Family!

JCS1

Do you have enough family attending to be able to draw up a kind of rota? So Mum keeps and eye on your grandad for an hour, then your auntie for an hour, etc. That way he would be looked after by people he knows and your family would still be able to enjoy your wedding celebrations. You would need to ensure that they understood the need for flexibility so no counting down to the end of each set time. I would hope they could agree to some kind of compromise so that you can have the wish of your grandfather there on your wedding day.

lolly_896

This thread has broken my heart,

I understand your Aunt would possibly like a little break and seems as though shes spending a fair amount of money to be there, possibbly she sees this as a small holiday? a break away from your grandad looking after dependant people can be extremely demanding.

Although i feel maybe your mum should have been more helpful but then you go on to say "my mums nerves arent good she gets wound up and ill easily" do you think your mum is capable of looking after your grandad.

Anyhow i beleive you should say F*CK you to them all and give the ushers set jobs! maybe take somebody with you to pick him up, let them get to know each other and ask them to help out with the care

hth x

freyasmum

Families, eh?

This is why, if I ever get married, I am eloping


Good luck, and I hope you can have things they way you want them.

becks92

SK, I feel your pain hun. My Gran died in January, I am gutted she never got to come to our wedding (hopefully next may) I was semi raised by my gran and loved her to pieces but even I would have hesitated a little with inviting her if she had been in the state she was just before christmas. My aunt is her carer and it may sound callous but in a way I am glad (as she is now out of pain) and that my aunt can enjoy the day without worrying. Had she come I can guarantee she would have complained through most of it and then demanded to be taken home probably half way through the ceremony but that was my gran. I still miss her terribly... big hugs to you sk and hope you can get your head round it..

Mrsday2Be_2

Oh sweetheart, I really feel for you - what is it about weddings that brings out the worst in families?

I know it might not be something you want to do (as it points out the blatant disregard for his feelings by your Aunt) but a quick chat with your darling Grandpa about this might clear everything up for you in a few minutes.

You could tell him that some concerns have been raised about how he'll handle the event and that you'd like his input. Ask your Grandfather how he thinks he would cope on the day - would he like some help from an agency, or does he have a friend who might come with him to help?

Most care agencies will send the carer out to meet the client before an event if you request it, that way they are familiar with the person beforehand and it's not so disconcerting on the day.

Other than that - I agree with the others, tell your Aunt to !!!!!! off and have your Grandfather there on the day, teeth out, potty mouthand all. Heck, mine could develop tourettes at the Church ceremony, pee himself, throw food at the reception and I could care less if I could have him back on earth with me for one single day - and I think a lot of other people would say the same.

If all else fails, resort to a serious Bridezilla style guilt trip- ask your Aunt and Mum if they can live knowing that they're depriving your Grandfather of one of the last great joys in his life?

I hope this works out for you.
xx

Kel

knitjob

SK I am so sorry to read your thread. I agree with most of the post on here, to tell your aunt and mother were to get off!! I am assuming that when you talk about your father he is your stepdad? So his thoughts for the day are not going to be about you or your grandad they are only going to be about your mum and how she enjoys herself in the limelight as Mother of the Bride.

My grandfather died at christmas so will not be at my wedding and my fiance's gran has just been told that she may only have a couple of months to live, so she may not be at the wedding, but we are still hoping!! I would give up everything to be able to have those 2 people at my wedding! Who cares what they looked or sounded like as they are special to me!!

Does your grandfather have a carer who comes in to see to any needs or someone he knows and would be comfortable with who would like a little day out and overnight stay with him in a hotel?

If you stayed closer to me I would do it for you!!

xxx

sparklylime

If you are not able to find a solution whereby your grandad can come and enjoy your wedding have you thought about maybe arranging something afterwards just for him?

Maybe just you and your OH visit your grandad after the honeymoon, go for a nice meal with him, take him a piece of the cake, show him all your photos and video if you have one, you could even put your dress on again! That way he, hopefully, will feel like he has been included in your day iyswim.

I really feel for you and hope you can figure something out x

sexki11en

Still at stalemate with this one. My parents haven't called to apologise, although my mom sent me a 'thinking of you' card with some local paper clippings in and a lightearted message inside which arrived today. I think this was a bit of an olive branch, but it wasn't enough for me and so I have decided to send an e mail to my parents and Aunt & Uncle to tell the how I feel. Phonecalls haven't worked until now without one of use getting wound up.

