Don't know what to do

con_fused

money_maker wrote: »

Can your OH go to one of your counselling sessions with you? It might help if he was to hear some of theses suggestions from a professional

My counsellor did say that my DH could come and see one of the other counsellors (they aren't couple counsellors so if she saw my DH I think there might be a conflict of interest there).

I did say this to my DH and he just vaguely said "ok" but not really in a way that said "ok, yeah I will go". My DH isn't very open with his feelings at all and has a negative attitude towards counsellors and opening up.

I could bring this up with him again and see what he thinks, although I can't really push him to go, as much as I think it's a good idea :rolleyes:

RAS

Hi

not knowing what happened when you were younger (and do not need to know), are there any options that you would find OK because they were not part of what happened.

not wanting to make direct suggestions as they may have memories but there's more than one way to satisfy the urge. And would it make a difference if you were totally in control and he played passive?

con_fused

RAS wrote: »

Hi

not knowing what happened when you were younger (and do not need to know), are there any options that you would find OK because they were not part of what happened.

not wanting to make direct suggestions as they may have memories but there's more than one way to satisfy the urge. And would it make a difference if you were totally in control and he played passive?

Hi Ras

There certainly are some things which trigger me more than others. I have told DH about these. And me being "in control" or the one who instigates being intimate definitely helps me to feel less uncomfortable but the times I have instigated intimacy my DH has criticised.

Maybe I am trying to run before I can walk and the suggestion about being intimate but without the sex bit may be a good starting point rather than me trying to instigate the "full works". I just hope that DH is ok with it as I worry about his reaction and he must wonder whether he's coming or going, but I feel the same :rolleyes:

Taye

Just explain things, my Bf knows my issues.

He also knows that when i do instigate something, that he shouldn't expect it to go further than what ever im offering. Some days i manage more than others but this way he's not disappointed when things don't progress as fast or as far as he'd like.

Explain that not everything has to result in sex, tell him just to relax and enjoy what you are offering even if somedays it's not much because it doens't mean you don't love him.

I have to admit though i do worry about how long he'll be satisfied with cuddles on the couch and hand holding he says it's fine now, i wonder if it will still be fine in 6-12 months.

RAS

I know this sounds silly, but how about making a menu and then sitting apart and rating it 1-10 and then get together and see if there are any items that are on both lists that rate high enough to be interesting.

Do ask him what he thinks of the idea first though and maybe ask him to make the list first then add any extras you can think of/

Also, a bit contraversly (sp), I do not necessarily rate counselling. i found I got stuck in a circle which meant my feeling got stronger. it was when I saw someone who had a number of psychotherapeutic techniques that I was finally able to move on.

Your phobic response is trying to "keep you safe" because it remembers what happened before. You need to remember the lessons (how to recognise when you are at risk and keep yourself safe and let go of the triggers when they are inappropriate. Easier said than done I know.

Pee

Maybe some joint counselling would help. Looking at it from his point of view, you can see that it must be very difficult and equally, it is very difficult for you. Do you think that because he critises and flies off the handle that this affects how you feel and might be causing the problem. Do you feel safe with him, and if not is that something that you could discuss with him and work through?

wes_cov

Off the intermacy topic i have to agree that the first year of marriage was the hardest for me too.

But the best way i can see of try to make everything work is just trying to spend quality time together having fun.

Hope it all works out for you

con_fused

Taye wrote: »

I have to admit though i do worry about how long he'll be satisfied with cuddles on the couch and hand holding he says it's fine now, i wonder if it will still be fine in 6-12 months.

I do worry about this too, it's been going on for a while and although he says he wants to be with me and he loves me, he is naturally going to have urges that I'm not satisfying as much as he wants. Best to start by being open with him though which will be difficult but I need to do it.

con_fused

Pee wrote: »

Maybe some joint counselling would help. Looking at it from his point of view, you can see that it must be very difficult and equally, it is very difficult for you. Do you think that because he critises and flies off the handle that this affects how you feel and might be causing the problem. Do you feel safe with him, and if not is that something that you could discuss with him and work through?

Maybe joint counselling would be good as I'm getting help by myself but I think it might do him good to have some support too. Maybe by having someone help us together we could work through things quicker. Only problem is money. We have Relate near us but they charge £38 a session and we're not exactly flush right now

Definitely, because he flies off the handle and criticizes this shuts me down and to a certain extent I almost fear talking to him about my feelings or making suggestions. He has apologised for this in the past but he still does it, so it's still going to affect me.

RAS

I know there are "survivors" groups. i wonder if there are any partners of survivors groups around, that offer mutual support?