misery into your life have no place in it imho. As it's your mum I would try and have a higher tolerance of her shortcomings but at the end of it all, if she makes you this unhappy then as an adult you have every right to say 'no more'.

That's a fantastic way to describe what happened to me.

After I became a mother myself and fully realised what unconditional love is, and that being am other meant you'd lay down your life for them without a second though I realise what a selfish, horribel woman my mother was, and cut off contact with her.

I don't miss her, but I do feel sorrow on not having a mother to hug me and to be a granny to my DD. But I can be better for my DD, and be a better mother for her,and maybe even a Granny to her children if she has them when she grows up.

OP - Do what is best for your happiness.

Susan_Frost

You say you love your mum, so dont give up on her. Also you would hurt and not see your Gran.

BUT you dont have to put up with nasty words. When she says nasty things, tell her you dont want to hear it and you are not going to get into any conversations about your dad.

If she starts, just say something like "Can we leave it out" and change the subject. If she continues then just say "I'll be getting off now" and leave. She should get the message. Just dont buy into it.

I'm very surprised to hear a counsellor gave you such specific advice. Are you sure you did not say that is what you wanted to do (possibly in anger/frustration) and she was "exploring" your thoughts, helping you to hear what you were saying and reflecting back rather than saying "I think you should ..... " Maybe she did, and is not too experienced or not very good.

Mum did offer to go to the hospital with you, and I know you feel it was a bit 'late in the day', but maybe you could explain why you refused.

Hope things work out.

MRSTITTLEMOUSE

My mum's in her 80s now and I disowned her about 10 years ago.
My gran brought me up as even though I was my parents first child my mother never took to me.When my gran died I was in my early teens and I had to go and live with my parents.My mother hated me being there so much I was put into care when I was almost 14 and went into a childrens home.
She made my father's life a misery until she got her way and he just complied and I still remember going to court that day so he could send me away.
My mother floated into my life when I had children(and for the children,so they could have grand-parents,I tried) but she still acted like a stranger towards me.
Ten years ago I just looked at her over the dinner table and realised we had nothing between us,despite the attempts I took to try and be her daughter.
Even when my father died,a couple of years ago she did'nt even tell me,I found out through the newspapers.
She was never my mother and does'nt deserve my recognition.
So yes I can understand anyone disowning their mother.

Pee

I think you have to accept that your mum is like she is in the same way that she must accept that you are like you are. I have had a lot of problems with my Mum, but thinking about having children myself has made me realise that she must have really wanted me and loved me even if she wants me to be someone that I am not.

I know that I can't change her any more than she can change me and we basically have to agree to disagree, even though that may well get harder.

I don't think trying to count the efforts I make or the efforts she doesn't make and comparing them will help. I have to accept that she is not adult enough to rise above this and that I am. (I am 35 and she is 65.)

I think above anything else losing contact with your grandmother at this stage in her life would be cruel, as she has always been there for you and you should put up with anything to be there for her.

You say that you love your mum.

I think that another counsellor may be helpful, to work through your feelings. The counsellor you saw previously should be struck off. If I was you I would make a formal complaint to the doctors surgery or just let them know what she suggested. A counsellor is there after all to help you to reach decisions, not to make them for you.

Mely

ladylumps45 wrote: »

thanks for the advice and replies.i do have resentment i guess as well as she does .ive always been compared to my sister ever since she got offered a uni place years ago.
ive never been good enough and everytime i see her i get snidy comments about my dad and his "!!!!!" as my mum puts it.
the fact is that his girlfriend(shes 73 lol)treats him better than mum ever did!
mum is bitter and nasty and i get hurt so much but i still seem to go back for more knowingly cos i love her.
i try and keep the peace as my husband says hes going to have words with her and i dont want that as i dont want trouble.

I feel so sorry for you in this situation! I have been through a lot of it myself. But i feel that you shouldnt disown your mum as you do love her! Just try and keep some kind of distance from her remarks (easier said than done, i know!). Maybe have a break from her for a short time too. Also you really dont want to lose contact with your nan, you would always regret it.
Mel xxXxx

Steel_2

You are good enough and that's the problem for your mum. Despite her neglect, you grew up to be a great person doing good things with your life. And she can't stand it. She's bitter, resentful and probably regretting all the things she didn't do, and every time she's nasty she's trying to "cut you down to size" and punish you because your father loved/s you and not her. It is so very wrong of her to burden you with her feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.

My father does the same thing. I try and see him as little as possible to avoid his vicious attacks and regard him as one of life's losers. Instead of getting out and enjoying their lives, these poor excuses for human beings attack others because they're insecure and bitter and too afraid to get off their !!!! and change their own lives.

Live well and concentrate your energies on building a happy life for yourself.

Steel_2

Sagaris wrote: »

No - I'd never disown my mum - although I have 'caught her out' doing/saying things behind my back!

And yet surprisingly enough, you've just done the same thing to your own daughter with the following comment:

Sagaris wrote: »

Poppycock - the girl is so mean she won't pay for anything.

The answer's staring you in the face. Do you often make snidey remarks like that about your children? To their face? Or to other people? Your own mother did it to you and and now you're doing it to your own children.

Nasty, snide comments are belittling and destroy people's confidence after a number of years, especially if it started when they were young.

And the awful thing is, most people who do it aren't even aware they do it. They say things like:

"Oh he/she/you are just too sensitive."
"It was only a joke."
"I'm giving you the benefit of my experience but you never listen"
"Why are you upset? You're being over dramatic."
"Oh you take everything the wrong way."
"Why are you doing it like that. You want to do it like this, the way I do it."

.....ad infinitum.

If both of your children no longer interacting with you, it's time to start looking at yourself and asking why.