I wouldn't mind some advice on the wording. I fully expect this to cause all out war amongst the family and will probably end in a family rift, but I feel so strongly about this I am prepared for that, I just want it known exactly how I feel.

Dear All,

E-mail seemed the best way to communicate my feelings on this situation to everyone without emotions getting in the way and tempers flaring. This not a personal attack on anyone, however, as everyone has seen fit to make their feelings on the situation known, then it is surely fair that my feelings are known and understood?

As you all know, I wanted nothing more than for Grandad to be at our wedding. I fully appreciate he is not a young man and that his health is not at it’s best anymore and had it been left at that, I would probably have accepted this and got on with things. If he hadn’t expressed a wish to be there, I would also have accepted this, as I would never put my own wishes above what he wanted given the above situation.

What has saddened, angered and dissapointed me, knowing he would like to be there, is the suggestion that he would embarrass people or ruin other peoples enjoyment of the day by being there. That on the one day in our lives when we can surely legitimately think of ourselves before others, I am selfish not to consider other peoples wishes instead of our own!

I have been backed into a corner and left with no choice but to accept that my Grandad will not be able to be there. I am wise enough to know that unless we have help in looking after him, we can’t possibly keep an eye on him all day by ourselves.

Auntie xxx and Uncle xxx – You look after Grandad day in & day out. It would be too much to expect you to do the same on the day as well and am not under any circumstances asking for that. I understand fully, you need a break away from it all and I hope you realise I really do understand that and will be forever grateful that you look after both him and Nan as well as you do.

However, and I cannot stress this enough, I will not be the person to explain why he is not able to come to the wedding, nor will I be used as an excuse. I would move heaven and earth to have him there (and was planning to) and I do not want for one second for him to think that he cannot come because we don’t want him there as it is too much trouble.

I will accept that he cannot be there, and get on with the day, but it will not be the same, and I will never forget and will probably find it difficult to forgive the circumstances and conversations that led me to write this email.

Let me put it in a way that may help you understand how I feel. I sincerely hope that on all your Grandchildrens wedding days, you are well, fit and able to make your own way and look after yourselves otherwise I fear you may well find yourselves not able to see them married.

I hope this e mail is taken only in the way it was intended, a way to let you know how I feel and not to ask you to change your minds or to attack anyone. I also hope it will not affect your decision to attend the wedding as it has always been my wish to have as many of my family around me on my wedding day.

S xxx

Any suggestions guys or is it ok as it is?

SK x

mrscb

Sorry things not improved and from this letter it looks like you have admitted defeat(not meant in a nasty way!).
as you have strong reasons for wanting him there rather than saying you are not trying to change their minds ,just tell them as its you and partners day this is what you want and would accept any help that could be offered.Perhaps show this thread and let them see how people not involved see it....
Keep trying

maggie111

If you feel so strongly, I really recommend speaking to Help the Aged, and see if they have any local volunteers near him who would be willing to help him come to the wedding. Knowing that it would be someone who is dedicated to helping elderly people, rather than a job would mean you could get some assistance, and you should offer a rather sizeable donation if they are able to help you. I am sure they will look on this very strongly and do what they can to help him get there.

As for the letter... What is it you want to achieve? Think about that. You want it to say that you wont tell him? You just want it noted how unhappy you are? You want to burn your bridges? Or do you want to rebuild them? Think about what you want to achieve and then look back.... If you only wanted to let them know you accept but you wont tell them, you can write that in one sentence. If you want to use it as one last plea to get them to change their mind you need to rewrite it. If you want them to know how upset you are, don't make it sound so official....

Sorry, not extra helpful but I don't know what you want to achieve??

As for the whole situation, I can understand your Auntie's and Mum's point of view. Your Mum's priority for the day is to enjoy the day her daughter gets married. Your Auntie no doubt, with the cost involved has the chance to have a nice weekend away with her husband, and reading into the lines - it seems like she feels such a lot of responsibility for him already.... But where I think they have both gone wrong is that they just can't appreciate that he is like a father to you, and how much you need him there and that is is, ultimately, the happiness on your wedding day that matters most of all.....

To be honest honey, I think you have two choices here.... I don't think it sounds like you will ever get over this, or that you want to. You need to either decide to let them know that you will never forgive them, and they are not welcome unless they work with you for alternatives.... Or you have to decide that you understand, and will move on. Without proactively doing either of those things it will gnaw away at you and blow up one day - and will not leave to a happy wedding.

You MUST feel like you have some control - make some decisions, take responsibility for them so that you can move on. (experience speaking here!)

Good luck.