Don't know what to do

seven-day-weekend

I have a friend with similar problems; she has been married for twenty years and intimacy has always been a problem and in fact I think she could have lived with her husband quite happily without it.

She has always told herself it was not her OH who sexually abused her for years when she was a child and that is how she is able to be intimate with him. But even telling herself this has not stopped her being afraid to bring a child into the world who may be abused, she knows it's not rational but she can't shake it. She did tell her OH before they were married that if he wanted children he would be better to marry someone else so he did go into it knowingly and fortunately this has never been an issue between them.

She has had counselling in the past which has helped somewhat, but in the end she has had to accept that her past IS part of her and deal with it in the present as best she can.Her OH is very understanding and supportive.

Hope you get things sorted and that your OH is understanding.

jack*tigger

Its there a hobby that you could do together ??? Something at the local adult education centre, or maybe just walking, jogging, photography. Something like that. Something that you could share and talk about.
Or maybe you could run a Bettaware or Avon round together and make money at the same time.

That way you are learning to share again.

Also maybe you could get some DVDs and/or toys of an "adult" nature. Just to add a little thrill nothing too extreme. This isn't said to shock or to detract from the underlying issues. But to help to refresh the "lusty" feeling you used to have with your OH !

Pssst

I'm reading a lot about intimacy and not an awful lot about love,caring,mutual respect,shared experiences etc.

Unfortunately men can sometimes be driven by the irresistible need for sexual gratification and this can cloud their view!

You say you had a great physical relationship before marriage and yet now it has dwindled and that you attribute this to earlier experiences which have re-visited you. I wonder if that is truly the case and if so,why?

You are not obliged to engage in sexual activity with anyone be it your husband,boyfriend or anyone else.

Sex is not an entitlement. It is a shared mutually satisfying experience.

Whos idea was it to get married and why did you get married?

Aside from that issue,perhaps you need to adopt temporary rules of engagement relating to intimacy and physical contact?


How about a no penetration rule so that you just kiss,stroke,massage and reach orgasm through other means?

Of course you need to be sure what you are comfortable with.

GracieP

con_fused wrote: »

This is whay my counsellor suggested. They talk to people who are the partners of survivors. Maybe I should make this suggestion again and see what he says.

If he doesn't want to go talk to people in person there are alternatives.

There is a "Partners of Survivors" MySpace community that he might find helpful to read or join. http://www.myspace.com/partnersofsurvivors

Many child abuse survivor support lines also offer to speak to partners. Your husband may find it easier to speak on the phone. He might find one here. http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child_abuse_survivors.php

This is a web forum for partners; http://www.sandf.org/forum/index.php?c=8&sid=be07d3bed4f8fac8592ce5c8778155d3

And there are a number of recommended books that he may find helpful; http://www.ashtree.kirion.net/ & http://mentalhealth.about.com/library/weekly/ecom/aaprallies.htm

con_fused

Thanks for your replies.

Seven-day-weekend: I think I need to do the same as your friend and remember my OH had nothing to do with what went on. I think another part is me being more comfortable and confident with who I am because I think I've had a lot of knocks which have dented my confidence.

Jack: I think it would be nice if we did something together. I think it might be difficult though as my DH is self employed and works long hours. I work full time and go to uni so we're both really busy but I guess it is about making time.

Pssst: This dwindling in my sex life has happened in ALL my relationships and I end up feeling dirty and uncomfortable so I don't believe it is to do with my DH. We both wanted to get married and I was so happy to get married. But like you say it's not just about the physical side, it's about mutual caring, respect etc. I think maybe that is what is missing as well. We do our own thing in terms of work, come home and (now and then) have sex, so there doesn't seem to be much substance to our relationship at the moment. Like Jack said, I think we need to do a hobby together or make time to go out on our own together.

GracieP: thanks for those links. I will make a note.....I will try and make efforts to get our intimacy back on track and see how it goes. If we're still having problems then I will ask if he wants to talk to someone as well. I don't want to feel like this anymore so I will see if I can make progress to get things back on track.