Don't know what to do

con_fused

This is whay my counsellor suggested. They talk to people who are the partners of survivors. Maybe I should make this suggestion again and see what he says.

Dinah93

I really hope the councelling is helping you. On a more basic level, stop thinking for a minute. Step back, remember this man has pledged to love you unconditionally for the rest of your life. He supports and nourishes you, he's your husband, he doesn't judge you. Tongiht, when you're watching the tv or whatever, just go cuddle up to him, and do a basic intimate gesture like holding hands, or stroking the inside of his wrist. Something non sexual that bonds you. I think if you can start to have faith in your partner again you won't be so scared of being intimate with him, as while bad things happened in the past, he is not the cause of those, he is your knight in shining armour and will protect you from anything that hurts you.

dieselhead

Just want ask are you on the pill, I was on it for years and began to notice that my libido went through the floor, to the point I really really didn't want sex. I managed to miss a pack through forgetting to get a repeat prescription and suddenly was much more interested in sex, then started to take it again and all of those feelings disappeared. So I am hoping to change brands as I believe that will help.

I know your problems run deeper than that, but just thought that it may be a factor?

con_fused

I did wonder whether it was my pill - I am on Micronor (mini pill) and have been for the past 6 years. Although I would have thought the loss of libido would have kicked in way before now.

Thinking about it, I'm not convinced it's the pill. This pattern of me "shutting down" and not wanting to be intimate because I feel "dirty" has happened in all my relationships so I think it must be to do with the past.

Thanks for the suggestion though, I had wondered about it.

Dinah93

Couldn't hurt to try a different pill or to come off it since you're not having sex anyway?

ragstoricheswannabe

Instead of plucking up the courage to say all the things that need to be said, could you not write your hubby a letter, This way you can be as open as needed and truley write down how you feel. Some things are harder to say out loud. This way he will get to know your feelings and views and you have the chance to let him know without him flying off the handle and it escalating to a big argument. You dont even have to be there when he reads it, and if he feels comfy, he could write a reply............and so on.

sending big hugs to you, it cant be easy but remember you are a SURVIVOR not a victim. what doesnt kill us makes us stronger............................

Ooh, just a thought, if he likes surfing the net, is there no websites/support groups he could get advice and some insight into the situation??

good luck hun,
love rags
xxxxxxxx

con_fused

Dinah93 wrote: »

Couldn't hurt to try a different pill or to come off it since you're not having sex anyway?

Hi Dinah, yeah I could go to my GP and see what she says about changing pills. I wouldn't want to come off it though as we do still have sex, albeit sporadically

con_fused

ragstoricheswannabe wrote: »

Instead of plucking up the courage to say all the things that need to be said, could you not write your hubby a letter, This way you can be as open as needed and truley write down how you feel. Some things are harder to say out loud. This way he will get to know your feelings and views and you have the chance to let him know without him flying off the handle and it escalating to a big argument. You dont even have to be there when he reads it, and if he feels comfy, he could write a reply............and so on.

sending big hugs to you, it cant be easy but remember you are a SURVIVOR not a victim. what doesnt kill us makes us stronger............................

Ooh, just a thought, if he likes surfing the net, is there no websites/support groups he could get advice and some insight into the situation??

good luck hun,
love rags
xxxxxxxx

Thanks Rags, I have thought about a letter and it might be a good idea to write one because I imagine he feels quite rejected and I hate to think that he feels unloved because I DO love him so very much. Like someone else said, it's me trying to keep myself safe, but I don't need to do that with him. I just feel he can be a bit demanding at the moment but maybe that is because he doesn't understand how I feel

skintchick

wes_cov wrote: »

Off the intermacy topic i have to agree that the first year of marriage was the hardest for me too.

But the best way i can see of try to make everything work is just trying to spend quality time together having fun.

Hope it all works out for you

It's our first anniversay on Sunday, and i've wriiten in OH's card that if this year was supposed to be the hardest then we have such an easy life ahead of us! I've found it wonderful - just amazing to be with this man I love, and who loves me, and to go through things together. And that includes a miscarriage and now a rather scary pregnancy, so it's not been 'easy' in that sense, just so easy in that we are right for each other.

i know that's not helpful for the OP but these things can be self-fulfilling prophecies sometimes so don't dwell on an old wives' tale!

Oh, and kind of on-topic, I was raped before I got married, and sexually assaulted in the runup to the wedding, and we found intimacy hard because of that, but my OH was very understanding and I did kind of make myself be intimate and see how far I could push myself because recovery was only in my hands, not his.

con_fused

skintchick wrote: »

Oh, and kind of on-topic, I was raped before I got married, and sexually assaulted in the runup to the wedding, and we found intimacy hard because of that, but my OH was very understanding and I did kind of make myself be intimate and see how far I could push myself because recovery was only in my hands, not his.

Thanks Skintchick, I have been thinking the exact same thing. What happened to me was nothing to do with DH and I know this deep down but I guess it's just like a "relex action" to block things out.

We are going away soon for our first anniversary and I want us to have a good time together and start being a couple again.

What happened to me was neither of our faults but I have to put the work in psychologically to get over this and just enjoy my marriage